My life is a mess

[sorrysausage]

I don't really know where to start but i'd be grateful for some clear thinking mn advice (I'm feeling really wobbly today tho so pls be kind). I am married with two ds. I accidently got pregnant after only being together four months, eldest ds is now 9. Throughout the pregnancy he would regularly make me cry and say that he would leave me (i think this was a way of pushing me to say don't go - he was a bit insecure). Now several years in i'm desperately unhappy. He really hates the house being messy and has an awful temper. He once pushed me round the living room while i was holding my ds (aged 2) and i was saying stop it you're scaring me but he still carried on. That was a couple of years ago and he was having serious work problems. He has a drink problem (or at least i think he has - he doesn't). He drinks probably 27 out of 30 days. His 'normal' amount is 2 to 3 bottles of cider (beer size bottles) followed by a bottle of wine or tho' sometimes to be fair to him it might be slighty less. But i hate the way that if i ask him not to drink or if i don't want to drink with him he makes me feel like i'm boring or a party pooper. I discovered he was sending intimate emails to a female colleague and since then i have lost all respect for him. He swears nothing happened and never would've but I really don't actually believe him. He works away a lot and I'm always relieved when he goes because we can all relax and I would rather have the kids playing with their toys and making a mess than just sitting in front of the tv which is his preferred 'spending quality time with the kids'. I'm making him sound like a complete w*** and I know that if he would read it he would dispute most of the things i'd written and also be really hurt - and everything he'd say in his defence i'd probably agree with - which makes me not understand why or how i feel like i do. I'm so confused. I don't work, he kept on at me to give it up because the money i made didn't make a difference and because i wasn't enjoying it (he would say that he was simply being supportive - so who's right?). I know deep down in my heart that it's probably not going to get any better - but i couldn't face telling my boys that it was all over. Is it possible to salvage anything from this mess?

relate counselling ?

If not - then it really does sound like you want to call it a day.

Sorry sausage, I do feel for you, I can see that you are hurting and would like to be able to help. I will try to offer advise ....
Funny your comments about him making you feel you are 'boring' or 'party pooper' - in my experience drinkers often do this...I dont know if its a coping strategy to sort of justify it to themselves. Actually the one who is being boring is him ....its no fun talking to someone who is permanantly a little 'out of it'
I am sure a lot of your problems are to do with his drinking and if he wont admit to having a problem then its even harder. maybe you could plan a joint ' diet' or something and get him to try to abstain for a week on a week off in the name of calorie control. Might draw his attention to how much he needs it!

Do you think you still love him.... thats the most important question and one you need to view objectively. Not ' do you want him around for the boys?' but ' do you want him around for you?'

Talking and communication is the ( cliched) but only answer to your problem. Telling him calmly that you are not happy or maybe to keep him chilled asking him if he is happy? Say you are not sure he is?

Working at a relationship can bring it back from rocky and hopeless to full blown romance...you just have to both be up to a lot of soul searching to see if thats what you BOTH want!

Treat yourself ...keep smiling ( if possible) and think hard about what you want before you act.

Let me know
x

thanks for the replies. i don't think i do love him anymore, if i ever did, as awful as that sounds. What's even worse is that he probably doesn't even think anything is wrong. He has told me that what i'm feeling isn't valid so many times when i have tried to tell him how i feel over the years that i don't bother saying anything to him anymore - i'm just building it all up inside me until now i am so full of resentment that i just want to explode. I have tried the old 'I'm worried about my drinking could we have a week without alcohol because i find it hard not to drink when you are'. It doesn't work and starts an argument about how uptight I am because everyone drinks. Does anyone else have a relationship that sounds like this? I feel so weak and that i should stand my ground when he's trying to persuade me to do things. But over the years any decision over anything whether it's a trip to the shops where i've brought the wrong things to more major decisions i always now get him to make the decisions because mine are always wrong. I'm crying now because i feel so desperate.

I think you are on the right path now Sausage. Dont feel despairing. you know that this person who cannot make a deciision and has no confidence is not the real you just what dh has made you become. you see that its him at fault and not you and I think you are maybe looking for affirmation that you could be happier and more confident without him. Dont hang on for the sake of the boys because they wont be made happy by a miseable Mum.....
Maybe you could try a trial separation...sounds silly but it may either kick start dh by making him realise that ACTUALLY you do mean it. Or - and more importantly- give you the courage to jump- if that is what you find you want.
Is there any where you and the boys could go / or maybe you could ask him to go to his Mum and Dads if they are amenable?
Thinking of you M

Hi Sausage,

I have read your message and am very sorry its like this.

TBH if he does not think he has a drink problem then no one will persuade him otherwise. He may well have to lose absolutely everything and even that may not be enough for him to give up drinking. Have you considered speaking to Al-anon - they can help with families of problem drinkers (it certainly appears from your writings he has long standing alcoholism problems). His primary relationship is with drink; everything else comes a poor second.

I think you have been ground down and controlled by him for so long it is no small wonder you are confused.

The part that really struck me about your message was the part of the sentence which read, "I'm making him sound like a complete w* and I know that if he would read it he would dispute most of the things i'd written (My comment - how and why would he dispute such behaviour; would he blame you?) and also be really hurt (why?) - and everything he'd say in his defence I'd probably agree with" - this to me smacks of his total domineering and control over you over the past few years.

Blaming you for all this is a way of absolving him of all responsibility for his actions.

On a wider level what is all this teaching you boys?. That it is okay for their Mummy - who loves them dearly - to be treated like rubbish by their Dad?. They learn about relationships from their parents; they are learning about relationships first and foremost from you two.

Would also suggest you contact Relate and attend their sessions on your own. I say this as I would think your DH would be totally against going.

I wish you well

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF

Tel: 020 7403 0888

Thank you all for your thoughts and for the Al-Anon details Meerkats - I will call them when I am able. I really appreciate the time you have taken to reply. It is so hard when you are stuck in the middle of things to see clearly what is happening. It has only really become apparent to me over the last month, not that it's never going to change, but that I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS. I know it will take me some time to get the strength to leave - but I feel that this has been the first step. I have never admitted to anyone before what he is really like. What worries me is that if we split up and he has access to the boys that he will just drink all afternoon and get cross and shout at them. At least while we are together I can cushion them from it (him) to a certain extent. I will post more when I have made a bit more progess but thanks again xx

Just to say that i really feel for you and it sounds dreadful for your sons. Also a bit worrying that you feel that by staying you can 'cushion' your boys. That is not a reason for staying and furthermore, you can't live by constantly being the one who appeases,smooths and pours oil on troubled waters. Your nerves will be shot.

He sounds like a selfish sod. You and your babies deserve better.

SorrySausage, hi - just read this and wondering how you are..? You sound a lot like a good friend of mine - lovely, whilst her DH is also a bully who drinks too much and undermines her.
I really hope you're feeling a little stronger.