how many of you love your husband but are not in love with them anymore......

[allthreerolledintoone]

my friend is very unhappy in her marriage since having children. Like us all it can put a big strain onto the relationship and her and her dh hardly go out as often, have much in common, dont have or want to have sex regurlaarly etc and feel more like friends then husband and wife. She says she loves him like a friend and not a husband. She doesnt find him attractive anymore but knows he is a good man and a good father which makes it so hard to leave.Has anyone felt like this and come through it?

I know a few friends who feel like this since having children-myself included . I too love my dh but not in the same way i did. Hes working away alot at the moment and weekends are always busy so i feel we've drifted apart.The sad part is i often think about leaving but i know i never will .I mean is it fair to settle for someone who is a good husband and father but may not be the love of your live? Is it a reason to leave or can you work things out?

It's not rubbish - I think it's generally true, unfortunately. Though i'm not saying there aren't exceptions to the rule.

At the risk of sounding like Prince Charlie, What is love? I have no idea anymore apart from the burning wonderful love I feel for my child.

His father isn't around. So my love-slate is sort of clean - with no father to 'thank'?

Loving your child is not the risky freaky tableau of loving another random person though is it.... lying down under bits of material with him at night and sticking bits of each other's bodies inside.

And then seeing their poo and helping them be sick/get promotions.

Love is jurassic I think. It has always been.

It is: Confusing, difficult, wonderful, confabulous, often wrong, painful, expensive, transient, invigorating, oppressive, bollocks as it wasn't love after all...

it's like asking what is a fairy cake? We know the basic look and taste but the final outcome is limitlessly varied now the world has food colourings.

back off, I am a wanker. Its official.

Hi Riven . It was quite difficult, to realise it had been that long. At the beginning, there were gnuine health issues that made it difficult to maintain a full sexual relationship, but once they had been (virtually) resolved, we had sort of 'got out of the habit'. The most difficult thing for me was actually to talk to DH about it. Even though, in all our years of marriage he has bnever once given me any cause to think he was seeing anyone else, the thought crossed my mind at that point, purely because of the length of time without sex between us. But then I reasoned that I had not gone elsewhere and there was no real reason to think he had either. I have never, not even once, doubted his love for me. So we had the conversation.He told me that he had wanted to raise the issue many times but hadn't because he didn't want to pressure me. I told him he should have mentioned it, told him I wanted to get that side of our relationship back and asked him what he thought. He agreed that was what he wanted too and, well, it just happened from there.

Whilst I would never have said our relationship was lacking, other than the sex, it is very noticeable that we are now much more 'touchy feely' than before. He is more spontaneous than I ever remember and you wouldn't believe what we can get up to whislt I am cooking dinner . But I accept that it is easier for us as our children are now adults and so are frequently not around. We make a point of having days out together, he holds my hand when we are out, we have had a few days away on our own. Mornings can be fun! Weekends now see us in bed til around lunchtime and even in the evenings, when DCs are away, we might choose to skip dinner in favour of a very early night! I

I do appreciate that for us it is somewhat easier because our Dcs are pretty much self sufficient now, but I would absolutely recommend the little things: the kiss on the back of the neck, holding hands, having a cuddle on the sofa. Just being more physical in general, not only in bed. Realising that you are each other's partner, not just someone who happens to share children and a home together.

Electra, I don't think it is a given that you will always fall out of love with someone. Sometimes other things get in the way and the love you have gets pushed into the background for a while. I think the trick is to realise that is what is happening and then to make sure you allow the love to come to the fore again. I think that I have read something similar to your opinion that stated it is the biological need to have a father/provider for ones children to enable them to reach a certain age that is the driving force behind the passion/lust in a relationship. But what comes after that is just as real and can be a very deep love totally different to the first throes of passion, but equally if not more rewarding in the long run.

Well yes I suppose what I'm talking about is the initial 'can't get enough of that person' bit. Perhaps it's different for everyone though? I think how you conduct the relationship from the beginning can make a difference to how long it lasts. As you say, other things getting in the way probably doesn't help.

ia am not going to namechange for this though i am wary of saying it its other way around here i am in love with dh he doesnt love me but we stay together because of the ds particularly ds2 who has sn and requires us both to look after him i havnt had sex in 14 years no lie but we get along all the same ive stopped dreaming of any other way of life now

Oh dear bodeniites.
Instead of buying boden buy one of those rabbit things?

Do you have anyone who could look after dcs for a week or a bit less and the two of you go off for a fun weekend?

Sounds like you both deserve it.

after 14 years ? i dont think id know what goes where and no nobody could look after ds for a week he ets respite for one day about every 2 month

Riven and Boden for you both. It must be hell for you to want to sort things but not be able to because of the problems of finding someone to have your DCs for a night.

I am not even going to go down the route of suggesting family, because I have read previously about your MIL, Riven and I guess that if it was an option for Boden, you would have already tried that. I really don't know what to suggest. Do either of you get any time at all, during the evening for example? when you could treat yourselves to a 'date night' with DVD and a glass of wine with DH? Sorry, I don't know how much your DCs SN cause you to be 'on call' if you like. I am assuming, probably incorrectly that you may get some time when they are asleep? But maybe they don't follow a regular sleep pattern? Sorry I can't offer any more help.

FWIW I think it is a terrible indictment of our society when we allow parents to be carers 24/7 without really taking on board the strains that can cause in their relationships. And yet we still allow it to continue because nobody with the power to do so, will step in and say that these parents should have an absolute right to 'time off' at least once a week. After all, whatever it would cost to have people trained to do this, is a mere drop in the ocean compared to the money that these devoted parents are saving the country by looking after the children themselves, rather than leaving it to the state to do. I believe that it is now against EU regulations for any employee to work more than 48 hours per week. So what do they think parents such as Riven and Boden are doing? having a street party?

i think this is quite common in long term relationships - the relationship becomes like brother and sister. If the partner is basically a good person but it is just lack of passion then it is incredibly hard to make a break as it looks so selfish. And who knows whether passion will be around the corner with someone else. It's a case of the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know.

I know some couples who have come to an "arrangement" over this. I know this is considered to be heresy by the moral minority on mumsnet but - if it keeps the family together?

I think in this type of relationship the man, especially, is highly vulnerable to an affair.

14 years without sex - sorry, but I would find that completely unaccepatble and would either leave or reach an understanding about lovers.

About 20 odd years ago I was in a psycology class talking about love. The lecturer, (female in her 40's) said that she loved her husband but was not in love with him.

As a 19 year old who thought I knew all about love, I didn't have a clue what she was talking about. Now as a 40 year old mother of 2 who has been married 17 years I know exactly where she was coming from.