DP "in love" with someone else. But I still love him.

[ThisBoyDraculaDrew]

Some of you will recognise me.

Turns out DP wants more from the neighbour than he can have. There is nothing going on and probably never will.

He is "infatuated" with her. If she asked him to run away and start a new life (which she won't) there is a good chance he would leave me and go.

All his words. He is now trying to decide if he can put up with me "second best".

I love him. I don't want to/can't let him go. But it doesn't look good.

I want him to concentrate on US. But he seems to be focussing on whether he has a chance with her.

Feeling awful. I will accept being second best - IF he can move on. It doesn't look as though he can.

I think he is going to throw away his family for something he will never get.

I think he is going through a Midlife crisis and will regret his decision when he comes through it...but I don't see what I can do to stop it.

Feeling exceedingly

[ThisBoyDraculaDrew]

Thanks Shine on.

It is TBH.

[ThisBoyDraculaDrew]

I just don't think it is worth him destrying the whole family for something that he can't have, that he knows he can't have, that will probably pass in a few months.

[BiteOfFun]

Look, if you really want him to commit to you (and I wouldn't, he sounds a right pillock), you need to make yourself a prize worth having. That means having some self-respect and not being someone who rolls over and says "Yes, I am a bit mediocre and you can do better but I'm desperate and nobody else would ever consider putting their penis in me, so I'm right here, no matter what". So let him see what he stands to lose and get the fuck out, or make him leave. Otherwise he won't even want to fight for your relationship, because he hasn't lost it.

It is the only move open to you if you want to bring him to his senses.

Your move.

[Doha]

Oh my God

Never ever settle on being second best.
Don't don't please or you will totally loose your self respect.
Who the hell does he think he is???
Wake up my dear-gather your DC's and get the hell out of this relationship.
You need to be number one , not a poor second best.
There is no such thing as "can't let him go" you mean won't let him go.

This is no life for you and your DC's he is being a twat and you, by putting up with this--and enabling him to be one.

End this relationship NOW

[SimonHowl]

think hard about the damage this can do to your self esteeem int eh long run
no time to type now but have had htis close to home

[CowWatcher]

I am so sorry for you. Have you considered spending a couple of weeks apart & then investigating counselling? Its very easy to believe yourself infatuated, the hard thing is to work on the reaities of the reltionship that you have. Come down to the grass always seeming greener....

From presonal experience ths can work very well. Good luck to you both.

[Leslaki]

If he has said he wants to leave you then tell him to go. You will be devastated/shocked for a very short period of time but then you will be much happier and be better off without him. the neighbour will probably be grateful too!!! tell him to go, then come on here and rant, cry, do wahtever you need to do. There are plenty of people here to help. Phone tax credits etc and see what you would get financially - I am MUCH better off emotionally and financially without Xh!!! You are worth more than this - and so are your dcs.
And don't feel sorry for him when he starts trying to make you - going on about having nowhere to live etc - it'll all be crap. My x told dd (just turned 5 that he was sleeping in his car for 6 months cos I'd thrown him out - he was actually living in a new 3 bed house with his OW!!).
Be strong for you and your kids.

[corriefan]

I wouldn't be able to walk out just like that. Don't children just about always want their parents to stay together if possible? Couples do sometimes recover from affairs and nothing has actually happened physically in your situation. It could be mid-life crisis type fantasy nonsense. If you think you can cope then that's your decision.

[ThisBoyDraculaDrew]

Neighbour doesn't know. He was going to ask her outright to help him move on, so that he could put it to rest. I (stupidly) talked him out of that because I didn't see what he had to gain.

She hasn't encouraged him. She is just a very likeable (to both sexes), and easy to get on with woman.

Relationship has been deepening since begining of summer holidays I guess. Has only really admitted (to himself) his feelings since I told him I was threatened by their relationship about 3 weeks ago. He admitted he wants more than he can have a week ago.

[FrayedKnot]

I'm sorry, Drac, but this situation IS saying something about your relationship. The crush sounds more like a symptom than the cause, tbh.

Crushes have a habit of burning themselves out eventually but if he is really unhappy in the relationship, and doesn;t want or can't work with you to sort out the problems, next time it could well be someone who IS available. Adn the hurt and unhappiness will be even worse.

I think if I were you, hard though it is, I would ask him to leave for a period of time and then either come back and work things out with you, or leave for good.

[Callisto]

I feel deeply sorry for you too, but right now I don't think everyone saying 'Oh poor you, how awful' is what you need. What you need is to find some courage and show this utter, utter twat that his behaviour is absolutely not acceptable.

And you refer to him as DP. Well the D could stand for many things, but one thing the P can't stand for is 'partner' because in your relationship that is exactly what you and he are not.

[ThisBoyDraculaDrew]

Tbh over the last couple of months we have had lots of deep and meaningful "talks".

Absolutely everything he has said in those talks can be found in textbooks regarding MLC - including infatuation over something (especially someone) that is unattainable.

Things were a thousand times better between us until I put my foot in it and asked him if he was having an affair.

[Callisto]

Please don't blame yourself for his crappy, infantile behaviour. You're just enabling him to continue with his 'mid-life crisis' which I would be very dubious about. Sounds like an excuse to have a fling to me.

[ThisBoyDraculaDrew]

It would when DCs are currently blissfully ignorant, living a happy life,

I can't turn that upside down and do something that I fundamentally don't want to do.

A friend has told me that when she was being told to leave her Dp...she couldn't do it until she was ready. No matter how much everyone was telling her to. I guess that is where I am. I am not ready yet. And despite everything typed above I don't know what will make me ready.

[ThisBoyDraculaDrew]

He hasn't said he is having a mid-life crisis BTW. I have diagnosed that one - so he is not using that as an excuse.

[Callisto]

No, you're using it to excuse his behaviour. You need to stop finding excuses for him right now.

[OrmIrian]

Ouch!

I think that perhaps you just need to act as if he has said he is leaving to be with someone else. No if or buts. Because he has said that is what he wants.

What would you do if he came home one day and said' I'm leaving tonight to be with OW because I love her'. Would not at least part of your response be anger? That is what you need.

[ThisBoyDraculaDrew]

my own parents relationship was one of a sofa acting as a bed for over 10years. and there is no way that will be happening here.

[skidoodle]

I think this is eminently recoverable from, but you will help the process along by taking an active role rather than just hoping he settles for second best.

What you need is to convince both of you of the truth - that your whole family will be happier if he gets over his infatuation and works on his relationship with you.

That means that you need to start calling some shots: e.g. he needs to leave the house until and unless he can commit to being a full member if the family.

Don't just wait around cajoling, it really isn't a good look on anyone. Leaving doesn't have to be permanent but losing respect for someone usually is.

[benjysmum]

Tell him to make up his mind.. and in the meantime, you'll be making up you mind about him!!! See how he likes it. I don't think this necessarily warrants kicking him out of the house but he should definitely be headed for the sofa at least.

BTW, I hope you're clear that even if he doesn't get this chick, you'll always be second best and he'll always be looking for someone better around the next corner which will not make for a pleasant 'rest of your life together'.