Where do i stand?

[Springchicken]

God, this is going to be long, so i apologise in advance.

DP and i have been going through what you can only describe as a "Rocky Patch" over the last few weeks and what makes it more frustrating is that prior to this we had been getting on better than ever.
Basically, DP's dad passed away 4 years ago and when it gets to this time each year things start going pear shaped but this year things have been particulaly worse.
We had such an arguement a few days ago that he told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore, he'd been trying to list reasons for being with me and couldn't, he smashed up part of the house then wanted to sit and talk about it. I told him i was packing my things and leaving but I couldn't because of DD (who is nearly 1).
On sunday we had a pathetic arguement over DD being upset, i wanted to hug her and settle her but DP wouldn't let me and kept insisting on him doing it when she was screaming her head off. This resulted in me calling him a few names and him retaliating by calling me a F*cking fat slag.
Now, names don't usually bother me but when i am aware of how i look, the fact that i have a 1 yr old daughter and i am riddled in stretchmarks being called fat does get to me and does upset me. Needless to say when we got into bed DP decided he wanted to make up but i wasn't having any of it.
This morning we took DD to nursery, when i walked away she started crying which he has never done before so when i got out to the car i told DP to which he replied "Well i don't i like her going there anyway" to which i replied "Why because you mum doesn't"
I know that was a stipid thing to say and as soon as i said it i realised. However, DP then proceeded to punch the windscreen of the car so hard im surprised he didn't wreck his hand.
We drove the rest of the way to dropping him at work in silence, when he got out of the car he said he was sorry and that he was sick of arguing. I made it worse by saying that i knew he wasn't sorry he was just saying it for the sake it.
We then entered into a semi adult conversation about why we keep arguing, he said that he thinks i don't fancy him anymore because we don't sleep together as much as he'd like, to which i replied well what do you expect if you call me a fat slag. He says he only says it to hurt me, which it does, and that he doesn't mean it. I explained that this isn't goin to make me want to sleep with him more, it is just going to make me more adamant that i wont.
Anyway, it ended in him getting out the car saying, well go and find another bloke then cos i know i wont have any trouble finding another woman, slammed the door and walked off.

I want a trial seperation, i think it would do us good to be away from each other for a while, i'm quite prepared to move into a hotel or something, however, the problem lies with DD. DP wont let me take her and there is no way i am walking away from her and leaving her with DP. I know she is his daughter too but she is my little girl and she needs to be with me.

Sorry for the long winded rant but i wanted to know what you think and where i stand with going for a break from th relationship.
We live together and have done for nearly 3 years, we have been together for 5.5 years, we have a DD (obviously) and we are meant to be getting married in July 2006 but i just can't carry on like this.

OMG springchicken
It sounds like you are both in such a terrible emotional spiral of hurting each other - one ready to make up but the other not able to let it go so that it has been hanging in the air like a plot in a soap opera.
Two things srike me from your post - first is that DP seems to deal with his emotional stress in quite a violent way. I know that you have only told us about him lashing out at inanimate objects but it would worry me. A windscreen FGS? was your DD nearby? smashing up the house? your house is your DDs safe place from the world - he needs to see that it is totaly out of order to go round trashing your home.
The second is that it seems to be starting to affect your DD, quite naturally.
Personally, I would get a trusted babysitter round, take DP out somewhere quiet, like a local park (somewhere with nothing to break!) and tell him how you feel. I would attempt to say that now is not the time for accusations and blame and just concentrate on trying to work out why it is going wrong, why you both have a hard time forgiving each other what is triggering it. You are on the brink of separation and for the sake of your child, I would make sure, very sure, that you are making the best call for all of you. If you both can?t talk about it all calmly like two adults, then maybe time apart to calm down and reassess may be the best solution for all - but make it with a set time span so that you both know where you stand.
Most of all, whatever you do, make sure you are all safe and people who deal with emotions in a physical way can be unpredictable.

Thanks Basketcase.
You are right, DP does deal with his anger in a violent way, never towards myself or DD, but he does lash out at walls, doors etc.

Do you really think it is our arguing that is having an effect on DD? The nursery asked me if she was OK last week because she hadn't been her usual happy self and kept sponteaneously crying which is unheard of for her as she is such a happy little girl.

I do think a trial seperation would be good and that we need a break from each other - I am 20, he is 21 we have been through so much together in our 5 years.
His dad passed away 4 years ago which was obviously horrendous, my granddad passed away in April who i was extremely close to, my mum had a breast cancer scare and the threat of her previous brain cancer returning.
Maybe we should go on Oprah.

He has just called me to say he is really really sorry, he hates us arguing and he only says te things he does because we are arguing and he knows it will hurt me at the time.
He promises he doesn't mean any of it, he loves me more than ever and really wants us to stop arguing.
We have agreed we will have a long chat tonight.

I am going through the same at the mo SC, and it's horrid isn't it, argueing then making up, argueing then making up. Last night we agreed that if it wasn't for the girls we probably wouldn't be together. Our 9 year anniversay on tomorrow as well, its shite.

Didn't realise you were getting married in July, are you going to put this off? Think you both need to have a long chat and try and work things out if possible. I wouldn't move out if I were you, I would ask him to move out so that you can stay with dd.

Oh SC - Having a baby puts a huge strain on a relationship. Your DH sounds like mine! He's had to patch up holes in doors many times.

I don't have time to post a lot just now.... but I'll come back later.

You're dd will NOT be permanently scarred by this. The spontaneous crying sounds more like she's in pain from teething.... or perhaps ear ache??
We feel so guilty arguing in front of ds, he is nearly 4. He just goes up to his room and puts on a video. Then we realise and go up to see him and tell him that Mummy and Daddy are just having a tantrum just like he has sometimes. He seems quite amused by that.

It is shite yes - sorry to hear you are going through this too OO

No point in asking him to move out because he wont, if i really want to make a point about a trial break the only way to do it is for me to leave but then i am not leaving DD and he wont let me take her, so i'm stuck between the proverbial.

OO - Not you too! These rough patches do come and go though.... don't they? >hopeful emoticon

Beetroot, I am not particulaly unhappy with my weight, I weigh 10st 8lb which is less than i weighed before i had DD. Everyone tells me how good i look and i feel much better about myself, i wear clothes i wouldn't have worn before having DD. DP makes me feel insecure about the way i look because he see's me in ways no-one else does. he see's me when i wake up in the morning looking rough, he see's me naked and it's him that calls me these names which makes me feel horrible.

We do need time alone too i think, i just don't know which way it should go. The last time the 2 of us went out on our own was when he proposed to me in January but we he arranged at the weekend to go out next weekend and my DB and SIL will have DD overnight.
We are both stressed at the minute but no more than the next couple, we have taken on a huge mortgage which is putting a strain on us. We haven't had a holiday since last March, which was for 1 week when i was pregnant - i know tahat sounds ungreatful but when you are used to having 2 holidays a year, not having one in well over a year becomes hard.
We were meant tobe ging away in September for 11 days but i don't know if that is such a good idea now - putting more financial strain on our relationship.

Thanks QF for reassuring me about DD - I would never ever want her to be negatively affected by anything that i do.

Sorry about the typo's!

Springchicken,

It seems that your partner has not managed to work properly through his feelings regarding his Dad's passing 4 years ago. Do you think he has managed to grieve or to even try to come to terms with this loss?. It seems to me like he is lashing out at imanimate objects (doors etc) out of sheer anger and frustration that he has kept inside. He should be aware that it is okay for him to cry and to talk about his Dad if he wants to.

Would he consider bereavement counselling e.g CRUSE?. It is hard for most people to come to terms with loss of loved ones but I feel that such counselling from an impartial person may well help him longer term get all this out. This has the potential to immensely damege both his life and that of you and DD if this is not addressed. You are seeing the effects of all this now and you DD is being affected by what is going on around her.

If you did decide to permanently separate then you would need to seek proper legal advice about where you stand legally with regards to your child and finances.

You've both been through a hell of a lot to date and such trials of life would put a huge strain on a relationship no matter how it was to start with.

Would encourage you both to seek relationship counselling from Relate as well as bereavement counselling.

I feel you can both come through this if you still have feelings for each other but both of you will need to put in the emotional work.

we are going through a bad patch atm as well, dh is the sort of person who flares up and lashes out at inanimate objects as well sometimes, has also said some really painful things to me. We went for our first relate session last week, and it does seemed to have helped calm our emotions and make things a bit clearer. Am hoping we can rescue our relationship with regular sessions. I would recommend going to see them, even if for just one session. If you can't afford the full fee they will negotiate a lower payment with you. Good luck

How did your chat go SC?

xx

Sorry not been back to this thread sooner, well actually, not been back to mumsnet since!

DP and i have had a pretty intense few weeks of trying to get this resolved - we both know and have told each other how much we want this to work and have now realised a few things.

Funny how things seem to come back to the most silly little things or something that isn't even very dramatic but manages to be the root of your problems.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that we are getting sorted, we had a horrible first week but the last 2 weeks have got better and better, we are actually talkin to each other now rather than shouting and trying to discuss problems rather than let them build and build.

We have now booked a holiday as we both think it would do us good to get away from the same surroundings we have looked at solidly for the last 18 months and have some specially time with just us and DD, as a family.

Anyone else get anywhere? OO?