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Friendship dilemma - when do I step in and say something??

12 replies

M2T · 30/05/2003 09:15

My best friend of 10 years has recently separated from her husband. It was all her decision, she just didn't love him and says that in hindsight she never did! That angered me first of all. Her complete lack of respect for her dh and her attitude was so flippant. They were only married 7 mths and her dh (who is also a friend of my dp's) is totally gutted! I posted about that a while ago.

Anyway - 3 mths on she has found a new man. He has left his girlfriend for her. There are no children involved in any of this which is a blessing! She says she REALLY loves him! BUT I've known her a long time and she does this all the time. She always overlapped her boyfriends..... and then had a soap opera split from one for the other! I just know that she'll get bored of him. OR She'll get really hurt. He says he has no choice but to move back in with his ex for a while as he has nowhere else to go!!! I think that is bullshit. But I don;t know what to do. Do I just be happy for her and leave her to it??

Another problem is she wants it kept a secret from my dp as he would go mental and tell her dh! (MEN!).

AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaH!! Help oh wise mumsnetters.

OP posts:

Tinker · 30/05/2003 09:47

Well, I'd leave her to it with regard to her boyfriends - not a lot you can do about that, just let her make her own mistakes, be around when she needs you etc. BUT, I would not let her dictate whether you tell your husband or not. Unless her ex was going to be violent maybe. But, no, I don't think she' being reasonable there. I'd just tell her that you and your husband tell each other everything (whether true or not) and that you can't promise that you won't let him know, if that's how you feel. The choice is hers then as to whether she continues to confide in you - which may be a relief if she doesn't


WideWebWitch · 30/05/2003 09:49

I agree with Tinker, I'd stay out of it but I also wouldn't let her dictate my conversations with my dp - it's not up to her.


M2T · 30/05/2003 09:55

Thanks folks - it is a distinct possibility that her dh would perhaps get violent.

Another thing that bugs me is that she introduced me to this new bloke than walked away saying "You'll get on great!". She doesn't seem to realise that just coz she thinks he's wonderful doesn't mean I will automatically get on with him. In fact, I ended up telling him that he was f*cking her around with regards to moving back with his ex-dp. He's making a fool out of her.

She doesn't know that I said this.... he might have told her by now. We spoke on the phone last night and I feel like I'm having a conversation with the 2 of them!!! He's ALWAYS there talking to her in the background.

Also, she goes out drinking with him most nights and as they are both Teachers I think this might affect her job. She is a probationary teacher and he is a fully qualified one.

I know I need to butt out, but it's hard watching her doing this all over again.

OP posts:

grommit · 30/05/2003 10:08

M2T - this must be so frustrating for you but I don'tthink there is much you can do. Love (or lust) is blind and if you try to explain your feelings to your friend she will not welcome it!! I would just leave her to it but agree with the other that you not be told to keep secrets from your dh. I have a friend like this - they seem to go into self-destruction mode where men are involved!!


aloha · 30/05/2003 10:21

I also agree. Your friend won't thank you for interfering and it really isn't your affair, so to speak. Mind you, if, as you say, her ex has violent tendencies then I think it is a very good thing she has left him and found someone else. Good on her! Actually, when you say violent, do you mean to her? If so I would very much urge your dh not to tell his friend. As for the drinking, well I have a drink most nights, as do a lot of mumsnetters. I don't think she's really risking her job. That's not to say I don't know how you feel. I have a friend whose boyfriend was a total t*sser - he lived off her while refusing to work and said disrespectful things about her behind her back. She recently threw him out and we were all delighted.


M2T · 30/05/2003 10:27

Her dh was NEVER violent toward her. But I think he would probably want a piece of this new bloke. When I say he is devastated I'm not exaggerating. He gave up everything to move away from his home to support her while she studied. Now he has nothing but debts. I feel so sorry for him. He is a friend too.

OP posts:

M2T · 30/05/2003 10:30

He's left with the credit card bills (they were all in his name) whilst she is out on the town every night! Her parents (who paid for the wedding) are even paying her rent for her in her nice new flat!

Aloha - I have a wee drink most nights, but she is out in the city til 1am. She can't possibly be focussing on her job.

OP posts:

aloha · 30/05/2003 10:41

TBH you sound totally sick of your friend at the moment. Do you really have much in common any more? I have to say, any talk of violence really pushes my buttons (my dad had a very violent temper) - it makes me absolutely cringe and to be fair, the new bloke doesn't have anything to do with the breakup by the sound of things. However, if he is using her then she might just be going to get a taste of her own medicine. Might that not be the best thing? Whatever, IMO you honestly can't 'do' anything about it. I would have loved my friend to breakup with her user/loser boyfriend (er, and the one before who cheated on her all the time!) but there was nothing I could do to influence her about either of them without damaging our friendship.


M2T · 30/05/2003 10:46

Aloha - you're probably right in the fact that our lives are starting to move in different directions. She has very different priorities to me now. But she is my closest friend and she has always been there for me. We do have a lot in common.

She goes through these phases where she meets new exciting (in her opinion)people and desperately tries to get her friends to meet them and like them. It wears off. She is 3 years older than me but I just want to give her a shake a say GROW UP AND STOP HURTING PEOPLE!! I think she treated the wedding as a big party.

OP posts:

whymummy · 30/05/2003 11:05

i agree with the others,if shes worth keeping as a friend i would just let her get on with things,dont tell her anything about her ex and don`t tell her ex anything about her,that way no one gets hurt


LadyP · 30/05/2003 11:40

I agree with others. If you did tell her, she will probably not thank you for it. I did this to a friend about 7 years ago. We were very close and she met this bloke who was a complete a*se. After putting up with him and his snide comments for months, I finally flipped but as a result, I lost my mate.

I've learned from that that you have to grit your teeth somtimes and let people make mistakes - after all, it is their life.

Is there anyway, you could have a private word with your friend and say that you don't really want to socialse with him (in a nice way) and you could see her on her own? I did do this with my mate, but she still made us all get together (hence why I eventually flipped), but you never know, your friend might actually listen to you.


breeze · 31/05/2003 08:02

What is it with us and troublesome friends

I would let her get on with it and be there when she comes crashing down to earth again. I too had a friend who fell in love at the drop of a hat, ended up stealing another friends dh, we fell out over it and I have recently heard that he has dumped her and gone back to his wife, whereas her DH wont take her back.

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