Need advice on what to do with Mother-in-Law

[OprahWinfrey]

My MIL lives in India. She turns 65 soon and has asked to come and live with us. Apparently she can apply for permanent residency when she turns 65. I don't want to live with her. What can I do? I've asked my DH to not apply but he is getting pressure from family and guilt trips from her.

Can I write to the home office explaining that I am not fit to have an elderly MIL to look after as I already have a hard time with ds (3) and on-off depression? My DS is self employed and is never around. She would prefer it if I didn't go back to work and stayed at home to look after her. She has 4 other sons and 2 daughters and they all hate her. Help. Does anyone know what I can do. It's giving me sleepless nights. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Oprah - agree with the advice others are giving. However it sounds to me like the main problem is between you and your H and his inability/unwillingness to see that this is just not on. It seems you want the Home Office to make the decision to keep the cart on the wheels, so to speak and I can understand this, but there does come a point in all relationships when it is time for straight talking and this is one of them!

If you go ahead to placate your H your mental health will undoubtedly suffer from what you say, and your H should be taking this into account. I really hope you can find the emotional strength to hold firm on this one and get your H to see that this is an arrangement that is just not viable. Could she not come over here as others have said and live in sime kind of sheltered accdt where your H could visit her (and you might even feel better about the odd visit) if she wasn't actually living with you. Your local authority should have details of sheltered accommodation, which should be fine if she is relatively fit and can care for herself.

Do hope this all gets sorted.

This is my DH's deal breaker. dh will just never ever leave his mother even if she was literally stabbing his eyes out with a fork. He is bound to her like nothing I've ever seen. I think the ultimatum is for me and I guess I don't feel financially secure at the moment especially as I'd given up work to have a baby. That was 3 years ago. Had I known then that this was the plan I would never have had a baby. I'd have been in a better state to give an ultimatum.

I just feel so out of it. Mentally, physically and financially. Sleepless nights and Citalopram seems to have numbed out all my fire that I shy away from arguments. I just don't feel like I can cope, especially if I had to stand my ground and kick him out. Weighing up the pros and cons, he is a good dad and loving husband and it would be a shame to lose him especially over MIL. I'd regret it as we've been through a lot together and apart from this MIL thing, I do love him and he's my best friend. So I'm back to square one. I have to tell DH no, absolutely not. :-(

can you turn it around? How would your dh feel about your mother moving in? Perhaps put it to him like that and maybe that'll give him some idea of what he's up against..

There is no way on earth I would have my mil living with me and I like my mil.

read this quickly so if repeating - sorry ! Would finances stretch to her funding joiuntly with you a small flat 3-4 miles from your home so she could be nearby but not in your face. And if she's a very taditional Indian mil then likelihood is she won't drive and you won't find her popping up on your doorstep every 5 mins. On the other hand she will be near enough that dh can go see her/she can be taken to yours to visit BUT on your terms.

Huge sympathies. The idea of my mil asking to live with us fills me with utter utter horror.

oh and why not get the rest of dh's family to share rent/mortgage payments on this proposed flat.

I wouldn't try to stop her coming via the home office. Her rights of residency are not dependent on you and that would really cause trouble in your marriage.

OK, my gran came to live here at 65 without a word of English and died a few years back with about 4 words of English - she was actually very independent and did her own thing anyway.

However, it sounds that mil is not so much dependent but rather difficult.

Any chance of dh putting her in a residential home nearby (does he earn enough to do this?) - depending on where you live there are homes that cater specifically for eldery asian people.

There must be a compromise somewhere here.

Oprah, I understand that it is hard for your DH to stand up to MIL but surely he can stand up to his siblings and tell them to back-off. If they do not want to take her then they have no right to put pressure on your DH and at least that might take some of the pressure off him for a bit.

In my view this should not be a huge argument. In a good realtionship, one partner should NEVER try to force something this big on the other. Does he know hoc concerned you are? Having another adult move in with a married couple is a huge deal and lots of extra pressure. Do you know what your DH wants? Taking away the pressure from his mum and siblings does he actually want her to live with you (as opposed to just feeling that he has an obligation to make sure she is taken care of)?

How soon is she 65? Will you be in a position soon (with regard to your LO) to go out to work to get you out of the house and make you a little more confident and independant (and unavailable to be her skivvy)?