How soon is too soon?

[feelingpositivemum]

Please sort me out.

I have been separated and living apart from my H and we are going to start divorce proceedings soon.

I moved out two months ago and am very happy to be out of the marriage. He is a manipulative, narcissistic man and as we work together in our own business we keep up this 'great friends'. I still do all his paperwork, etc. He is very keen that we continue working together so is very pleasant in our work life, but has been vile in our marriage. He would have none of that though, he thinks I left to start afresh.

Anyway, whilst I have been supporting him in adapting to single life, doing his bills, mending broken loos etc I have found out through not too subtle hints that he is seeing someone else!

So, although I am pleased to be out and in fact feel desperately sorry for new lady, I am furious.

How dare he just leave it two months. We live in the same street and I just feel so used. ( I have resigned from housekeeping duties - again he is puzzled) but could he not have waited just a few months more to shore up his stupid ego.

God, reading this I sound as mad as him. I'm sure if anyone has been in a manipulative relationship you know how emotionally invested you are and it is difficult not to think they also cared.

My family and friends and in fact him all say it is no surprise that it's quick, he needs someone adoring at all times. Just, I have just lost it.
The big reason why I am desperately trying to keep it civil is we have four young children and they are happy it's so friendly. Huh.

THis is long and boring but feels better to rant..

Classic Narc behaviour unfortunately. It's not worth falling out with him about, he's an arse. If you feel sad and angry about it, let it out on here or talk to your friends. It's also worth noting that he just won't get the same feelings you do, so it's immaterial to wonder if he ever really cared. He probably did, in his way, but it's not the same way you feel about things at all.

Feel glad you have an opportunity to get away from him. BTW for what it's worth, he'll probably change his mind next week/month/year and try and get back with you, so prepare to be confused. I am currently dealing with exDH Narc nutjob, sometimes needy, sometimes nasty, sometimes sweetness itself.

Good luck, you'll be alright, you just need time. Focus on meeting someone normal and nice to share your life with in the future.

Oh, and stop 'supporting' him in his single life. He's a big boy now isn't he? He can fix his own bloody loo.

I can understand how you feel, but you can't actually change it.
Good that you aren't playing mum to him anymore ~ let him stand on his own two feet.

Also, don't worry about the new woman, IME even if she asked you about him, she wouldn't pay any attention to your answers. My exh's nw emailed me and phoned to check him out; totally believed me as she found the evidence to back up my version and still married him.

Take care of yourself.

men like this very quickly my exh was in a serious relationship within four months of us splitting. He's pretty narcissistic and also EA.

As I see it they like to move on to next victim whilst the other party (ie us ) are left reeling, hurt and extremely wary.

I am not certain that I want a live-in partner (over three years on) and one of the reasons is that I don't want same thing to happen again - my faith has been badly shaken.

For them they just repeat same old patterns.

However like to date men, have had best sex ever since I split so it's certainly not all bad!! (in fact in many ways very liberating).

Just thank your lucky stars you are out of it. You have to watch out though that he doesn't manipulate the dcs.

move on

Thanks guys, I have totally stopped supporting him as from yesterday and he is very puzzled. He also threatened (or tried to threaten) that stopping doing all his work will impact only on business and I will be loser!

Am now expert on manipulation and N so merely smiled and suggested he went to gym less and concentrated on buying car insurance!

God I feel sorry for her, he will be being soo charming and fun, whilst I do all his dirty work. Arsehole. And then in a perverse way I miss that charming and funny person.

I have to keep friends but am soooo tempted to do him for adultery, he refused to contemplate any divorce other than two yr separation. That means I'm stuck for another 22 months.

God, I'm sooooo angry and with myself. Even though I've read all the books and he is a perfect example, you always think it is slightly different in this case.

I can't wait to dump all his stuff on his desk on Monday morning! Will half my work load. Maybe he can train her up to do it, probably will. We can all sit in a row!

You don't need to reply, just enjoying myself!

I am very worried about children, they spend three nights with him a week although I see them everyday. That's why I live in same street and work hard at being friendly. He wouldn't have it any other way and I'm hoping they will have enough normality to see them through.

I'm also hoping that new woman will distract from having them so much and he will move on, literally!

Why are you agreeing to the 2 year separation and being dictated too about the kids?

If he has a new woman who wants to marry him he will be suing for divorce well within the 2 year time line if it suits him.

I really hate to say this because I think you have done so well to actually leave him but I do feel he is still controlling and manipulating you and by going along with all these arrangements to keep the peace and stay friends you are actually enabling him to do so.

I don't think you can stay friends with a man who is narcissistic and abusive, I don't think it is possible without being sucked in. Such people get their narcissism fed by such behaviour, they thrive on it. I think the best thing you can do is think of yourself and your children and make as clean a break as is practically possible. Don't waste your energy feeling angry that he has moved on, breathe a huge sigh of relief!!

Thanks TimeForMe, I have come to that conclusion rapidly these last few days. I suppose I'm desperate to be with the children as much as possible, and I'm scared of him and what he will do to them. He is so clever, and manipulative. I am seeing the solicitor soon and am on this fast learning curve! I definitely need to make that break and I will seek their advice.

Huge sigh of relief, huge sigh of relief....
I know!

well done! Be prepared to have to be very strong, he may well up the anti on the control and manipulation. As for being scared, that's what he is relying on, your fear is what keeps you close to him and gives him the reassurance he needs. You need to have as little contact with him as possible.

On a brighter note he has a new narcissistic supply now so you may well find that he doesn't put up a fight. I know this will be difficult for you because you still feel emotionally attached to him but believe me, this is the best thing that could have happened. See your solicitor and get everything sorted out while you have this opportunity to do so.

Good luck [smile ]