I could do with some advice........

[sdg]

I am really fed up. I have a DD of nearly 2. My Dh is so lazy and it is driving me mad! He works from home and doesn't do very much at all tbh. He gets up late, goes for a swim and then sits in front of tv from about 5pm. I meanwhile do everything else. All childcare, housework, cooking, shopping, washing etc etc. if I complain he tells me to get a cleaner, nanny etc, but we cannot afford that so would be throwing money away when if he just helped me out a bit things would be fine. I have tried talking to him and he just tells me I am depressed. I have tried emailing him and he still doesn't respond. I am really at the end of my tether. I feel so resentful that I do everything while he is so lazy. I can manage with doing it and would be fine if he was busy all day, its just I feel really annoyed that he just lets me get on with everything without lifting a finger. The odd occasion he has got up in the morning with DD and I have had a lie in (til 9am - he gets up 10am earliest every other day) he has to go back to bed for a few hours because he is so tired.
I have had enough and am so close to leaving because of it. I love him but I just cannot stay with a man I have no respect for. And surely he has no respect for me just expecting me to do everything for him. Is there anything I can do to shake him into action or is he just not going to change? We have been married 3 years and he has always been the same. Didn't live together before marriage mores the pity

I took it that you were insinuating your relationship was fine and that you were slightly looking down at those of us who have far from perfect relationships as if to say why?
I was asking for advice on what to do not for someone to wonder why I was in such a relationship in the first place. Believe me I wish I was in a more equal relationship. I think relationships should be more equal. but monme isn't and short of going out and finding a more equal partner I wanted help with how I could repair the one I have

I was looking down on your dh as imo I dont think it is acceptable to behave in the way he does and I dont see why you should have to try to mould him and craft him to take more responsibility. Men are not chilren nor are they all like your dh. There is no smugness there just because I think that.
Yes, I am looking down on your dh though.

My mum put up with a man for 25 years like your dh before leaving him. She constantly regrets not leaving years earlier as he never changed.

Yes leaving is an option.
I just wanted to use that as a last resort. I am quite happy for you to look down on him. Thats what he deserves. but you are not being any help to me on this thread. Thats all I was saying

i wont post here anymore.

mogwai's solution sounds interesting. I remember my dx (who never lifted a finger if I was there) saying contemptuously one day "what have you done today? you've got up and had your breakfast"
Of course, I had also done a billion or so small chores, but he hadn't noticed.
But I must admit that if I'd made such a list of everything I'd done, he would have gone ballistic. It would have been seen as making myself important.

sdg - sorry to hear you are feeling so down.

I too had a lazy dh who couldn't see mess even though he had to literally step over stuff on the floor. Couldn't see the toilet or the bath was filthy and even when the washing was spilling out all over the bathroom floor he didn't do anything about it. He would buck up when I yelled about it but he would slip back into lazy habits after a couple of days. In a way I was to blame because I just got on and did everything and it let him off the hook.

3 weeks ago I dislocated my kneecap and tore the ligament in my knee. Have been on crutches ever since and unable to look after our 5 kids including a 6mth old baby. Well, the transformation in dh was amazing. He can now miraculously cook proper dinners, put washing on, do ironing, mop the floor, clean the toilets and sort all the kids out. Now I'm not suggesting for a minute you go to extreme lengths like breaking your leg!

Could you live with not doing certain things for him, such as his washing and ironing? Just say something like, I'm really sorry I haven't had time to do that because I needed to do the shopping. What if you suggested going out in the afternoon together at the weekend and asked him to help you do x, y and z before you went? Would he respond to anything like that?

what job does your dh do from home? is it a tiring job?

Queen eagle that is a really good idea. I know I am partly to blame as, same as you, I just get on and do everything and silently resent it underneath. I need to be more open and honest about my feelings.
I am going to start asking him to do little things everyday as I think presenting a list would just put his back up. Plus to be fair, he does think I work really hard he just thinks he does too and when he is tired he is tired, whereas when I am tired I still have to carry on!
Juicychops - his job is not tiring! Not in my eyes anyway! He says it is very tiring as he is constantly thinking about things and its stressful stuff. Can't rteally argue because it is tiring to him I'm sure.
I'm going to start asking him to put the washin on himself - its hardly rocket science and maybe insist that every saturday he does the cooking - even if he chooses to get a take away.
Thanks so much - its just so nice bouncing ideas off people and also just not feeling so alone

I agree with QE, start with little things, and ask, if you don't ask they remain content for it just to miraculously happen (unless they are like hercules dp, of course .. my dp is much more like yours - he's not perfect, but I love him!) you may find you have to explain really basic stuff if he is a bit out of practice as it were.

sorry....i don't know what took me so long! below is a post i put on another thread - same thing applies - only with this thread i get that pathetic little me feeling ..becuase you have to ask him. did you ask him if you could vote?

i have no idea why you do it. i dont get why women do it. i would rather digest my own fecaes than be someones slave in exchange for their love. unless they hve a disability that precludes them..they have no excuse for not washing and ironing at least their own stuff, cooking the tea half the week and letting you have a lie in on sunday. why do men not realise this simple equation - if your nice to me sometimes.......i will give you a sh*g?

am carrying out a cost analysis at work to compare the services of my teams consultaion work to that of an equal outside provider.

i think this is what you should do. i would get two quotes from local childminders - then work out an average hourly rate. multiply this by 24 hours working a day and again multiply this by 7 day and 52 weeks.

then get two quotes for a cleaner and ask specifically what the cleaning service will entail - does it include clothes washing and ironing for instance -i doubt it? again do sums as above

yout then need to do the same for an ironing service. then cost the dry cleaners and local launderette- when you leave a wash for a service wash again multiply as above

dont forget to add on the £5 charge for iceland or tesco home shopping delivery - how many times a week?

then add this all up - add on 30% for oncosts

you cant then show this to him and tell him these very considered wize words " get your head out your fkin' arse f8ckwit, slavery has been outlawed in this country and your takin the fookin piss mate. now this is how it is. i will look after the kid and you babe ....well your on your own - if your shirts go pink - well am sorry but i can't possibly tell you how much i don't give a sht. i have had enough of your ignorance and it stops right now. you either start treating me with the respect i deserve or you will not get your toad near my hole in the very near future. oh and BTW if you don't like it - fck off becuase wuite frankly i would do better and with sooooooo much time on my f8ckin hands i will have f8ckall to do all day than to think of ways to screw you over big time - consider this you wet wipe, hows about working all the hours god sends to only see your kids in macdonalds on saturday - know your lovely wifey is probably screwing some nice builder and to top it all off - your skint with no love and no family and your ex-wife has now become a full time f8ckin bitch. so GROW THE F8CK UP"

make your dp do housework in exchange for a shag, blimey, so THAT's liberation.