I need some advice please. Long, I'm afraid

[SerendipitousHarlot]

I really need some advice.

I've been married for 5 years, together for 6.

Over the last 6 months, I'm starting to really feel like I don't want to be married any more

My husband is lovely. But I feel like we're flatmates most of the time - there's barely any sex (not for want of trying, by him), we never talk about anything, we don't do anything together, we never have a laugh... all of it really. It's just not right.

Last night he went out on the lash - that's fine in itself, we both go out separately sometimes, no probs, but I woke up at 3.30 this morning and he still wasn't home.

I went downstairs to have a cigarette and him and his mate rolled up a few mins later. I said nothing, just went back to bed. But then I was awake again mostly until I had to get up for work this morning, mulling everything over in my head - culminating in me asking this morning for a trial separation.

I don't know if this is what I want... I just don't know what else to do. Is this what marriage is supposed to be like? Am I just to accept that I'm going to have a life of sitting on the sofa watching tv every night, grunting at each other?

I love him dearly, and will do anything to get past this, if it's worth it. Can anybody help?

you're feeling this way. TBH it sounds as if you're in a rut, which I think happens to a lot of people.

I'm not sure from what you've said that this is necessariy the end for your marriage, as you say you love him and want it to work.

Personally, I would say you need to think about what it is that you do want to be doing every night if not what you've described, and then talk to DH about whether that's something that you can take practical steps together to achieve.

Don't want to be harsh, but at the mo it sounds as if you're wallowing a bit...just leaving DH isn't going to magically make your life better, as from what you've posted, it doesn't sound as if he's stopping you from having the life you want.

And you do have to work at a relationship to have the things that you say you are missing - sex, talking about things, doing things together, having a laugh. You really need to have a proper conversation with DH about this. Relate might be able to help if you can't do this by yourselves. Good luck!

Thanks IsItMeOr - it's not that I feel he's stopping me doing anything in particular. I just want things to be back to the way they used to be - but when I think that, I have to mentally shake myself to realise that's unrealistic.

I don't want a magic solution from him leaving or whatever. I do want to be with him. But not this him, iyswim.

SH - I posted on the dark side ( s'legs btw) ;)

Thanks slegs - I really appreciate it xxx

Okay, so it sounds as if you're saying that your DH has changed from when you first got together, and you don't like the way he's changed (sorry, but I didn't pick that up from your OP)?

I don't think that really changes my advice, which is essentially that you need to sit down together and talk about what you both want. If there's an overlap, you've got something to work on, if there's no overlap then...

IsItMeOr - I am WOHM and he is SAHD. When we first got together, he was very work minded and motivated, but then he was made redundant, and had a couple of health problems, so he has now been out of work for 2 years.

I suppose a lot of it is that I'm probably subconciously a bit resentful. And the thing with how he's changed - one of the things that attracted me to him most of all was that he was so happy-go-lucky. I had recently come from a long relationship with a miserable man, and it was like a breath of fresh air. And now.... here I am married to one again

Does that make a bit more sense?

That does make more sense, and I really wish I had a magic wand for you to borrow.

Would you/he consider Relate?

I would, definitely. Not sure about him, but I will suggest it. He was devastated this morning when I talked about the trial separation, and I would hope he would consider anything that might work.