Can we talk about emotional affairs

[newrhythmics]

Name changed. Keeping this short, been with DH 16 years, all broadly fine. He works long hours, that's nothing new. I'm at home with our DCs. We're English, living in another country in Europe for his work. He goes back to UK "for business" a bit but recently this has been more than usual and at different times. I'm suspicious, do some snooping and find some texts from, yes, OW. A colleague of his. Nothing sexual, just intimate tone iyswim. "I love the way you make me laugh". We've had it out. He says she is a "dear friend" only, nothing physical. I asked him whether he loves her. He says yes. Says he told her this. He actually said to another woman that he loves her. This hurts to type. He doesn't know what he wants: thinks he wants to be with me and DCs but loves this OW. I say this is an affair. He says not affair because no sex just deep friendship. I am gutted that he has told another frigging woman that he loves her. FFS. I'm angry. Is this an affair?

Definition here - "a relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse (or lover) that has an impact on the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage. An emotional affair has the capacity to injure a committed relationship sometimes more than if it were a one night stand or about casual sex. There is a gender difference in perceptions of harm. Research has confirmed that 'men are especially bothered by evidence of their partner's sexual infidelity, whereas women are troubled more by evidence of emotional infidelity."

In my opinium he is having an affair. Men see things differently though.

newrhymics, my husband did this to me, it really is shit. I have had a terrible year due to this (it's a long story!) and we have finally seperated.

I am sorry I can't answer your question, it is still too raw for me, if that makes sense? But he needs to decide what he really wants (my husband couldn't?) and be honest with you.

that is a good post Stirling

Oh it absolutely IS an affair. I wonder whether he is saying there is no sex involved because he doesn't think you can prove it, or whether he has gone down the well-trodden path that Stirling mentions....men often delude themselves that as nothing sexual has happened, it doesn't constitute an affair.

Emotional affairs are really just the prelude to a full-on sexual affair. They are however very dangerous because emotions and feelings are involved and once sex is involved, this gets even more complicated.

His responses to you worry me - it's as though he doesn't mind that telling you he loves another woman is going to hurt like a knife.

Stirling and I would both recommend a book called Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass, that explains how dangerous these relationships are.

Come back if you want any advice about what to do next. So sorry as well, all this must be so hurtful.

Ok thanks stirling for the definition. Exactly right: he thinks the no sex means its all ok. Umma what did you do when he couldn't decide? Did you leave? WhenwillI, I do think he is being honest about no sex. I can't stop thinking about him saying "I love you" to another woman. Don't think he told me to hurt me. It was like he was just telling how it is. God it hurt though. Should I assume he doesn't love me? Does it matter?

No, you shouldn't assume he doesn't love you. And telling another woman he loves her is one thing; meaning it is what's hurtful here, but I accept that perhaps he's just being honest.

He isn't being honest with himself though about what this actually means. Men caught in the grip of this delude themselves throughout every stage of these emotional affairs. In reality, barriers to infidelity are being dismantled all of the time.

They kid themselves that this relationship is nothing to worry about because it isn't sexual - and isn't likely to be. But they never sit down and wonder why they are doing this and what it could mean. Then they find themselves kissing the woman and still kid themselves that they haven't had sex, so it's okay, isn't it? And on it goes, until they reach the point of no return and then some time later, say that they never meant things to get so out of hand....

It's hard when someone is in denial, which is why I'd suggest you get that book and ask him to read it. I'm afraid this is a very common situation and one of the reasons why men are in denial about these situations is because they have been brought up on a diet of received wisdom that for men, affairs are sex-driven, whereas for women, they are emotions-driven. But life has moved on and increasingly, men are getting involved in emotional affairs without realising their dangers.

As women have probably always known, emotional affairs are much more dangerous than sexually motivated liaisons. But men still think affairs are about sex.

Ok....6 months ago I found emails from the OW and husband said it was just flirty, stupid messages that had got out of hand. That in it self was awful and caused massive upset for me and my family. He said he was sorry and would end all communication with her and come home (I kicked him out).

We tried to make a go of things BUT weeks later I found another email....and to cut a long story short we could never put things right because he was so distant, moody and withdrawn because he was still thinking about this OW. This has been 6 months of what I can only describe as torture for me and a couple of weeks ago I thought - enough is enough, I can't live like this. I need to be happy now. I have been to a very dark place (almost lost the plot!)....he has gone, it is hard for us both but something had to be done.

I hope you can work something out, some how?

By the way, he wants to come back, still says he loves me and says nothing physical happened, but now I think so much damage has been done, part of me wants my family life back but will I ever feel the same about him.

Opps to answer your question...he left

Meant to say too that I can imagine how awful you feel, but take heart that you might just have nipped this in the bud before anything approaching actual infidelity has happened.

However, stopping the behaviour doesn't get to the root cause of why it happened, so what ever happens, please insist that you establish how his "walls" came down and his "windows" to the other woman got opened. Counselling will very often get to the heart of this - and any counsellor worth their salt will help you by telling him that this is very much an affair in progress. Then work on affir-proofing your future marriage.

With any luck, this will be a wake-up call to you both and you will survive, much wiser and far happier.

I wish I had found out at your stage of the proceedings....

Agree with whenwillI - Look Here for the book - I found it really helpful, just helped to get a grasp on what was going on and maybe where my h's head was at!!

I remember reading in that book that a large number of men when questioned, felt that even having oral sex with another woman wasn't adultery. They only believed it was adultery if full sex took place

Sending you my love. I must go to bed but will check on here tomorrow.

My husband did this to me to, he swore blind he only 'kissed' her!! yeh right! We have since split up as he decided he didn't want to make a go of it!!

I think it is possible to get over it, but I suggest couples counselling to get things off your chest.

Good luck xxx

Thankyou. I appreciate these posts. My head hurts and I'm going to bed. But thankyou. Sorry this seems to have happened to so many people.

Resurrecting this because I need to get my head around the relationship my (married) sister is getting herself into.

She recently met an ex-colleague she had not seen in a long time - they used to flirt and banter in the past, before she was married. Long story short, a few nights ago they went out for dinner and ended up cuddling on his sofa all night.

She maintains that she is not doing anything wrong because they did nothing more than cuddle, stroke each others' hair - oh, and a parting kiss on the lips!!

I think this is either an emotional affair or a prelude to a full-blown affair. Her marriage is miserable and bad but I think she has to sort that out one way or the other before embarking on whatever it is with this guy.

Am I right? Or is this 'harmless'?

I'm not sure if there is anything I can do or say to influence her right now

Just ask her how she'd feel if she heard her husband had been doing that with a 'friend'. That will answer her question.

I've tried that...

She's so far gone in the misery he's put her through for years that she genuinely doesn't feel any kind of guilt, I don't think. And the question about how she'd feel if he did it to her seems to her to be hypothetical because, in her eyes, he's behaved far worse to her...

jessie, at the risk of being flamed (and I am usually very anti-adultery as will be clear by my other posts), maybe this is her "exit affair"

some wise soul recently posted about different types of affair

the "exit affair" in some cases can give an unhappy person the courage to call time on a relationship that is bad for them, because they are made to realise that yes they are worthy of love and they can find someone else who will treat them well

if this is your friend's situation I would let her get on with it, and support her in ending her marriage if her H has been so damaging for her

agree with AF - sounds like her dh has not stuck to his side of the 'contract'!

Yes an affair will make things more messy but may also give her the impetus to get out of a miserable marriage.

Your role as friend is to support and deal with the fallout.

I'm assuming OM is single.

neant to add in this instance I geuninely don't think that an affair is wrong.

Maybe I'm just a bitter old cynic but having been in a faithful (on my part anyway) yet miserable 13 year marriage I would have prob strayed had the opportunity arisen.

As amongst other things my exh witheld sex.

I think it depends on the OM's situation. If he's married with dc's, I wouldn't be as keen to encourage it. Quite the opposite.

Otherwise, it could be the push she needs to end her unhappy marriage. I definitely think she'd be wise not to start anything properly until she's officially separated though, that just makes things messy, and could make for a very nasty divorce if her H finds out.