Can they ever change?

[worthmore]

Clutching at straws maybe... but has anyone ever had their DH/DP change his ways for the better. More tolerant, less angry etc. I know one man who did, for the sake of his wife and children... looking for more hopeful stories!

Worthmore - it isn't a case of you being "devious" - it is unsurprising that you have mixed feelings and are trying to find the best way forward. I am sure when times are very bad you are resolved to leave and then maybe have second thoughts - all very understandable in your position.

You talk of your H being intelligent but from what you say he is NOT emotionally intelligent, and that is what is needed here. FWIW I don't think many men are emotionally intelligent and I honestly have come to believe over the years that this is not entirely their fault. I think the male and female psychology is very different and we are socialised in very different ways.

I can only say that change/modification of a particular nature/disposition is only possible if the person is motivated for himself - and is willing to get involved in therapy to help find a way forward. No one else can motivate anyone and so unless your H is motivated it seems unlikely that things will change. You could I suppose issue him with an ultimatum that you have a last ditch attempt at therapy and if that does not bring about any change then you will need to separate. The thing is I think is not to leave it so long that your self esteem is at rock bottom and you don't possess the emotional strength that is needed to separate. I think sadly that this happens for a lot of women.

These high powered "intelligent" men like your H are often very scathing about therapy and are likely to callit something like "psychobabble" - I actually think that some of these men who look very competent and confident on the outside are very scared inside and unconfident and that is the root of their problems, but that's another story.

My DH is doing the long and painful process of changing. He reached absolute rock bottom at the beginning of this year culminating in him having an affair. That waw the trigger for him to seek counselling - he probably wouldn't have done it until then. I have had to change too, how I approach things, deal with him, communicate with him etc. It has been a steep learning curve for both of us and is ongoing.

The last couple of weeks have been particularly painful, he has had to admit to certain things that happened during the affair that were hard for him to admit to (part of his past behaviours of not facing up to things etc but he knew he had to do it otherwise we would not have been unable to move forward as a couple and therefore putting the whole family at risk). He is also looking at friendships with other people now as he is changing so much and therefore the friendships are not what he wants anymore, they met a need in him at a particular time but no longer. It is a very unsettling time for both of us but hopefully in a positive way IYSWIM.

TBH unless your H is willing you can only really work on yourself and as you change ie becoming stronger, independent etc, he will too.

Good luck.

I agree I don't think he is very emotionally intelligent, but he is mensa level intelligent, which I think often means you don't have much common sense!
BTW his father died when he was young, so he was brought up by his mother, who is lovely, and I can't imagine her spoiling him, but I think he is a very selfish person, which i always put down to being an only child... always just suiting himself.( I know not all only children are selfish!)
He can get very upset and emotional if we talk about splitting up.

The reason I am sceptical about this is that he will listen when I try to explain someones pov and he will say he understands, but then often he goes back to his former opinion, it's like there is a time limit on the sane time!

He needs to take a deep breath and calm down and really really listen.
One of the problems is that he never stops thinking, be it work, which is very intense or how much needs to be done on the weekend. His brain never stops.

Also, if you haven't been recommended a counsellor/therapist where do you find one? Privately? or will the GP find you a relevant one.. do they specialise?

Countingto10 sounds like you have broken the back of it maybe, do you do the counselling together? Must be hard, but you sound very positive.

On a lighter note, fortunately I am very tough emotionally and although there are certain things that will get to me, I know I will get through this no matter what.

We went to Relate, had 1st session as a couple to see what the problem(s) was and then an individual one each and then about 3/4 months of weekly sessions of an hour each.

My DH's issues stem from his childhood (the most dysfunctional family his therapist had heard of - domineering grandmother, grandfather and maiden aunt all living with him and his mum & dad and siblings). If your DH's dad died when he was young, there could be underlying issues there that he probably needs to explore. Most things can be traced back to childhood and sexuality.

Because of his childhood, my DH had never grown up, behaved like a 5 year old all his life, never deling with things, never taking responsibility, lying, avoiding confrontation etc. He has had to do a complete turnover around in his behaviour - not just in how he behaves to my and DC, but how he deals with work, his business etc. It has been an interesting six months......

worthmore - finding out the route cause of the 'problem' will not make it go away - it will somehow 'explain' how some of the behavior was learned and if he is willing to explore that he may well surprise himself with the way he feels or thinks.

I think one of the most amazing breakthroughs for my h was when we were discussing something and i said it made me feel a certain way - because my h couldnt understand that he dismissed it as 'silly'. The counsellor was very good and stopped him and asked him to really think about what he had said.
Logically he made sense - BUT feelings are not logical and the fact that someone feels something different to you does not make their viewpoint any less valid. iyswim.

Maybe if he had someone else not you picking him up on this it may help - it certainly did my h.

My h too was brought up as an only child - he was not particually spoilt, however he never had to share either and we both now believe that has caused him some of his 'problems'. Even down to what to watch on tv - we have 4 children and they have to take it in turns and have to accept that not everyone likes the same things as them. They all have an opinion (often all very different) but they somehow have had to learn that all their 'little ways' are valid.
He can really see this now - before he never really ;got it'. Like your h he was clever at saying the right thing at the time and then still getting his own way (we do still have this problem - but i am better as recognising it now),

We have accepted his ways and he is not longer angry when we point out that maybe (just maybe) he is not always right. .

Hope that helps - he may well question having to go back over his past (my h thought it was a waste of time - after all you cannot change it can you?)
But it has helped he tremendously to see why he thinks the way he does sometimes, and why he may well react the way he does.

No-one likes to face up the fact that they are not always 'right' but if he can do this i think he will be a far better person for it.

Worthmore - you ask about finding a therapist. You could try Relate as someone here is suggesting. I think in some areas there is a long waiting list though. Otherwise you would need to find a private one. Some call themselves counsellors, some psychological counsellors, some psycho therapists. You could google British Association of Psychotherapists/counsellors to find one in your area. They do tend to specialise but most would do couple counselling.

You both need to feel comfortable with the person you see, although it isn't a comfortable process but you need to be able to feel that you can get along with the person and have some trust in them if you see what I mean. It isn't an easy thing to do and it can be very wearing. You may need to be prepared that you need to change too (as A cannot change B's behaviour unless A changes theirs)

Hope things work out for you and glad to hear you are an emotionally strong person.