Please help, I need your help...

[myweestars]

I've only posted here once before but am a regular reader, I really need some advice, not sure where to start!

My dp and I have been together years and have always had a rocky relationship. We have 2 beautiful boys, aged 3 and 1.

Over the years, my DP has lifted his hands to me, nothing major but enough is enough. I have slowly been shutting him out and this is why he is so aggressive and verbally abuses me.

I am constantly shattered, I work 3 days per week and our youngest DS is a really bad sleeper, hence the reason I am constantly shattered. At night when he eventually goes to sleep, I just want to go to bed as I know he will be wakening again soon. y dp wants loving etc, I can't be bothered and to be honest I think the reason is, is that I don't love him anymore.

The final straw was yesterday morning when he grabbed me round the throat and threw me on to our bed in front of our sons. I ran out and was so close to going to the police. The reason he does things like this is because I won't talk to him, havetime for him etc etc and if I'm honest, I've not but I just feel we would be both happier on our own.

It scares me though, it breaks my heart to sell the house. How would I manage on my own? Could we sell and then I rent back the house? I've heard of things like that. How would my sones cope without their father, my oldest dotes on his dad.

Has anyone been through anything like this? What did you do?

I'm at work but will be able tosign back in later and read any comments. Your help would be appreciated.

It's a humiliating feeling to tell your friends and family what the real truth is, but ime people are amazingly supportive. Call Women's Aid and call the police for the record. Saying it all out loud even once makes it easier to say it the next time.

Thank you all for your support, it has really helped and I have taken the 1st steps in admiiting it to myself that it is not right to live like this. It just scares me and upsets me. He is refusing to move out, if he was any kind of man, he would move out and let us have some space.

Agreed, don't internalize his excuses for violence. It's not your fault.

Good luck with Women's Aid. I've been in a refuge and I found it fine.

As shop says, it's definitely worth talking to the police. Even if they don't take action, your complaint will be on file with them, which is useful in case of any future disputes about his access to the dc.

You can do this, myweestars.

Just wanted people to know I have taken the 1st steps, I have phoned a lawyer and have spoken to partner and he now knows I am serious about leaving. It is so hard though, he is telling me he still loves me, it will never the same being a part time dad. I am now feeling like crap and can't stop crying. Please tell me if I'm doing the right thing and if it will get better and I will stop crying! At work the now and cannot concentrate on anything. Would be so easy to go back and try again. How will the boys cope with their daddy not thera at night to bath them and put them to bed? How do I tell a 3 year old?

You will cope, so will your boys. You will in fact do more than cope - you will all thrive. Trust me. You ARE doing the right thing.

Have you phoned Womens Aid?

You are doing the right thing, it will get better, you will stop crying!

Recall the expression on his face when he last attacked you, did that look like love? Actions speak louder than words, talk really is cheap.

Recall the expression on your children's faces when he last attacked you, take strangth that you are ensuring they wont be subjected to this again. That really is worth all the bathtimes in the world.

Please call Women's Aid if you have not already.

Yes, you're doing the right thing! Don't let him manipulate you about him being separated from his children - it's up to him to make the effort to keep the relationship with them afterwards. It's definitely doable. I think my ex actually spends more time with DD since we've been apart than when we were together.

ONe more thing to consider, which hopefully will strengthen and inspire you.
You seem to feel that your partner is beating you because he is sexually frustrated and that is some justification. Well it isn;'t.
Any half-way decent man whose DW doesn't want sex will either try to resolve the issue by calmly talking about it, be patient, or indeed go elsewhere - the going elsewhere may not be great but it is NOT AS BAD AS USING FORCE! Your partner has a rapist mindset ie that because he wants sex he;s entitled to bully, beat and abuse you to get it.
As everyone else has said, document everything, let WA help you and get rid of him.

Thanks all again!

Will stop bubbling at my desk now!

Have tried WA twice but always on hold and then told to phone back later.....will get them though! Do you reckon speaking to them before a lawyer then?

I don't think you necessarily have to talk to WA before the lawyer. They might be able to recommend a good one, but www.resolution.org.uk also has a list of family-friendly solicitors. Don't let delays with WA derail the rest of your plans!

speak to the lawyer -doesnt matter who first.

"i love you" means I need you and i wnat to control you. is all about him.

he has been violent towards you. it is too late.

your children will be fine.

he can work on being a good if separated dad. is up to him.

my exP is so tied up still on how he cant be a separated dad that he is unable to function - but that is HIS problem.

"I have phoned a lawyer and have spoken to partner and he now knows I am serious about leaving"
I don't think it's necessarily a good idea to let him know your plans. You need to sort yourself out (mentally and logistically) without having him whining/manipulating/shouting at every step. Be careful what you tell him as you don't want it to backfire.

Yes - statistically, a woman faces the highest risk of physical violence when she's in the process of leaving or soon after she's left. You don't owe him this information. Your first priority is to keep yourself and your dc safe.

Another vote here for playing your cards close to your chest. He feels he is entitled to use force against you -- please don't think you owe him any information or courtesy of that nature at all. Plan your moves with your safety in mind and don't underestimate the danger you may be in. He has already crossed many lines that he shouldn't have.

Please read my thread, I still have my inner core xxx