Dumped, pregnant and friendless- need support

[maledetta]

I'm posting this because I desperately need some emotional support.

I am 29 weeks pregnant after a brief fling with a man who said he wanted to be with me and have babies, and then changed his mind when it (accidentally) happened.

I see him sometimes (he's my bloody neighbour!), and he's helping, in the sense of fixing my car and bringing me firewood, but is in absolute denial that he's done anything wrong at all.

Hence, I don't want to rely on him or open up to him about my need for emotional support because I don't trust him to respond appropriately.

I thought my close friends would be there for me, but they have completely melted away over the last few months. Obviously I am too boring for them to bother with at the moment.

More seriously, I feel that I have been there for them when they have had shit times (especially one who also had a baby on her own), and now that I am in a really bad way they are wrapped up in their own problems.

One of these friends was going to be my birth partner, but she hasn't spoken to me about this for months, so I guess that's not going to happen.I don't know what's going to happen at the birth.

I feel very lonely and afraid. I know it's important when I'm pregnant to look after myself, but this is keeping me awake half the night and making me v. tired;- it's also worrying when you read that long-term stress will have an effect on the baby- but how can I not be stressed and anxious under these circumstances?

I'm desperately trying to keep everything together and not lose it- I feel there will be nobody there for me and the baby if I do lose it totally.

there is only one book that I have really thought was worth reading for a first time mum: 'What mothers do, especially when it looks like nothing'. Some of it you will need to read again a few months, a year, two years, 6 years down the line for it to make complete sense. I wish I'd read it 6 years ago when ds1 was born instead of trying to take orders from the bossy and baby-controlling books . Luckily with ds2 I decided to follow my instincts and he's a far happier baby and I'm a far happier mama. 'What mothers do' was nice becuse it confirmed I was doing the natural, and best, thing for baby iyswim.

maledetta so sorry you are going through this

Because my DH was ill when my DS was born he wasn't allowed to attend the birth - and my NCT teacher offered to attend - I actually had my mum there in the end so didn't take her up on the offer...but do you think your NCT lady might agree - is she the sort you would want there?!

And I did find my NCT group were an amazing support after DS was born - we became very great friends (much more so than we were in the classes) and would meet up every week - so really do push for that if you can.

how extreme SW? Between which two cities/town? County?

Hellooo!

West Cornwall. Another 30 miles and you fall off the end.

Feeling much better; have seen a couple of friends, and I think my potential birth partner has made some friendly overtures....will have to see how that goes.

I sent the baby's father some vicious (and highly satisfying)texts, and he has responded by, at first some textual whimpering, then an invite to dinner tonight to "talk".

Feelings of sexy have faded as I've been getting bigger, so I think the only thing I have to fear is the inevitable Old El Paso Fajita Kit with added quorn chunks.

Thanks for the book suggestion, W&P; I've also been recommended Sheila KItzinger. Apparently, according to her, childbirth is like an orgasm. Hurrah! (Mind you, would you want a 16-hour orgasm?!)

Itwascertainlya.....how are you getting on?

Have you tried a group/organisation called Homestart? They give help to young mothers, single mothers or families in need of any help. My friend has themcome to her house to help with kids as she broke her ankle really badly and hubby has to work.

They are really good,there are also lotsof mums and baby groups and you can attend these before you have the baby. Your midwife can give you info on them and also if you speak to the health visitor at your GP's they can give youinfo too even though you're not under her care yet.

Oh and as for me me me rambling. You're totally allowed you're pregnant which is enough of an excuse anyway but also feelinglow. Sounds like a good excuse for huge box of chocolates, grape juice(poor substitute for wine but hey) and tissues and a sloppy/weepy film.

You're not totally alone while you have all of the ladies lon here. They've helped me no end already.

Keep your chin up and us all updated

xxx

Hello Itwasa....you sound a lot happier too!

That's cool your mum is being your birth partner; hope she doesn't tip over, make sure you find her a nice stable chair eh....

"Don't take it to heart?!?"

However, I agree it's much easier when the father is completely out of the picture, rather than on/off...Emotionally, anyway.How wicked that your ex's parents want to be involved. I think this one's mum is up for that too- she's a very nice lady- I'm going to try and get her number out of him this evening.

I thiiinnnnk I'm feeling strong enough not to crumble and get all emotional this evening. I hope.Hopefully he's not going to use the opportunity to tell me all about some wonderful new woman he's totally in love with.....

I have no idea if potentially there would have been a future for us; I just didn't know him enough; we didn't spend enough time together. But, at least, right at this moment, I don't care! Hurrah!

Maledetta I just wanted to say I was dumped when I was 5 months pg with ds2 (ds1 was 3) and it was without doubt the most stressful time of my life. I found out ex was having an affair, I had to move house, ds1 was quite ill with asthma, I had to find him a new preschool, furnish and decorate a new flat and basically start my life all over again..
I constantly worried about how my stress would affect the baby, but ds2 was the most laid back, easygoing child (and still is).
My Mum was my birth partner and she was fabulous.
You will cope - stop reading those books, they sound awful

Hi Maledetta & Itwascertainly.....

Just to let you know I'm here and in the same boat - although my friends/family have been v supportive which has been a godsend.

Sorry for the short post but I'm sure we'll all get through it one way or another.

I'm trying at the moment not to worry about things that are so far down the line - I'm just trying to concentrate on getting through each week.

Take care x

On the book front (can't say anything about the going it alone thing but second the comment about birth partners being overrated) but god dont take any notice of Rachel Cusk. Her books are well written but seriously depressing. I read Arlington Park when I was a new mum and it terrified me. Takes Wellies advice and read "What Mothers Do" by Naomi someone.

how did last night go?

oh, and just have to at childbirth being like an orgasm!

Rah Puma Girl- join the (in the club)club!

Last night was not so bad- even got salmon! Had 2 glasses of wine though, which was one glass too much- I actually have a hangover today, let that be a lesson to me....

We had a proper talk, which has to be a good thing.I even managed to (begrudgingly) get an apology and a plea for forgiveness out of him, which is progress.

He wants to be involved, etcetera etcetera. Be there at the birth....hmmmm. If we can "develop a relationship of trust", I said.(My NCT facilitator did tell us that "in some tribes" the woman in labour ties a string round her partner's testicles and tugs it whenever she gets a contraction (I'm sure she makes some of this stuff up!)-and doubtless getting back to my tribal self can only aid a good birth!)

We're going to enjoy spending some time together and do some fun stuff. He did mention "giving it another go". I did not.

We had a nice hug and he gave the bump a kiss and a cuddle. At which point I made my excuses and left.

Watch this space, eh.

Mind, he still hasn't started work on the car!

Hurrah for you, Ginny-well done at getting through all that!

I think I shall definitely have to track down "What mothers do..."

Had a nice encounter at the swimming pool just now with another wide load woman, who is due 3 weeks before me....I've met her a couple of times through mutual friends/yoga, and she popped up to help me out of a traffic meltdown the other day, before running off to deal with DC1..So it was nice to be able to thank her, and get an invite to drop round.....

(Wish I could do happy emoticons, but my aged computer won't let me!)

Wow Maledetta - do you think he's about to do a massive u-turn?

Hope it all works out well!

sounds promising Maledetta

I'm the other end of Cornwall, so close can nearly touch Devon from the computer

Hi Maldetta,
I'm in West Cornwall, near stives. I'd be very happy to support you in any way that would be helpful, but bear in mind I'm a granny (although very tame and friendly)and don't have a car.

Perhaps things will work out with your baby's dad though. Really hope so.