The question I dread to ask: Should I stay or let him go?

[Biobytes]

Ok, he is lovely, caring, affectionate, good fun, we have plenty of things in common, the same hobbies and enjoy very similar things. He is definitively a good man of a very good nature. He says all the time, I am the the love of his life.

But, he always draws a division line on what is his life, what is mine, his house and mine, his time, and mine, his things and mine, and I don't remember using he term "our" for anything, material or conceptual, from books to time. No plans whatsoever for a future together.

As a consequence, I have slowly come to feel as if we are only excellent friends who happen to have sex. And that is far from being enough for me.

Having said that, I am, at the moment going through a difficult situation where my exh is now giving me a horribly stressful time, and this caring man is my main source of support and the person who brings balance to my life.

What should I do? staying or leaving?

bump

If he is such a source of comfort and support, and you have all these things in common, I wouldn't call that a dealbreaker - but have you discussed this with him? How long have you been together? Could it be that he's a slow burner and it'll take him a while to share everything in his life?

You need to set boundaries, between both of you and also for yourself.

Discuss this with him - ask what he envisions in the future, does he want the relationship to remain this way? If so, and you can accept that, then keep him around as he is a source of comfort. If you feel you will always want more, nip it in the bud. If he is honest about only wanting a casual relationship, then you need to be honest with yourself if that is not what you want, and end it.

You didn't mention how long you've been together...that might indicate whether he would like to develop this into a non-casual relationship or not.

Basically, you need an honest answer from him, and you then need to take some time to figure out if you can or cannot deal with what he is offering.

We have been together for nearly a year. But we are almost 40, so... well, someway you think that at this age it's easier to have a clearer idea when a relationship is one to keep. I was convinced this one was one of those, but as he is has never said anything of a future together, I am starting to think that perhaps, despite his love for me, this is not going anywhere.

He wants the relationship to remain this way for the foreseeable future. At the moment, he says he can not make absolutely any plans or even have ideas about what our life could be.

It is not that I want a diamond ring in my hand next year. But it seems to me that he has became comfortable with the current arrangements and that he may never be able to move from there.

One thing that keeps bugging me is that despite the time we have been together, he thinks I don't need to have keys to his house, and have refused to have mine as that would be "too familiar". This is an absolute first for me, I'm sure I have been handed keys and asked to feel at home at the places of every single relationship I have had as an adult.

..

no one else can really tell you what to do

It sounds to me that you are not happy with what you have together.. so it either needs to change so you are happy or you walk away..

Your life is NOT a dress rehersal... you cget one chance at it.. please dont waste it being unhappy and worrying about what you mean to someone

You are right.... I don't know how to change it and I'm sad at letting him go

Poor you.

You need to let this one go if you want more than you currently have from him imo.

If you are having a lot of stress from elsewhere perhaps give it 3 months so that you don't have too much to deal with at once, but mentally make the change now and stop seeing this one as a keeper.

I know it is not easy.... this time last year i met up with someone from school .. we were great friends at school and the chemistry between us was intense but nothing ever happened... we got back in touch bith single and i really thought that was our chance to be together.. the chemistry was still there... we snogged etc etc.. but very early on he told me he didnt want a relationship... so it just continued we saw each other regularly but there was no commitment... i thought over time he would fall for me and his feelings would change and he would want to be with me forever..

2 months ago i thought actually i have had enough and this is not enough for me... I am happy being single and i didnt need the crumbs of affection he would throw me every now and then.. so i told him it was not enough for me anymore and that i felt to much for it to just be casual between us...

Maybe he needs to know how you feel and it may give him the push he needs to realise how much he feels for you... if it doesnt then really it is not worth it becasue you desevrve to be with someone that loves the bones of you

I've been with someone like this before - between the ages of 21 - 24.

I had exactly the same thing, although he would flit between wanting us to stay together for ever and "not being sure" of our relationship. Looking back, it was nightmarish. I never knew when he would suddenly "not be sure" again.

At least he is being honest with you. I agree with the OPs that you need to ask him what he wants and discuss what you want. If he totally refuses to engage, I think you need to make a decision based on that. On one hand, it may all work out fine. On the other, not.

My ex-p had serious issues with committment arising from his childhood and they had essentially played out in all of his previous relationships (I was too young to realise all of this and he was a bit older than me). What kind of relationships has he had in the past? You might be able to glean some information from that?

The pattern for my ex-p was broken when he met someone when he was working in Russia. She made sure she got pregnant (accidently ) very quickly and, as he is, fundamentally, a decent person, he married her.

On reflection, if something like that had happened to us, I am sure he would have married me but I wouldn't want to get married in that kind of circumstances.

I am now with someone else who can be a complete pest in other ways (as I am sure I am). However, I have never doubted his feelings or his committment and there are men out there like that if you decide to walk away.

Well, I have been talking to him about this. First he tried to ignore it, and then when I explained that I couldn't continue like this, well... I have never seen him crying before, he has said that he will make his best but tbh... I don't think he can.

I think I have already made part of the mental switch to allow for the things to cool down before ending it, but someway I was wondering if I was unfair on this and shouldn't let myself give up on him too early. Fearing perhaps that if I allow myself to think like this, by the time he comes along I would no longer be interested.

PErhaps I should wait until the conflicitve situations at the moment ease up, and then just then, look at things with a cold mind?

Excatly, is that thing, men that know whether they are in or out. Not wondering all the time. I think he know me enough, he likes me enough and definitively loves me enough, but is still saying "I don't know..." Actually, eventhough the relationship seems to be going from strength to strength, it also seems like the divide that doesnt allow him to use the words we, us or ours, seems to be wider too.

Hmmm....not sure. You know him best and my past experiences do colour my judgement but I really want to scream "RUN.....RUN FOR THE HILLS.....!"

However, I do accept that is not very helpful!

Would he consider Relate? Do you want to go to Relate with someone this early in the relationship (ie pre serious committment)?

If the good really outweighs the bad and you feel you can live like that and help him work through this without seriously compromising your life, mental wellbeing and equilibrium (because that it what four years of living like that did to me) then I would say you should go for it or delay and wait and re-assess.

On the other hand, you will keep getting more attached and it makes the break more difficult.

It (honestly) took me about four years to recover from my ex-p and I don't think I really did until I meet my current DP. I was so paranoid about being mucked around that I laid my cards on the table pretty early and said that if he felt he wasn't sure or was in the relationship just to fill time, he needed to TELL ME RIGHT AWAY (I think I did actually shout it at him like that on various occasions after a little too much wine )

Fortunately, he is very long suffering and we haven't had any of these issues.

He does sound like he has many good points etc but, honestly, I would say that unless this is a bit of a blip and totally out of character, this is him and this is part of his personality. I'm sure you are lovely and I am sure there are lots of men who would like to go out with you, without having to ponder about if for ages (how crap does that make you feel?!). Why should you have to "work through" that with him?

That's exactly what I fear Bunny. Spending years getting attached, waiting for him to come along and then nothing to happen.

You all are right, may start looking at it like a non-comited relationship and then, when the time is right, fly away. Sorry for him if he changes his mind in the future.