Apologies - this will be long as it's part catharsis and goes back years
Me and DH have been married 13 years after a whirlwind romance. The full love at first sight thing - we got married after only 3.5 months because my Dad went nuts at the thought of us living in sin and DH was living at home but couldn't stay there as abusive father was making his life miserable. He was 28 and I was 24. After 2 years we had DS and my MIL died - DH had a breakdown and I became the breadwinner and he became the SAHD and recovered.
3 years on I was working part-time, as was he and we were juggling the childcare really well and we had DD. I hated where we were living because we were in a grotty rented cottage and I felt very isolated as hardly knew anyone (we'd moved there with my job as I had a 2 year contract offer and there was nothing ideal where we'd been living before but moving when 6 months pregnant was tough). It was a long way from my parents and they hated it too. I think I was probably a bit depressed but I was desperate to leave but there was nowhere to go. I tried to get back to where we'd been before, told everyone if a job came up I'd love to come back etc. Initially DH wasn't keen on the new location but he started to settle and didn't tell me because I was low and he didn't want to upset me. Fast forward 6 months and I started getting told a job was coming up, perfect for me and lots of flattery etc. I was a bit more settled by then (I reckon it takes 18 months to settle anywhere IME) I wasn't depressed any more, was making friends, had starting getting fit and losing weight (always been a heifer). But I guess they turned my head and DH's only argument against moving back was would he get a job and I figured that was lack of confidence as he is very talented etc etc. I formally applied for the job although asked DH to post the application for me and that if he thought it was a bad move he shouldn't post it. Then a job came up where we were that would have been good for him - better money and would have meant we could buy a house and settle properly there - my contract was ending but I'd have probably got some agency type work - enough to get by if he was earning more. He didn't apply for it and I was offered the new job and took it - I asked him before the interview if I should tell them I needed to sleep on it if I was offered it but he said no. Almost immediately after committing myself to new job in old location and us buying a house there, he told me he didn't want to move. I couldn't easily pull out - not least because this was Scotland and it's much harder to pull out of house purchases there.
We moved and it was dreadful for months. I thought we'd break up over it. He stopped talking to me - I screeched at him. Very black time - some of his behaviour bordered on emotional abuse but I was no angel. He did get a job in new location in time and it settled a bit but the biggest problem was my new job was a total nightmare - which I probably deserved.
We stuck it there for 3 years and then moved to Ireland to be near my family - parents getting older etc - this was his suggestion to get away from miserable job and we walked away in a better place than we'd been - having sold the house with a decent profit but we were still shaky.
Ireland has been better for me work wise but not long after getting here DH had a major breakdown - he spent 2 years in and out of psychiatric hospital and has been diagnosed as having bipolar. He nearly died about 3 times. He has a good psychiatrist now and is slowly recovering. Our DCs are doing well at school and I'm glad we've been near my parents over the past few years. But I continue to feel guilty about the way our relationship went over the move 7 years ago. We've done Relate and we have moved on - he says he really loves me and we get on well - there has been no abusive behaviour from either of us for years. I adore him and appreciate him so much because I came so close to losing him. He is a great Dad and no matter how bad things got between us he never did anything to jeopardise the kids. They witnessed some fighting, obviously but it wasn't just one way bad behaviour. I said some vicious things to him too. We don't fight any more, hardly ever.
So what's the problem? I'm pregnant - 11 weeks and I've been desperate for another baby for years. I'm having a rough time with pregnancy sickness and having to keep working because DH isn't well enough as yet to work although he does look after the house and the kids. I've started to realise that part of the reason I've been wanting another baby is to recapture better times and to make up for when I made us move against his wishes. I didn't listen to him properly and even though I've put my side here I know I wasn't fair to him back then. I have never forgiven myself - he says he forgives me but how can I be sure? We went through this at Relate and I thought it was forgotten but I can't stop thinking about how I made him sick. I know it's worse at the moment because of my hormones. I am so down. I don't want this baby at all - I am really struggling to cope.
Sorry for the long post - appreciate anyone bothering to read or reply