Can't Let Go of Past Relationship - Am I The Only One?

[Southdevondelight]

In a nutshell - Both early 50's, met in 2005 and took things really slowly, developing a strong (or so I thought) loving relationship. We live an hour's drive apart and job/family commitments prevented us buying house together but splitting time between the two homes has worked really well for past 3 years.

Relationship ended in January when, without warning or explanation, he wanted "space" and to be just "friends". After such intimacy and loving, I couldn't go back to being friends and said goodbye. Broke my heart, I'm devastated and can't get over this happening. Trying everything to distract - extra workload, joining groups, more time with friends, studying, exercise etc but it's all just a pretence and I'm scared in danger of depression. Please tell me I'm not alone in feeling like this.

Poor you and no, you aren't alone.

I am in rather different circumstances than you but I too am finding it very hard to move on - I was the one who ended our relationship and know I must stay strong and not go back. It was pretty unhealthy.

It has been almost a year since your split, have you met/been out with anyone else?

I know, so well that feeling of limbo and would like some answers myself!

FF Can you say why you ended the relationship (no pressure if it's too difficult). How long were you together?

I think I'm setting myself up to receive lots of the "move on, be positive, better off without" type comments. I do realise that time WILL heal, I WILL get over the hurt and maybe will love again but right now that simply doesn't feel possible.

Until only a couple of months ago I held the hope we could perhaps work something out but that hasn't happened and, as I said, I really can't be "just friends" with somebody I grew to love so very deeply. Jealousy is already kicking in big time at the thought of him with somebody new (if he's not already, then it will surely come).

No, he wasn't perfect, but certainly ticked all my boxes and would be a very hard act to follow. I don't give myself easily and there's now a trust issue to deal with if the time ever comes with a new man. In answer to your question, I can't even contemplate meeting anyone else - second best/comparisons would not be fair on them.

This is why I feel kind of isolated because a large percentage of the broken relationships on MN seem to be where one party is glad to be out of it and ready to move on. Despite the huge unanswered WHY, I don't hate him and think it may actually help my sanity if I can reach a "neutral" stage. The question is how, when I can't stop thinking about before and what's been lost. I did warn that I just can't let go!

Sorry, name-changed because I have too many other issues going on here and worried I could come across as either pathetic wimp or totally unstable! Oh dear, looks like I'm losing the plot. Will take deep breaths and hopefully get things into perspective

Southdevondelight - me too - different siutation but I'm much the same age as you. Mine was a fated EMA. But it has happened to me before too (years ago) and it was always when some real committment was coming up - lie moving forward to living together. Men are just totally shit at ending relationships, they are frightened of upsetting us and then end up sending stupid emails or texts and saying "it isn't you it's me..."

The problem is that until you find something else in your life that is as good then you just enhance your memories of what has gone. I think you probably need a new man to deal with this one - but do it on your terms and if it isn't going anywhere in 6 months or so take charge yourself and bring it to an end. Dating isn't just about finding a new permanant partner it is about having fun and boosting your self esteem too - in fact you can do that just by being friendly and flirting. It should get easier but if you really feel you are stuck mybe you are like the people who are bereaved and don't seem to be able to recover - if so perhaps a couple of counselling sessions might help you see the wood from the trees?

OK make a list of all the things you care passionately about (that don;t involve romance or couplehood) or ar fascinated by or have always wanted to know more about. Then pick two or three to have a go at, whether it's travel, campaigning on particular issues or learning to play the piano, get stuck into something interesting and expressive in some way. There is so much more to life than worrying about couplehood, and though it's miserable to be dumped by someone, the only way to get over it is to accept and move on; avoid the person if need be by being too busy as much as possible.

I ended my relationship because of his jealousy/insecurity which was having a very negative impact on my relationships with family and friends. We were together for almost 3 years. Towards the end I couldn't move for him and I became very resentful of a situation I had largely ignored because I loved him so very much.

He moved out 6 weeks ago (not long I know) but our longest split to date. We parted prior to this but I caved in after only 10 days without him! Unfortunately after firm reassurances from him to change his ways, the 'old him' returned and although he did try, it wasn't enough.

However, I am still in the same position you are (albeit for different reasons) of loving him and not feeling able to move on. I agree you cannot be just friends with someone you have loved and still do. I also know what you mean about the MN's who are happy to be rid. I wish I was...then there wouldn't be a problem!

The business of making a fresh start - friends, clubs, work, exercise, it's all good advice but for me it's a smokescreen until I get home and wallow...I'm pathetic too!

We have to believe that time is the only healer or another relationship but I like you find it inconceivable.

Talking does help though

Also to add, I'm sure wallowing isn't the way to go but it is a grieving process and takes time to recover from.

I'm in the unfortunate position (age 47)!! of never having been in this situation before. I wouldn't have understood it 3 years ago.

Empathy is needed, talking and working through it. What else is there?

I have a dinner invitation distraction tonight with my very well meaning friend who will do her utmost to understand me!

FF - thanks for explaining your situation and it really helps me to know you understand that it's so hard to "move on". Also for understanding that I'm not alone in knowing all the activities/social life with friends and family etc are just a pretence to get through another day. Feels like I'm empty inside and not connected to the real world, just faking it - maybe that's all I/we can do for now. Wish I could fast-forward another 6 months.

I'm sure it will be good for you to have dinner and chat with your friend tonight, but you'll still end up home alone with your thoughts in the early hours won't you? Sorry, that really wasn't meant to sound so depressing!

Last question - do you have any kind of contact with him at all now?

my ex dp left me 10 weeks ago, he is not a very nice man some of the time, but he can be charming and loving, and I miss him terribly, i cant let go even though he has thrown me away never mind let go, its hard today I am a wreck, tomorrow hopefully will be better, each day is different, but no i am finding it hard, so you are not on your own, although it feels like it. I am hoping by christmas I will be in a different place, but at the moment that seems a long way away. keep strong.

Flaminhell - It's all so sad and a waste of two people being OK together isn't it? - even though you mentioned some negatives. Do you want to share a bit more of your story (no pressure if it's too painful).

I'm dreading Christmas (the hurt may be a tiny bit easier but I don't think it will be gone in just 8 weeks time) so it's on with the happy face etc when inside I'll be thinking back to last year and how good it all was. I hope that by then I will have put all his things away on the basis of out of sight, out of mind - hey, who am I kidding

What do YOU do to keep distracted each day?

no help sorry but watching with interest
am going down the 'friends' route myself

Hi SDD - Dinner date over and home again with my thoughts. Had a lovely time but as you say, it's back to reality. I so wish I didn't feel like this EVERY day.

In answer to your question re contact...He has e mailed, sent texts and most recently actually picked up the phone to talk to me. It was all very upsetting as he was extremely tearful.

You would think I should be happy that he's remorseful but I'm having a hard job believing that years of controlling behaviour can be rectified in a matter of weeks (he says he's been having intense private counselling) therefore am not bending under this pressure - have heard it all before. I just wish the nasty side of him didn't exist.

I too would like to fast-forward another 6 months and meantime, hope for a 'lightbulb moment' that tells me to move on and stop remembering the good times. It's easier said than done though isn't it?

Hi sdd, well it wasnt a great relationship really, but for every bad time there was a lot more good, he was verbally a bully, he could be violent, and he was the most bad tempered bastatrd I had ever met, but for some reason I am mortified, and I just can not seem to let go. I see him once a week he picks up our dd and drops her off, and these last few weeks I have been having panic attacks, I just can not rest or keep calm, my head is dull, and feels as if its constantly humming quietly so my thoughts arent clear, I love him, it wont go away that quickly for me, I had a family, no matter what happened I fought for that and now, hes gone, no explanation apart from very bogus ones, but really its the loss of my friend I think, thats the worst thing, my best friend and the person I had constant contact with and spoke to about my day, and the person I went to when something is wrong or I need reassurance, thats the loss that I feel the most. And of course my children have lost their father in their life everyday, he will have another family probably and leave them behind, all very depressing, I am well rid of him really, but its the initial shock and the reliving of my life and whats happened that is the worst.

Todays not a good day, so I may seem more dramatic than usual, I am though going to start leaving my dd at my mums so he can pick her up from there and drop her off, so I have a chance of getting over him, everytime I have a good few days the weekend comes and Im back at the beginning again.

Hello Flamin and thanks for the background info. It's obviously harder to put the emotions to one side when you have to keep in touch for your daughter's sake and I really don't know how you can do that apart from (as you're doing) stuff like taking DD to your mum, to minimise contact. I guess you have to talk practical arrangements too, so wish you well and it's definitely not easy.

Flashfried - so how was the weekend? Are you still torn apart by his contacts and being upset? It's unfair pressure on you and I guess prevents clear thinking.

In my case there was no verbal or physical abuse or classic "bad" behaviour, just the totally out of the blue distancing and then disappearance. Obviously something is behind this and he should have talked/explained instead of walking away. I know I've been treated badly, so why is it so painful to accept this?

At the moment I'm feeling that if it's all been an elaborate deception then where do I go with all the "good" stuff that seemed to happen naturally? I want to keep those memories and reach the neutral stage, not get twisted up and hateful.

Or does anyone this is in an unrealistic goal and I should simply get angry and use that to get through?

Hi SDD - I got through the weekend and the mist has lifted a little...I think.

Have realised he is still very manipulative, although in a more subtle way, even though we are not together. This I don't like.

Told him I was away this week for a day or two and he managed to show his disapproval very well. This is the 'him' I get angry about...the jealous person and this is when I am able to get angry with him and YES, it is easier to bear if you get angry!

But still wobbly at times too

I identify too with your point about it feeling like an elaborate deception. Was it for real?

Oh how to reach that, 'I don't give him a second thought these days' phase???

Hello i've just found this thread... I've just split up with a man and we were in a Long Distance Relationship, opposite sides of the country, for 18 months. At first it was wonderful. I have raised my teenager alone for 14 years so was used to my own space. Seemed great for me... He worked abroad with his job at times too, but he always seemed to email or phone. (Should I mention he was legally separated from his marriage of 12 years)?? Anyway about a year ago, I found out he'd lied about where he was, I lost trust in him.. (been there several times before with others you see)... He wanted it to continue and said he'd understand when I 'wobbled' over this. Well to cut the story short, even though we continued to speak on the phone daily and catch a couple of weekends a month, he seemed to back off. I think it was because I wobbled at times.... I would email and send cards, but I kept hearing "I'm too busy to text back when you text, too busy to put my computer on to email.. to busy to stay another day".. I never knew some of the time what was making him so busy... Anyway we've split now after me asking him for a few emails of loving words a week, to make up for not being together. He said he loved me all the time btw and when we got together it was good... I'm heartbroken and as you ladies do, keep thinking of good times and wishing to fast forward to the "Oh, I haven't thought of him today" feeling... I'm 43 now having tried a few relationships since my divorce 15 years ago, wonder if I'm ever going to meet the right one for me... Not looking forward to Christmas, but will obviously put the brave face on for my daughter. Best wishes to you all...

ooo... for what it's worth, i actually divorced 13 years ago, after I had my daughter!