I need a pep talk as I am being very silly......

[SprocketAndTubbs]

I have been more or less single since my son was born 6 years ago, but after much talking to by my friends, I joined a dating agency and was very excited to meet a lovely man.

He is a single dad and has a little boy of 5. After much e-mailing and texting we finally met up a few weeks ago. We were both terrified about seeing each other in real life, but we quickly overcame that and ended up chatting as if we had known each other for years. Rather embarrasingly, we both struggle with finding child care, so both boys came along too and got on fantastically well. (Sadly I think I may have caught a glimpse of what it may be like to be part of a little family and realised how much I have always wanted this).

To cut a long story short, we have continued to text and phone each other, although if I am honest, it now tends to be me that texts or calls first (we speak every couple of days). I have asked him if it's o.k to still contact him and he answers me as if I have asked a silly question, i.e. 'Of course you can?!' and he always texts straight back or returns my calls, so I thought he may be interested, which quite frankly I was really happy about, as I think he is lovely!!

He told me that he was still occasionally checking the dating website but was only ever on for five minutes a night and that as soon as his membership expired he would call it a day.

Last night I was working on my laptop and signed into the website for the first time in a while. I noticed that he was online and didn't think anything of it, however 2 hours later he was still online and tonight he has been logged on for 1.5 hours.

I am the first person to admit that I have been a complete stalker by checking up on him and my only excuse is that I was so weary of being hurt or cheated on again. I text him tonight to say hello and he responded immediately with lots of nice words, etc. while still being online on the dating website).

I am so gutted as I thought that he was a genuine guy. I also feel soooo pathetic, as I have only known him 2 months and there are so many other MNetters who have been much stronger than me in much worse circumstances than only knowing somebody for a short space of time.

So please, give me a pep talk and tell me to pull myself together. I have deleted his number from my phone, next time he can be the one to contact me first. He was so lovely, the whole package, not perfect, but perfect for me?

I know I have no right to be looking him up so early into getting to know him, but I got sucked in and have been proved right? What is there to do on a dating website for 2 hours anyway? How many other ladies must he be in contact with?!

Thank you for reading. I hate feeling sorry for myself but good men are very hard to find here!!

Morning ladies

Well just thought I would post to let you all know that I have completely ruined everything.

Yesterday late morning I sent him a text - just a one liner to ask if he fancied doing anything today, as he had told me that he would be free. I didn't hear anything back all day.

Woke up (early) this morning and saw he was already on Match. checked back and he had logged off, checked back about 3 hours later and he was back on again. He hadn't text back and to be honest, I jumped to the conclusion that if he had time to log on to Match, then he could have found the time to drop me a one liner to say he was busy / not interested / etc. I got a bit indignant about this (had no right to) and sent the following textual flounce / Hurrumph: (big mistake):

'Hello, I was going to ask if you'd like to do anything with me this weekend, but I get the impression that you're not interested in me, plus everytime I log into Match, you're online. I thought we had lots in common and got on well. Good luck with all your future plans and thank you for spending the time with me that you did, as I really enjoyed the time we spent together. x x'

I know, I know, sad and desperate, but I just needed to know where I stood (if it wasn't obvious already!)

Immediately got the following reply back: 'I was canoeing yesterday, sailing today and playing football tomorrow. The only reason I log onto Match is to read messages, nothing else, not that I have to explain myself. bye.'

So there you have it. I am so gutted and sad that I have ruined the possibility of the first time of me being happy with somebody in years. I know I have been stupid. The only thing I can say in my defence is that I have had a rotten time with men in the past and it's so hard for me not to be paranoid / trust people and be over cautious / suspicious of anybody who shows me any kindness. I have a self destruct button that I press everytime anybody seems to want to get closer.

Just wanted to thank everybody for all your fab and useful posts this week. Have to go out for the day with DS now, but will check back later.

Sprocket x

No no Sprocket! You have not ruined anything, as there was nothing to ruin. He wasn't chasing you at all, he was doing bog-all to show you he liked you. In fact, what you did was good because it ended this half-hearted, wishy-washy nothingness.

Really he sounds vvvv cocky in that message. "Not that I have to explain myself" please, what a turd. If he's gorgeous, he probably gets shedloads of messages from women hurling themselves at him (no, stop it, you didn't hurl yourself at him) and it's obviously doing his supersized ego the world of good.

I hope you're not currently neck-deep in wine, convincing yourself you've just sabotagued the only relationship that Fate had lined up for you in the next 20 years as that is SO NOT THE CASE. He was stringing you along, not replying to invitations, logging onto Match all day and generally acting like a twunty-twunt. Your fears were justified, you are not self-destructive, you have SELF-RESPECT and didn't stand for being messed about. Good for you!

Now forget all about Mr Cockypants and find someone nice with a more bite-sized ego.

so does he dive out the canoe, into his boat then straight onto a footy pitch, he wont need to stop to eat, sleep, take a shit or any of the other daily stuff where you chill out for 5 mins and catch up on your calls.... but why.... my my... he has time to find a bloody computer, log on and read to bloody full email... yet no time for a text.

utter bollocks he's not had time to reply. it only takes about 3 secs to send a text saying "cant i'm busy".

he's a toad. send him back. no chance of him transforming into prince charming i'm afraid.

Also, you wouldn't have been happy with him. You didn't trust him and were essentially checking up on him before you were even part a couple, what chance did you have as a couple?

look fwiw I don't think you are at all stalkerish or needy - I think it's perfectly normal to want to know where you stand
I met someone through match and we emailed a while before we met
we got on really well but I noticed he was still online (and yes, I was checking up - internet dating was new to me and I didn't want to end up with one of the 'sweetie shop' boys)
I asked him face to face and luckily he felt the same way so we ended up going out for quite a while
you don't have to apologise for asking what their relationship plans are! internet dating is a bit businesslike I know, but if like me you've wasted time on rubbish exs you end up losing your inhibitions about saying what you want
and this blokey sounds a right arrogant Iron John, what's he up to tomorrow, climbing Everest while playing one handed badminton? (he is prob v good at one handed badminton)

Wow, thank you so much for all your responses!!

Yes, he sounds a bit like the Milk Tray man (if you remember the 80's?!) doesn't he!! I can vouch for him that he is very sporty and has two very physical jobs too (one of which involves a uniform). (Tempted to be cliched and swooon at this point, but will hold it together!!)

Don't know what has come over me since my sorry-for-myself-post on Saturday, but I have gone all 'girl power'!! and thought 'sod him'. It's mad that he can manage to find the time to log in to Match so often, yet he can't manage to text a one liner, so I decided to face the facts and move on.

I'm glad things didn't go any further as he would have really hurt me if I had grown any more attached to him and although I feel a little sad about not hearing from him, I don't have any urges to do any checking up on him anymore, so clearly any relationship would not have worked if we had moved forward.

Anyway, he should be gutted that he's missing out on me - I'm not too bad in RL , I'm independant, usually mentally stable, fairly attractive and have an o.k figure (if I wear black and you squint!!) , plus friendly and not to mention hilariously funny of course!!

Any other lady is welcome to get to know him better, but I have learned that I am one of these people that likes to know where I stand. I thought that internet would sort the wheat from the chaff, i.e. be a fast track to meet people who didn't want to faff about when it comes to starting a relationship, but I wish him lots of luck with his plans.

ninah - believe it or not, he's also into Mountain Rescue , so the chances are he could be climbing Everest soon!!

• Makes you wonder if somebody that 'amazing' can be single, is there any hope for the rest of us?!!

Thank you for all your wise words x

Awwww, so glad you sound so much better! Feisty and fabulous!!!!! Look out, men on Match, Sprocket's regained her mojo...

Was he a fireman? If so, I will join you in a virtual swoonfest. He sounds like a male Angelina Jolie. That would have been a right headfuck long term. Can you imagine the pressure? "Wake up darling Sprocket, it's 4am, time for our flying lesson then absailing weekend". Ugh.

Sprocket / anyone else!!! It's complicated but I could do with "checking" out an online dating guy but I am hopeless with technology and could do with some help ..... first of all Friends Reunited Dating - if you search under their "member name" then get to see if they are/have been online recently, does this show up at their end? i.e. could he see I've looked?

Secondly, Facebook (and I'm really not very good at this) - the number of friends shown does not match the number of friend's profiles. Is it possible to keep certain friends out of the public eye?

Sorry if this comes across with shades of serial stalker or some slightly deranged bunny boiler, I'm not I promise! Just don't want to be fooled by internet dating etc yet again

Sprocket - what an arse he is! No time to reply to messages from a person he has met - but plenty to check messages from virtual people - maybe he has met them too? You are well rid - he does sound v. cocky. You sound totally normal though and sensible and honest and I'm sure you'll find someone, hopefully as soon as is best for you. It's so easy to become addicted and stalkerish with any website (Mumsnet even!) so don't beat yourself up - you are on a forum with a bunch of like-minded people and these people on Mumsent are much more honest than your twatty match.com cocky guy - and you are one of them (Mumsnetter that is)...

Hang on a minute - I thought he had problems finding childcare! How come he could fit in all that sport with his son in tow?

Sorry, should have explained that his son goes to stay with his mum (his ExW) every other weekend and his brother takes him when Mr Match (can't think of what else to call him, as he's not my ExP or anything) works at his second job.

EastMids2 - I'm not too sure about how Friends Reunited dating works, but with Match, if you know their username, you can search for them under that, which brings their profile up straight away and you don't have to log in for this. (There's a counter that they see when they log in), but they can't see who has viewed them.

If you log into Match, then they can see that you have viewed them. Also, the 'see who's viewed me' service is only available to people who pay to use the site. (So they may still not know if you've seen them if they don't subscribe).

If somebody's on the Friends Reunited dating site, they may be using another site too? IME, men aren't extremely imaginative and tend to use the same or similar username on each site they are on.

As for Facebook, I know it is possible for people to hide their profiles - I think it's all under security settings and who the individual chooses to see their profile - think there is a box you can tick if you only want your friends to see you.

To find out if somebody has 'hidden' friends, click on their profile, scroll down on the left hand side, there is usually a box showing 6 or so friends and at the top of this box will be * friends (however many friends they have). If you then click on the 'see all' button, (which is alongside * friends button), it will display a list of their friends. At the top of the list will be the total number of friends they have. If this number is less than the number of friends on their profile page, then some of their friends could be 'hidden', i.e. only wanting their friends to see they are on FB, so if you are not their friend, you won't be able to find them.

Hope this makes sense and that you haven't nodded off after all that!!

Gosh, have well and truly confused myself with my last post - it sounded right in my head! (sorry!)

online shopping does have its drawbacks

sprocket sorry that you have learnt about the downside of online dating the hard way
do hop on the fit thread on lone parents,ninah,juicy and myself are all regulars and it's been is a great help/support to us singles with dcs doing the whole dating malarkey again
eastmids-re frd iirc you can log into your user profile bit and you'll see a list of boxes to tick etc,this can hide you from letting others know that youve stalked looked at them!and also disguises the fact that you're online.
hope for your sake it doesnt involve any of my dregs exs
HTH
see you soon on t'other thread sprockets