Anyone have any tips on how to keep a relationship healthy/communication channels open?

[Thinkstoomuch]

DH and I seem trapped in cycles of: brooding resentments (mine) leading to big, horrible rows; culminating in promises (his) to address things that bug me and (both) work at the relationship; followed by a period of slipping back into old ways until the next row comes along.

It's been about 17 years now and I'm left feeling ignored, not respected, taken for granted, etc. He feels I'm snappy with him and patronising, and I have to concede he's right.

The endless cycles of rowing and promising and slipping back have eroded my trust and respect in DH. Some of the issues for me feel insurmountable and I've mentioned divorce. DH is adamant he wants to save the marriage.

Anyway what this is all leading to is that after the latest, biggest row we are trying again to work through our issues and both generally try harder. Does anyone have any tips on how to preserve this resolve and not just slip into old ways? If you go to Relate or something like that do they give you TECHNIQUES to keep communication channels open? Today we are both trying hard, being kind to each other, etc. but with two DCs and the stresses and strains of busy lives how do we hang onto that?

Sorry if this is a bit rambly.

What, specifically, did you feel was a personal attack?

hmm, a practical suggestion?

think before speaking. i.e; if you feel yourself ready to snap/start a row stop and ask yourself if its really an important issue. if it is, ask yourself is there a way you can address it without a row, then think about how you phrase your conversation with DH. do you use an accusitory tone? you wil soon get into the habit of doing this every time there is an issue. also if you do find yourself in the middle of a row, stop. and tell your DH that you are going to go and calm down and think about things. then come back when you have had a chance to think and talk to eah other about what is bothering you in a calm way.

well then you should have stated in your OP that only proffesionals need respond.

we arent mind readers

hi guys, i am new to mumsnet.
I am 27 and have been in a realtionship with now my husband for 10 years. At first it was ok.. ill cut the story short as so much has happened. Things started to get a bit complicated he wasnt the same anymore and we would argue all the time, i wanted to get my point across so did he, we both are very strong individuals and we wouldnt walk away from an argument, so i left him for 2 months. I realised i still love him but we both needed to change, he suggested speaking to relate or some marriage councillor so that we can control our anger and frustrations. I know that when i briefly spoke to a memeber of relate they said they listen to your problems and tell you to go home and try the techniques which would be listening and how to communicate effectively. I wasnt so sure so i decided i didnt want councilling. While i was away from my hubby i did a little soul searching, my story is long and emotional so my advise would be to check out this website, its called 'toknowmyself' or 'toknowyourself' something like that. I also looked in to google books, (its free) theres loads of short books on marriage problems, solutions, how to deal with so many issues. It helpe me so much. I decided to speak to my husband again over the phone before returning back, i instantly noticed i was more different, i was listening, more, communicating clearly. trust me it helps x
I hope this message will help in some way, x

a message to 'thinkstomuch' first you need to ask yourself if you both still want to be in this relationship, if its yes then you need to take the next step.. before you approach him, jot down everything that bothers you,i mean everything.
Do the above like a brainstorm that branches out.
Then write notes next to all your problems, wether it is in your control or not, can it be changed, how it can be resolved, is it you? ot is it your husband.

Everything thats in your control try and work on it yourself. things that ar not in your control try and speak to him about, also question yourself if you need to be angry, can you ignore etc

if you need further advise just mail me. otherwise you can see, how long each of my comments are, they are taking over the page lol.
x hope your ok

It seems to me that basically you want someone who is a perfect fit for your idea of what a partner should be, but actually, how many of us ever get that? And guess what? you are probably not a perfect fit for his ideal mate either. The tone of your posts really does come across as someone who is expecting your DH to do all the changing and sorry, but that really is unreasonable. You talk about how you don't feel respected,but how do you think he must feel if all the time you are telling him and showing him how imperfect he is? That would be just as demoralising for him. I am sorry that you have been so defensive on this thread, because I actually think that most of the posters, Duke in particular, have offered you some really good advice. However, if you don't like the advice, then I suggest that you actually find yourselves a counsellor and pay for advice which is pertinent to you, rather than relying on second hand inforation from others! ( not being rude to those who have posted, just that i suspect any advice/techniques given during counselling sessions, are probably tailored to the people concerned rather than being a generic set of rules for anyone and everyone).

As bad as I feel that it seems that the OP has taken my well intended advice as a 'personal attack,' it warms my cockles that other posters feel it is worth their time to post about something that they feel is unfair. I appreciate your support.

I hope it helps the OP, even if she would never admit
it to us 'non professionals',

PS - I notice OP has not answered my questions about either relevance of educational background to a relationship or specifics on what she felt was a personal attack.

hi sayithowitis,
you are right. If you have problems and you want to sort it out, you need to firstly be open to help. It does look 'thinkstoomuch' is a little defensive at the same time. But i still feel for her. I can let her comments frustrate me, i hope i can help people in need anyway possible. Your also right, every consilling session is different and the concillor will look out for how you respond to positive and negative criticism.

sorry , i meant i wont let her defensiveness frustrate me.
please excuse my mis-spellings

duke - I though your advice was all really good.

OP - if you want to talk to people with experience of couples counselling and Relate, then perhaps you and your husband should actually go and have some counselling?

MNers will always be happy to share their personal experiences, and IMO it is incredibly rude to just dismiss what people have shared with you in an effort to help.

I have had counselling, and yes my counsellor gave me techniques to help me think differently etc. It was counselling just for me not couples counselling but I would imagine that the general gist would be the same.

Thought your advice was good, Duke - no personal attack in there that I can see

It's true - it does us all good to imagine what the other person must feel like living with us.

And if you really want counselling-standard advice, then go to counselling. Fairly obvious really