DH is such a star and I don't deserve him.

[OrmIrian]

I'm struggling with depression atm. Very nasty to be with. For DH and the DC. Have just started back on my anti-Ds after fighting against the idea for a month. On saturday I lost it with DH and had a horrible screaming row - and told him I wanted a divorce. It was just bile and viciousness - our marriage ain't perfect but it's good enough. He was so hurt.

Anyway I apologised and things were sort of OK. We had a talk yesterday. He came back from town with some lilies for me this morning.

I don't think I'd be as forbearing if he was doing this to me.

Hi OrmIrian
Another of your lurking fans here. I wanted to say that I screwed up the courage to start counselling six weeks ago because I had stopped feeling anything at all for DH after 28 years together, 23 married (hence name!).

I had an affair last year (whch he doesn't know about) but things had been sliding down hill for ages. I knew it was serious when he collapsed during a half marathon and I was just annoyed with the silly fool instead of worried or upset.

My DH is a lovely kind man who cares very much for me and desperately wants things to get better but he avoids arguments. I felt I could not express how I really felt to him as he would be so hurt. He is a difficult man to live with and I thought I was tolerating his selfishness but I was in fact storing up resentment for years.

I am learning that I had blocked off all my feelings as they were unaccceptable or inconvenient. I have acknowledged that I no longer love him or respect him, but I am still petrified to admit it and don't know what I will do next. It will be a while before I am strong enough to go with him to Relate and own up to these feelings although he knows there is something wrong.

I do know that at last I feel honest again, I hated myself when I was lying and cheating. I can see that failing to acknowledge these feelings might have led to depression.

So go on, try and find a good counsellor. I have a non directive psychotherapist who does experiential focussing. Discovering my emotions is like finding a new colour of the rainbow each week. I am really enjoying the very scary but thrilling process.

All best wishes,
NS

Thanks whenwill, not had a chance yet. Been a bit manic so far and we have people here this evening. I am wondering if I am finding reasons to put things off.

nearlysilver - thankyou very much for your support and advice. I confess though that I find your post really alarming! That is my fear - that I will find there is nothing left of my marriage under the facade . What do you want to happen? I can totally understand the feeling of excitement but atm I am focusing more on the fear.

The other newest element in all this is that my dad has been diagnosed with angina at 78 - he is otherwise hale and hearty but very scared and a bit down. I am trying hard to support them (mum is same age and has really bad arthritis). I am a bit afraid to upset the apple cart. And yes I know I am stalling - same old same old