Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Please slap me or tell me your experience!

24 replies

WobblyWench · 25/10/2009 10:25

Not been here for ages, but need to let this out. Left husband 7 months ago, he lied, cheated, was very irresponsible and selfish. For the sake of DD (3) I was more than willing to keep things amicable. However, he has put her at risk before, and done drugs whilst having her. The main thing, after everything he put me through and the way he destroyed me, is that after only 4 months of our 8 year marriage breaking up, he has someone else. Yes, I feel so angry and bitter, he made my life miserable, so why should he be happy, he has left me an emotional wreck with so many issues yet he can brush himself off and move on. I don't think I am jealous, just bitter that he is happy, he doesn't deserve to be. I have been so acommodating, even attended a funeral with him on Wednesday, only to find out that his girlfriend was waiting for him in the hotel where I dropped him off, felt like a slap in the face. How do I move on? I never want to see him again, but of course there is DD to consider.

OP posts:

Original poster

WobblyWench · 25/10/2009 10:41

Also, when I decided to leave, I viewed a place on a Tuesday and got the keys on the Sunday. I had about 20 pounds to last 2 weeks, and hadn't sorted out the housing benefit, that's how desperate I was to get away from him. He pays me 200 pounds a month, which goes straight to the nursery for fees, but he marks it as maintenance when sending from his account. The tosser.

OP posts:

picmaestress · 25/10/2009 10:56

Men do this a lot. They are very different. Also, don't assume just because he's with someone new that he's happy.

The point is: you are happy, because he made you miserable and destroyed you and now he's history - your contact with him is now minimal. He'll go on to destroy someone else, and you'll have the last laugh.

Think positively about your situation (not easy when you've got 20 quid to live on, I know) - you are now free and can do what you want.

What would it take for you to brush yourself and move on? Because you're going to have to at some point...why not make it now? No-one can take your pain away, but you can bloody well look like you're doing alright.

You move on by getting through each day with as much grace and forgiveness in your heart that you can muster, and by having some pride in yourself. Bitterness is a very destructive emotion, and pretty pointless. Don't waste another 8 years hating him, that really would be a shame.

Is there any way you can work so you feel more independent and financially secure?

Original poster

WobblyWench · 25/10/2009 11:30

Thanks so much for your support. I was really happy when I left, it took a few months to adjust, but my DD and I were fine, just didn't realise I was this weak. I was getting to a really happy stage but this has knocked me back and I don't know why. I totally agree about moving on. The money situation was when I left him 7 months ago. I had an accident last year but am almost recovered and have been looking for work, so that will help with my self esteem once I get a job. I don't want to stop my daughter from seeing him, but I don't want to see or speak to him. He lost his licence for the 2nd time so doesn't drive, so it means me going to the house. Thanks for the kick up the arse, this is just consuming me.

OP posts:

picmaestress · 25/10/2009 11:46

You're not weak, you're just dealing with it, rather than brushing it under the carpet.
It is important to acknowledge that to a certain extent you control your emotions, they don't control you. So you might feel crap or weedy about what he is doing, but you must balance that with the good stuff which is also happening.
The reason it feels crapola when someone finds a new person so quickly is that it feels like they don't care, and never did. It kind of makes a mockery of those 8 years: not a great feeling.
But what you do have is your DD, and a great future, and at some point, a really rather nice man who will make you see that all of this was just a rather wobbly path leading to happiness.

My Dad says to me that you have to have faith. In the darkest times remember that you're doing this all because you believe in your future happiness. It will come, but it might take a while. Hang in there. You're not on your own, and a job will also help.

I say all of this, but I still struggle and I'm ten months on >wry smile<

Also: you can see him but not let him get to you, just build a little metaphorical defence barrier when you know he'll be around. Sounds a bit lame, but if you visualize yourself with a great big wall between you, it can help. Or imagine kicking him really hard in the shin if he's being a tosser. Works for me

Anniegetyourgun · 25/10/2009 11:46

If you do come face to face with the new girlfriend, be kind to her. The poor wench is going to have a rude awakening before long. The leopard can disguise his spots but he can't change them.

Original poster

WobblyWench · 25/10/2009 11:53

Lol - thank you so much, this is the way I was thinking, at least you made me smile again! Yeah, I agree I am not a fishwife so won't say anything to the new girlfriend. I still part own the house, so disagree with her staying there and have it made it clear she is not to meet DD. Yes and you hit the nail on he head, it does feel like the whole relationship was a farce by him moving on so quickly, but I guess I should have known and I realise it's just about sex for him. at least I have kept my legs crossed since I left lol. And yes Annie, the worst part is that it is a girl he works with, but she is in a different depot, pity her when it goes wrong as he is such a weasel. Thanks again, will save this so I can read it when I need strength.

OP posts:

skidoodle · 25/10/2009 11:57

Why do you assume he's happy?

You are hurting because your marriage broke up, but you are on your way to being happy and fulfilled.

He is just the same old prick he's always been. The only difference is that he's not your problem anymore

Original poster

WobblyWench · 25/10/2009 12:15

lol skid!! Very true. Well I guess sex makes him happy, and I am a deeper person, so maybe that's why. I have duly given myself a huge bitch slap!!

OP posts:

picmaestress · 25/10/2009 13:03

Have a great big glass of Chablis and a hug from me, no bitch slaps here ;)

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 25/10/2009 13:23

All VERY good advice there Wobbly, don't let it, or him get to you. you did the right thing.

TDiddy · 25/10/2009 14:37

You just have to recall how unhappy you would have been if you had kept him. You should feel proud that you took control and dumped him and didnt allow yourself to become a victim

poshsinglemum · 25/10/2009 16:24

If I were you I would be sorry for his new squeeze.

He might seem happy but an abusive man really isn't happy or otherwise he wouldn't need to control you.

Honestly- you will be happy again and you will be relieved he is gone.

Doha · 25/10/2009 16:53

Sorry don't understand why just because he lost his liscence again you have to do the running about.

His problem--he can use bus or taxi to see his DD you don't have to do it unless you want to...

Original poster

WobblyWench · 25/10/2009 17:32

He makes it difficult Doha, he expects me to do everything, and I guess I am a mug, as I am trying to do right by DD, but he knows that so uses it to his advantage.

This is why I want to stop all contact with him, but how, I really don't know. I could ask his mum to play go between as we are and have always been good friends, but it would mean passing the buck to FIL as MIL can't drive. And I don't like asking for help.

I guess the upshot is that I find it hard to be a bitch, when I have every right to be.

OP posts:

Original poster

WobblyWench · 25/10/2009 17:41

Him?! Get a bus, god forbid lol.

OP posts:

Doha · 25/10/2009 17:42

yes you are being a mug and l can understand why but you are trying to do right by your DD
Time to look after yourself now girl.
Good idea for your mum to play a part in tha handover.
If he want to keep contact with DD he should have thought of the consequences of losing his licence.
Stop running about after him. He is old enough and no doubt ugly enough to make his own travel arrangments.
No contact with him from now on and allow that defence barrier to grow stronger

Good luck

Original poster

WobblyWench · 25/10/2009 18:45

I am glad you said that Doha, makes me feel better about cutting all ties and has given me the confidence to just do it. Been reading Labyrinths thread about abusive DH, so many similarities and has reminded me why I left in the first place.

Thanks girls for the support, I have felt better about things as the day has gone on. Out of sight out of mind and all that.

OP posts:

Original poster

WobblyWench · 27/10/2009 07:22

Well, I did it... I asked MIL to intervene and help with handover of DD, I never ever have to see or speak to it again, the relief I feel is amazing. I can push forward now and not have him tormenting me or using me as his little puppet. Thanks for giving me the confidence to do it. I have a job interview today, if I get it, will really change my life and I will be financially independent. Wish me luck!!

OP posts:

Lemonylemon · 27/10/2009 15:48

Good for you. Onwards and upwards. And don't forget - what goes around comes around...... and he will get a royal kick up the arse at some point.

By the way, you're not "asking for help" regarding pick up and drop off of your DD - you're asking for him to do his share - which is quite different.

benjysmum · 27/10/2009 15:55

Good luck with the interview; let us know how it went. Not sure if you've managed to catch your breath yet, so much seems to be changing in your life but you really need to start looking into the legal situation about your DD not meeting his new chick as well as the house and stuff.

Again, good luck, hang in there!!

Original poster

WobblyWench · 27/10/2009 21:00

Hi guys, well, interview went really well, I went there with the attitude that I wouldn't get it but gave it my all. Got lots of approving nods and smiles and interviewed them in the end.... they even said they would accommodate me around DD's nursery days...... HOWEVER..... I got a call to say I was fantastic BUT was pipped to the post I was second out of three applicants, I am guessing the 3rd applicant had no children and could work every day. But, I see it as good practice and was happy I could answer their questions competently and with confidence. Benjysmum.... He has the house and myself and DD live in a 2 bed apartment which I love, but don't know where I stand as to divorce, no equity, so would I be told to move back in and he pay mortgage? have no idea. He does need a huge fall back down to earth.

OP posts:

Original poster

WobblyWench · 27/10/2009 21:03

and I have told him that new GF has no right to meet DD, and no right to be in our house, my name is still on mortgage, I left it that way as I know he cannot afford to buy me out and he cannot afford to divorce me. He is on a huge salary, he gets 650 a month rent from the spare rooms and gives us sod all. I know the new gf has stayed there, through mutual friends.

OP posts:

EcoMouse · 27/10/2009 21:11

See a solicitor Wobbly, a good one will be able to advise you wrt your house and protecting your daughter. It doesn't sound like you can trust his word that he wont have his shag colleague there.

EcoMouse · 27/10/2009 21:13

...they'll also be able to advise wrt maintenance! Unfortunately, gutting as it is, if the house is half his he can have whoever he wants there.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread