DP "in love" with someone else. But I still love him.

[ThisBoyDraculaDrew]

Some of you will recognise me.

Turns out DP wants more from the neighbour than he can have. There is nothing going on and probably never will.

He is "infatuated" with her. If she asked him to run away and start a new life (which she won't) there is a good chance he would leave me and go.

All his words. He is now trying to decide if he can put up with me "second best".

I love him. I don't want to/can't let him go. But it doesn't look good.

I want him to concentrate on US. But he seems to be focussing on whether he has a chance with her.

Feeling awful. I will accept being second best - IF he can move on. It doesn't look as though he can.

I think he is going to throw away his family for something he will never get.

I think he is going through a Midlife crisis and will regret his decision when he comes through it...but I don't see what I can do to stop it.

Feeling exceedingly

[ThisBoyDraculaDrew]

Thanks guys for all of the messages. And whenWill I you remembered everything spot on.

I think that switch in my head flciked last night.

He has all but admitted that he has been pushing me to push him out because he doesn't want to make the decision himself (which is where I was a couple of weeks ago).

I have been to CAB today...will try and sort out mortgage advice by the end of the week.

What I am finding quite ammusing is that he went through all of his plans last night. His financial ones are all way off in terms of how much capital he will walk away with and how much mortage he can get etc. So that bubble will burst soon.

Oh and BTW apparently - in his paraletic state on Saturday - he has seriously seriously upset the neighbour to the point where she barely passed the time of day onthe school run this morning. So that bubble has been burst. All in all I have been walking round with a huge on my face today....who knows what will happen when ADs kick in in a couple of weeks and I become emotionally stronger than ever .

Anyway thankyou for all of your support and wise words....I will be counting on some MN support over the next few months no doubt.

[abedelia]

Might be worth your while making peace with the neighbour yourself - at least then you can tell her he is being an arse. What would really burst his bubble is getting her on YOUR side... good luck, glad you are feeling stronger.

It will be much easier when you don't have to see him constantly.

[ThisBoyDraculaDrew]

TBH I don't really have an issue with her as I don't actually think she has done anything wrong cos it is all in his head.

[nanafantastic]

You know, I read this with a sinking feeling, knowing in my heart what he was up to. My DP did it to me, basically pushing me to make the decision because he was too much of a coward.

Well I kicked him out and spent months and months beating myself up for kicking him out. Then one day I realised I felt better.

I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders and realised that I'd been walking on eggshells for ages and now I no longer had to.

What a relief, although it took all that heartache to realise that my self-esteem was so important to my whole sense of well-being.

Sending you hugs and support - you can do it, and as someone else says - take baby steps and you'll wake up one day feeling so much better.

[clam]

OK, well I'm going to paint a daft analogy.
You know on 'Who wants to be a millionaire?' the contestants get to see the next question before they decide whether they're going to risk what they already have on answering it?
If they know for certain that the price is high, they are unlikely to risk what they have.

So, tell him. Make it VERY clear to your DP that if he chooses to jeopardise your relationship, then you are in control of what happens next, which includes his contact with the DCs, where he lives and how much money is left over for him. Oh, and that if he goes, that's IT for you two as a couple. There will be no second chances.
Whilst he knows that you will be there waiting for him when if it all goes tits up, then there's no incentive for him to treat you with any respect.

[abedelia]

Just to clarify - I meant by making peace that you should have a word with her so you are friends. The poor woman was obviously horrified and probably feels very awkward around you. T'would be nice to stay friends with your neighbour, particularly if you are going to kick him out.

By the fact that he has been making your life miserable to shift blame for leaving from himself to you, he is clearly spineless as well as sad and deluded. Once the mist clears he will probably be kicking himself for being such a tw*t.

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

I think that you just need to accept that if this marriage comes to an end, there is a chance that you might still love him when he leaves. Saying that you can't leave because you still love him is a distraction. Partly because your love for him is not all important and also because it will probably be the last emotion you hang on to, you could have been separated for a while and still love him, doesn't mean the relationship was worth staying for.

[Tortington]

oh wow - you go girl screw him over big time!

[ThisBoyDraculaDrew]

Thanks abedelia. I know how I can build bridges with here.

Has been a strange atmosphere here tonight...he has been rather compasionate...rather relaxed...rather talkative. I think we have talked more tonight (in terms of idol chit chat) than we have in the last week. I hope he doesn't think he is worming his way back in now that he has destroyed the relationship they had on whatever level. He started burning his bridges last night....

I must be strong.
I must resist the temptation.
MN must help me keep sight of that light....

[MadameDuBain]

ThisBoy, it's great that you have had this lightbulb moment / flicked switch - that is 90% of the battle, it really is.

It doesn't mean you won't have feelings for him, but you know, you're still going to see him and interact with him and talk. You can go through with this and still be friendly and warm to each other. If you keep up your strength and your support network and your no-shit attitude, it will only make him see what he's missing and ultimately you may be the one in a position to make a choice. I do think this is the route that will make things easiest for you.

Good luck and I know you will be able to get support here.

[Alibooobaandthe40phantoms]

I got really angry with you and for you reading the first couple of pages of this thread, now I have a smile on my face.

You hold all the cards here.

[Leslaki]

You go girl!!! Your life will be so much better without him - his won't!!! If you're in Northants I can recommend a fantastic ball breker of a lawyer if you need one - everyone is very impressed with my settlement but it was hard fought for for my kids!!! You need to look out for you and DC now. Well done and good luck!! You're freeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!