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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I take him back (mainly for dake of DS)?

45 replies

Charl75 · 28/10/2009 16:38

Hi,
I posted a few months ago asking for advice on how to deal with my situation. Very briefly - five months ago my husband told me he didn't love me anymore.It transpired that he had been texting a work colleague and an affair began. He moved out (but left all his things) with a weekend bag and returned every couple of days to see DS/do washing etc then head off (never staying). Even after finding out about the affair that devestated me, I said I could work on forgiving him, took responsiblity for my failings in our relationship, suggested councelling and so on. Husband was not interested.
So, for five months I have worked on building my confidence, keeping things amicable and stable for sake of DS. I'm now used to being alone and apart form the odd blip I'm happier than I have been in years. Out of the blue last night when he was visiting to see DS he was tearful and said if I was willing he wanted to try again. What do I do? I'm so confused. My gut reaction is no way. He's treated me appaulingly, cheated, lied, acted selfishly (lots of details I wont go into). Sex was a huge problem and I don't want to/can't imagine being intimate with him.
BUT....should I try again for the sake of our son. There were some good times shared in the (distant)past and we do have some shared interests. So scared i'll be doing a diservice to my son by not trying again and exploring all avenues.
Does anyone have any similar experience/advice?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 28/10/2009 16:40

its not going to work is it!?

it wont be for ds sqke anyway,he wont want you unhappy again

eyetunes · 28/10/2009 16:42

nope. don't even go there. The strangth you have built up over the last few months will be sapped straight from you when he plays up again, which he will, when he is bored.

GypsyMoth · 28/10/2009 16:42

actually,i had similiar misgivings when i split with my ex. gave it a small try (weekend) and realised no way....total closure. i don't ever think 'what if'.

perhaps thats what you need?

eyetunes · 28/10/2009 16:43

strength god i sound like Frarnc.

EcoMouse · 28/10/2009 16:44

Don't do it, go with your gut reaction

From this, your DS will learn a lifes lesson in self respect and respect towards others. Invaluable!

JeMeSouviens · 28/10/2009 16:46

Where has he been staying this whole time? Has it ended with the OW and he finds himself without a place to go? Follow your gut reaction. If you are not happy, your DS won't be.

Martha1 · 28/10/2009 16:47

I'm agreeing with the others - don't do it!!

DuelingFANGo · 28/10/2009 16:48

If you really want to try then tell him he needs to get himself a little flat or room somewhere and you can talk about it. Don't let him move back in.

BiteOfFun · 28/10/2009 16:51

Er, no.

AmNOTMissMsOrMrsAmME · 28/10/2009 16:56

I would say no way! If your relationship was as appalling as you say it was then you wouldn't be doing your DS any favours by taking him back. I would also say to make sure that you aren't using your DS as an excuse to take him back, be totally honest with yourself and if you do find yourself wanting to give it another go with him then take it slowly, dating first, spend quality time together and try to work out if you actually even like him any more!

PerryPlatypus · 28/10/2009 16:56

I'd bet money that either the relationship with the OW has ended or it has now become very mundane now that it's no longer got the thrill of being a secret affair.

Either way, what's in it for you? You're happier than you've been in years, and your ds will have benefitted from that too.

And as for worrying that you haven't explored all the avenues, look back at this sentence in your OP:

"I said I could work on forgiving him, took responsiblity for my failings in our relationship, suggested councelling and so on. Husband was not interested."

I think that just about covers everything, doesn't it?

mrsboogie · 28/10/2009 17:11

No way should you go back. He is doing this because:

a) you have suddenly become more attractive to him because you have gained some independance and don't appear to need him - if you let him back in he will find it all boring and mundance again and want his excitement somewhere else
b) if you are now happy and confident and independant you probably ARE coming across in a more attractive light than you were when he left (understandably) and therefore he is suddenly worred about you moving on and finding another bloke
c) he has settled into boring domesticity with his OW and now finds her boring and mundane

or d) it hasn't worked out with her and he is taking the easy route by trying to get back with you

either way, he had his chance and he blew it, and now it is onward and very definitely upward for you!

abedelia · 28/10/2009 17:11

No. Please remind yourself that he did not see your pain and then choose to distance himself from both of you while he made up his mind, he definitely chose her. Now it has not worked out as he has found out she is an idiot (typical for the most part?) and he has come crawling back.

As I said on another thread earlier, it is hard enough to rebuild a relationship after this sort of thing if you still love them. If you have passed that point successfully and are moving on well (congratulations!) then you are condemning yourself to a life of being with someone you have no respect for and may well hardly ever bear to have sex with. Not great. Can you really bear to have to be emotionally deep frozen till your ds leaves home? Would you ever have another baby with this man, or are you content for that to be it? I think you'd be mad.

Original poster
Charl75 · 28/10/2009 17:35

Blimey! Thanks for all the responses!

I just don't want to look back in years to come and think I haven't done everything I could have - yes for me and DH but mainly for DS.

I do still care for DH and we have a past/history together(10 years)but I don't know if I love him as a husband (we were more like brother/sister) He still continues to lie too so trust is a big issue. Financially it would be better but I will survive and the break up put things into perspective for me. I no longer value material things like i used to.

Many may critisise this thought but it has crossed my mind that my DS,as a boy, would benefit from husband being around as dad living with us. Just a thought......

We used to be happy years ago but not sure that I can get over things and move on as a 'nuclear family'...not sure I even want to.

OP posts:
SolidGhoulBrass · 28/10/2009 17:37

DOn't take him back. Either the OW has binned him or she's suggesting he do his share of the housework, so he thinks that a bit of weeping and promises to 'try' mean he can come back home and get his dinner cooked and his laundry done again becase (he thinks) you are so desperate you will put up with anything to have him back. And that he can then go off shagging again when he feels like it.

KristinaM · 28/10/2009 17:37

i think it depends on what you mean by " exploring all avenues".

if you mean him moving back in then absolutely no NO NO

ditto if you mean "dating" him or having sex

or letting come around to your house, except to pick up / drop off your DS

or feeding him or letting him do his washing

if you mean agreeing to seeing a counsellor together then you might want to consider that. he would have to pay of course, and be committed to the whole counselling process

that way you might feel that you had at done everything you could for the sake of your son. And it might help you have a more amicable separation / divorce. the more you can agree on between you, the lower the solicitors fees.

Original poster
Charl75 · 28/10/2009 17:38

Oh
he did say that the OW had been a disappointment yet I know that he still texts 10/20/30 times a day. ???

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 28/10/2009 17:39

An unequivocal no from me. Well done for getting through that horrible time. Take comfort that you are stronger than you ever thought possible. Enjoy saying no and have no regrets. Be single for the sake of your DS - or at least, apart from his Dad.

KristinaM · 28/10/2009 17:41

oh cahrl, the poor man, his Ow has been a disappointment to him

that's so sad, i feel so sorry for him

EcoMouse · 28/10/2009 17:42

No no no!

If not now then in the future, there are bound to be men in your DS's life that will be a far more positive influence!

Many of us single mums are raising sons, I really don't think it's to the childs detriment!

Some of the most grounded, aware, positive and considerate men I know are those who were raised solely by their mums.

Original poster
Charl75 · 28/10/2009 17:45

So sorry EcoMouse. Just had to bring the thought to the table....

thanks KristinaM - made me laugh a bit.

God this is hard.

OP posts:
SolidGhoulBrass · 28/10/2009 17:50

He can still be in his DS's life and should be - as a father who visits DS, takes him out, looks after him, etc. But that doesn't mean he has to be in your life expecting sex and other services.
He dumped you, so you are entitled to move on happily without him. Your rleationship with him is now a co-parent one, and co-parents are in many ways like annoying relatives that you kind of have to put up with but shouldn't let get under your skin.

shoptilidrop · 28/10/2009 17:52

really - DONT DO IT.

I was in almost the same situation as you. I took him back and gave it another go.
I wasted another 2 years of my life with him.
He never changed, not even a little bit.
All i wanted was for my DD to have a complete family. I didnt want her to be labelled a single parent child and i didnt want that label myself.

I made totally the wrong decision and i really regrett taking him back, probably the worst mistake in my life.

EcoMouse · 28/10/2009 17:54

Don't be sorry, I wasn't being uppity just emphatic!

It's not wrong to consider all of these things, in fact it makes absolute sense to do so and I'm sure any of us in a similar position will have done.

Exploring all possiblilities is the best and only way to ensure the right decision for you.

(Still, No No No! IMO/E )

BEAUTlFUL · 28/10/2009 20:54

Don't feel bad/daft/silly/embarrassed for considering taking him back - anyone would think seriously about it, especially for the sake of their DS. I wouldn't be keen on your doing it though, because he's still lying to you and there is no way that it would work out if you can't believe anything he says. There's really no point to that, it's not any kind of relationship.

Anyway, no need for you to decide anything now. Just because he cries a bit, you're not obliged to make any decisions right this minute. He took 5 months to make the first limp crawl towards you, you can take another 5 weighing up your options. If you think he'll get bored waiting that long, there's your answer.

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