can't live with him anymore

[kaylasmum]

I have been with my partner for over 3 years now, we have a 21 month old little girl and i have 3 other kids aged 20,19 and 13. The 13 and 20 year olds live us, my eldest moved back home 3 weeks ago. I need to leave my partner but don't know how to. Things have been bad between us for the last 2 years and i know that i just can't try anymore. My partner has an anger problem and i find his temper quite intimidating, he has never hit me but its always in the back of my mind that he might. When i try to talk to him about things he just starts to get angry.

I have been threatening to leave for a long time now and every time i have tried to leave he takes my little girl out of my arms and obviously i won't go without her. He told me last night that he would change the locks on the house and sell my belongings when i am out. This morning when he was taking me to the nursery with our daughter he started to drive on the wrong side of the road and then he started to drive really fast which scares me especially with our daughter in the car. This was all just because i told him that i can't go on like this anymore.

I have no security as the house is in his name. I will try the council but i am sure they won't be able to offer me anything in the foreseeable future, my only other option is private renting and i am not sure that i will be able to afford that. I feel trapped. I also suffer from PND and at the moment i am finding it so difficult to hold myself together, in fact i had a breakdown at work last week after one of our arguements. I just want to be happy.

Hi Kaylasmum,

Your post really moved me. You seem like someone who loves her family and U are being forced to make desicions that U really would rather not make. It would seem to me as well that he is using your little girl and the house against you. It's almost as though he is saying you're nothing without him.

Maybe leaving is not the solution. Try talking with him on a serious note. But just you and him (no children). Go somewhere else if you have to.

Failing that, could you not go away for a day or 2 to a friends house. Give him some time to think about things and show him how badly this is all affecting you.

Does he know anything about PND? Would it be an idea for the both of you to see a counsellor?

I really hope that it all works out for you.

Love,

Bami

kaylasmum... he sounds very dangerous.. especially driving on the wrong side of the road, and with your DD in the car too!!!

The council (i am sure) will find you emergency housing if you were to leave. This may only be B&B to start with... but I would imagine you;'d be reasonably high priority on the housing list.

Are you worried about what would happen if you left>? Would he follow? is he likely to be violent?

have you got no-one who could help you to get your stuff out whilst he is out or at work?

you could get emergency housing. my friend was given an awfulk flat temporarliy but it got her away from the pyscho

thank you all for your replies and concern,

Bamik - I have tried talking to him when we are alone but it always seems to end up in an arguement and then things start to get out of hand, i can honestly say that i hate him when he starts behaving in an aggressive way and even when we are not arguing i find it hard to feel any affection for him at all. If i had anywhere to go for a few days then i certainly would, but unfortunately thats not an option.

He knows about my PND but i don't think he really understands or really cares.

Starlover - as far my partner is concerned he was'nt taking any chances in his erratic driving, but thats part of the problem he does'nt accept that he is doing anything wrong. I'm really not sure if he would follow me if i left but i do worry that he would make things very difficult for me. He has never been violent towards me but he has kicked a hole in a door and thrown things around, he has on a couple of occassions pulled his fist back as if he was going to hit me, he like to scare me.

Fio2 - i have no-one to help me to move my things out. I am really worried about being given a horrible place to live. I will have to rent privately if i want to move soon, i can't stand the thought of being put into the hostel.

Thanks again for your words of advice.

my cousin was in a relationship like this and i never told her to go as i thought it wasn't really my business, then he nearly killed her- thats not to scare you just to say that if you feel frightened- that is wrong and if you want to go then do, use the samaritans phone line or similar if you need advice / support to help you to find the organisations who would help you leave and help you financially. there are groups around who could help you. do you have any family or friends who can support you? please, if you feel frightened or in danger , then leave. i know it is easy for me to say so i hope you do find help.... take care of yourself xx

hi toria,

i do fear my partner a little, i am unsure if he would actually harm me but obviously i don't to wait around and find out but i don't know what to do, i feel unbelievably trapped. It saddens me a great deal the thought of my little girl not having her father around and i think that is one of the main reasons that i have put up with it for so long. I know i am quite a strong person but with every arguement that we have i feel weaker. He refuses to take responsibility for his behaviour and denies that he is doing anything wrong, he says i nag too much. Its got to the point that i am questioning myself as to whether it is actually me making a fuss over nothing and maybe i should just keep quiet when he does or says something to upset me. I feel my situation is getting more and more desperate all the time and i am very worried about the future of kids and myself.

From personal experience situations like this can get pretty confusing and you end up not knowing who's in the wrong. Also most guys can become agressive when pushed to their limits and if they find it hard to express themselves, im not saying you are wrong just that perhaps you have the power to turn his negative behaviour around by trying really hard to ignore his comments and threats and stay clear of potential arguments. If you do this for a week and nothing changes then id seriously consider planning your new future. Talking again from experience, as an only child of divorced parents at 5yo, your daughter will understand your decision eventually, it wont be easy, but everyone deals with the situations they find themselves in. If you leave you will also be doing her a favour!