You might laugh but ds nail varnish on toes has caused huge issue

[allok]

So dh and I do not get on well. He comes from a culture (european)that is very suspicious of other cultures very macho etc.. I come from multicultural, metrosexual and funky family.

We have issues. I took ds 3.5 to stay with my mum this half term - dh won't come as is very 1) jealous of my family 2) been very badly behaved with them.

DS has the BEST time when there and last night my dm at ds's request put on nail varnish on toes. I was a bit worried about chemicals then realised that half the little girls at nursery wear varnish.

dh comes over to dm house today and sees that
a) ds has had one of the face paint things 0- a lion - big deal
b) sees toes and goes bloody mad.

Very bad - I then had to drive us all home 1.5 hours with ds feeling really bad as dh has made him feel bad about this.

This will get back to mil overseas - we're there for christmas (not I still have to suffer his really not very charming family all the time).

DH very unhappy about nail varnish - I know IT'S NO ISSUE. But how do you get throuh to a bloody minded very ignorant man this issue - ffs - when at nursery I see all the little boys dressing up with nursery fairly clothes and the girls using the spiderman costumes.

I AM worried as my dh has issues with ds crying 'like a girl' any form of playing with dolls etc. I feel my little one has no freedom to be himself and have a laugh.

Oh - and as dh hates me so much I just feel he feels I'm trying to turn son gay or something. I'm not comfortable with all these negative attitudes towards ds upbringing. How can I tackle this so it's not another case of him screaming at me but understands it's not big issue and how do I now counteract ds's fear of doing ANYTHING that seems girlie - when he was doing it in all innocence.

Leave

this dreadful relationship is not for you

or your child

Oh I know I know - not a great situation but mainly ds has no clue and that's how it should be.

It really is a cultural difference on the toes thing - and yes pretty much all of you are right - mixture of dh's rather unfortunate upbrining - a woman hating and controlling manipulative mil and being really lost in this country after 16 years.

The upshot was that ds immediately wanted the varnish off - then after the bath I got one set off but he wanted me to leave the other foot - so cool with me - I think he was asserting his independence there.

All the other stuff - I know I know, I'm trying to establish ground rules for both dh and I and yes I have to go to mils this Christmas. I'm gaining confidence day by day and sort of leaving dh behind as he won't engage with me. But for the moment I'm keeping things cool as ds adores dh and vice versa.

I don't like homophobia but I never knew it was linked to painted toe nails - there you go.

many thanks all - I just need to be far more assertive and beleive me I'm working on it!

First thing-tell "d"h not to go moaning on to mummy about anything-sort things out between you without interference.

Custy said it all.
SOrry but it is pointless getting het up about the nail varnish. THat's the least of your and your son's problems and only the tip of a very big iceberg.
I have no idea of your reasons for not leaving but cannot believe they are good enough.

I don't think anyone will be laughing at this.

allok - I'll stick to the nail vernish issure here. (sort of)

When my DS1 was 18 months he borrowed a pink toy pram and pushed it around. DH insisted on refereing to it as a truck.

I then bought him his own dolls pushchair, and DH's friend asked us weren't we worried he might grow up to be gay if we let him paly with a pushchair.

DH has now more broad minded on the subject, as I've managed to convince him he was being a wally. He didn't comment on DS2 wearing pale pink nail varnish- after all it's not permanent,but he wasn't happy.

Your DH needs educating, which won't be easy as his attitude is quite ingrained. Maybe you could find some research or child psychology book to show him dressing as a lady or wearing nail varnish is OK for little boys. (Sorry I can't recommend any)

nail varnish has not caused a relationship issue. You already had a relationship issue.Seriously, he screams at you? And won't visit your family although you are expected to visit his? And bollocks a 3 year old little boy (poor little boy!) for wearing nail varnish?

The issue is far from nail varnish.

Personally I would remove my child from a father who frightens him.

My nephew used to love wearing nail varnish and dressing up as a ballerina or a fairy - he used to wear lipstick too .

He is now a muscular rugby player.

Allok I know you think that your ds has "no clue" but I bet you he does - it is amazing what children pick up on.

Oh gosh - no he didn't shout at ds but made his face looked like he'd cry and kept saying it's for girls not for boys - you shouldb't wear this - it's bad etc. I think that's bad enough.

DH has behaved not great with my mum - last year we had to spend months with his mum overseas and finally in august I got to spend a week with mine and he came - lasted two days - kind of went a bit mad and left at 11pm at night - my mum had to let him out as she'd locked up for the night and he started to use not very nice words and adjectives about me to my mum. Since then on the rare ocassion he's come to my mums (rare as I don't go often) he's ok for the first 30min max and then starts sulking and the atmosphere changes and everyone is uncomfortable. So he came yesterday and was supposed to stay the night and we go back home together but after about 10mins it was obvious it was just best to go right there and then. So we did.

Yep, I know but quite a bit of this comes from mil and I cannot even start to tackle her. I tried on her last extended stay with us but she quite honestly couldb't give a shit about her own son or his wife as long as she gets to see her grandson when she wants and on her terms completely. She's the main issue and dh cannot tackle her either but loves her dearly of course.
That kind of stuff but I'm making plans to get retrained, I'm standing up to him more and I'm not running around on eggshells like before tyring to please him as he doesn't deserve it.

We're getting there.7

I'm a liberal person - i respect his right to his views but not to inflict ignorance (and alot of it is igorance on his part) onto ds.

"Oh I know I know - not a great situation but mainly ds has no clue and that's how it should be".

Hmm. Your DS is likely aware that something is amiss but is probably too young to even begin to comprehend. I think your DS is more aware of how bad things are between you and your H than you realise. Do not kid yourself that he is completely unaware. Your DS has said to you that he wants to go back and live in your Mum's house!.

You do not have to reconcile yourself to this crap of his anymore.

Again I put it to you, what are you teaching your DS here about relationships?. Both of you are imparting damaging lessons to your son. Lessons which could screw him up with regards to his future relationships as an adult.

You will never make headway at all on your MIL; her attitudes are too ingrained. I would argue that she has a lot to answer for with regards to her son too as she's screwed him up big time as well.

Getting back to one of your initial posts, you're right you should never have married him. Your H is not a mistake though you should have to live with for the rest of your days.

Why am I not surprised either that he has behaved appallingly around your own Mother?. Such behaviour would not be at all tolerated from you, can you imagine his reaction if you pulled such a stunt on his darling mum?.

Your Mum has sat at home crying - and you know why don't you?. Its the way you are allowing yourself to be treated - you are permitting him to be awful to you. You condone it by remaining there with him. You're a doormat, the ideal fodder to be emotionally abused (and I would count not talking to you as abusive).

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

You may respect his right to his views but he is in no way respecting yours is he?. I don't think he gives a fig actually about either you or your son. Custy's words to you were crude yes, but apposite.

Go to your mums right now allok and forget about his mums until he can treat you all with the respect you deserve.

I know you think you are being clever and making plans but really the only plan you need to make is the journey from your house to your mothers tomorrow.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I think you are deluding yourself thinking you can handle his mum, and the real problem is the fact that it's because of his mum.
These are excuses for the appalling abuse he is inflicting on you and your family.

You are under the influence of an emotional abuser and it will be hard, but if I could do you can.

Please get some space between you and get some real life advice and support.

I sometimes paint my husband's toenails. Not girly pink admittedly, but deep purple, navy and black are OK although he avoids communal showers whilst wearing it. Did son's once and exhusband (his dad) not impressed. Not irate and humiliating son, just said he wanted it removed when he stayed with him.
I decided it wasn't an issue worth fighting over.
It sounds like this is more of a relationship issue than a nail varnish one though and the 2 of you not liking each other.
If you choose to stay you just have to lump it I suppose. Seems a shame for the kids.

I have to ask: has it ever occurred to you that your son may grow up to be gay? Not because of flipping nail varnish, or face paint, or choice of toys; not because of anything he does or does not do before he's even old enough to start school, but just because some people do? And he is going to grow up hearing his father spew hate and bigotry about gay people all the years of his life. Nice. Good for self esteem.

My cousin is gay, and she found it hard enough growing up in a liberal middle class pc family. Lord knows how she'd have suffered if your DH were her father. Hell, let's hope he doesn't want to go to art school, or become a primary school teacher, or a ballet dancer. Sounds like only a proper little macho man will get Daddy's approval - and is that what you want for your child? Or for him to grow up to think that openly expressed contempt for his wife is perfectly acceptable?

And I'm sorry, but damn straight your son knows the misery that lies between you and your DH. Your DH doesn't sound the most controlled or intuitive of people. Your DS is already crying and distressed because he's made to feel shit about himself.

I don't think anyone should leave a partner on the say so of a talk board unless there is actual abuse, but this culture clash is sounding more like a war zone than a home. And you sound like you're married to the man's mother, not him. Do you really want this to be your son's childhood?

What Qally said, every single word.