Oh God, H being such a twunt I really don't know what to do. Feeling a bit desperate. Please help.

[toftr]

I'm a regular (too regular!) on here but have namechanged to avoid being tracked, hopefully you'll recognise but not out me.

H and I have finally split after many years of marriage, the last year being hellish, with plenty of neglect, emotional abuse and an OW. Now I'm trying to sort things out and plan a future for me and the dc's. H seems to be doing his utmost to manipulate me into doing what he wants - moving near his work (hundreds of miles away from family)and is saying that this is the only way he will give me any support with the dc's, who are still very young and one of whom has some mild SN.

If I do what I planned, and move nearer my own family he says he will not see the dc's more than once a month, so I won't get any time to myself, and even may change jobs to affect my maintenance levels. Much as I hate to give in to his bullying, I worry that he is nasty enough to carry out his threats, and the dc's will not know their father. I really can't believe the man I married is behaving like this, but it's real and I can't stop shaking and crying with stress today. Any advice welcome.

I think he is being incredibly controlling and manipulative.

I suggest you look into having mediation with him so that you can work through the divorce, visiting rights, maintenance, etc., and hopefully that way it will have to be open and transparent, rather than one solicitor writing to the other making demands.

Good luck, it sounds bloody awful for you.

no, you are not greedy to want some happiness for yourself

its just that he is not going to enable you to do that

and if you carry on letting him control and manipulate you, then that process (of finding some peace of mind, moving on etc) will be seriously hindered

bite the bullet

ps. sorry about the "going on the pull comment", I didn't mean to be nasty

He is no loss to the DCs as a father. They are much better off not knowing him. As for the maintenance amount, that's not up to him to decide. That is a matter for the court. Don't let him run you over. He has responsibilities whether he likes to think about that or not. Your family are the ones you can count on. Make the break and don't look back. My guess is your ex will soon find someone else to torment when you're no longer available.

Have you a solicitor? Squeeze him as much as you can for all the money that's due to you. You are not greedy, you are entitled to it by law.

Scary, no worries, I didn't read it as you being nasty, just blunt, which is fine!

dittany, you're spot on. Giving up the dream is so hard. He wasn't always like this, in the 10 plus years we've been together he's been kind and loving for the vast majority of the time, the selfish streak was there but I kept it tempered. However, the last couple of years have been hellish and that's coloured the whole relationship. Once the trust was broken, it all started crumbling. It's been like some extreme midlife crisis has caused a personality transformation.

I potentially have an amazing solicitor, which I'm lucky that my parents are able and willing to fund if needed as she doesn't come cheap. I'm going to meet her and discuss it all properly next week. She thinks that given my circumstances I should be able to get a good level of support so finances shouldn't be too much of a worry. I do plan on returning to work as soon as it's practical and not detrimental to the dc's.

I do have faith it will work out, it's just getting through this shitty bit first..!

Once you are through the "shitty bit" you can and you will find time to start to have a life again. You will find babysitters (family and otherwise) you can rely on, and you will be free of the stress of worrying about what H will do next.

If you stayed, there is no way he would allow you to move on and get a life. Imagine if you planned to go out with friends for the evening. What would be the chances that he would turn up, look after the DC, not manufacture some crisis which would interrupt your evening, and not give you a hard time when he brought the DC back?

Slim to none? Thought so. You absolutely and completely deserve to be able to move on and get a life again, and that is one of the key reasons why you need to be close to family and away from H.

i think iklboo has is spot on in the second post.

do not speak to him. refer him to the solicitor.

get hard now.

I too think your H is being exceptionally manipulative. He should be telling you to do what is best for you, and he will fit in around you, i mean he has made a great mess and has ALOT to make up for!

I do know that althought my H has been a complete shit, at the end of the day he wants me to be happy, and if that means moving to be nearer family he wouldn't try to stop me by threatening not to see his DD.

Get the good solicitor and make sure you get what you deserve.

As for meeting someone else, i think you are quite young like me, so plenty of time for that. But i agree it is very bewildering, the whole dating game, and i'm not sure how i would go about it either!

I know who you are as well. Everyone has given you fab advice.

All I can say is try to see what is is up to from his viewpoint - what I mean is if you got inside his head you would see that he is trying to get you to move closer to him to purely in order to maintain control and have everything on his terms, not to help you or support you. He will make sure that you are unable to move on with your life. He will drop arrangements to have the kids so that your plans are fucked up, he will look after them only if and when it suits him. If you continue to submit to his control you will never get a career a life of your own or happiness with someone else.

You never know what opportunities might be waiting for you in your new independent life. You will never know if you do what he wants.

DON'T be on the back foot You can set the terms.

AND please!! please do not be sobbing down the phone to him!! You might as well write "I am weak you are the boss" across your forehead. Sob later when he won't know about it. You sob, he wins!

I know, I hear that about the sobbing thing, I'm normally really together but I think a hormonal surge must have got to me in the past 24 hours. I've just felt crap and uncertain about everything. I think a good night's sleep will help.

Managed to talk to him far more rationally today, and am seeing family soon so can go over it all then. I've decided the best thing is not to rush or be pushed into anything. He's barely at home, so it's not as if there's an uneasy environment here, and the dc's are very settled where they are until I can get everything in place and am ready to move. On the other hand, if things suddenly get worse, I could be out in a couple of days.

good. You WILL get out the other side of this. Don't let the bastard grind you down.

What Mrsboogie says is important -- you have to stop seeing him as any kind of support for you, except potentially in the financial sense. And you owe him nothing for this support. He is obliged to help feed his children and he owes you for the years you've wasted on the relationship. But cut those emotional ties. Always assume that his only motivation is what's in it for him, and try to work towards having some o that attitude yourself, repulsive and against your nature though it may be. Assume that since he is not for you he is against you and proceed accordingly.

As you know, I think you should move nearer to your family and never look back. This man is a bully and will want to control you if you ever give in to his wishes. NEVER think he's got your best interests at heart. It's so understandable to have a wobble and remember what he used to be like, but that man has gone.

In a year's time, when you are safely ensconced in your new life with people around you who only want what's best for you, you will be so glad you did what's right for you.

I know who are are as well, lovely. Mrsboogie and everyone else have given you sterling advice, I can only echo them.
It WILL get easier, you WILL grow stronger and one day you will realize how little his bullying, scheming tactics are getting to you. He may never change, but I promise you there will be a day when you simply don't give a toss. Hold out for that day Keep planning, keep thinking, delay answering if you feel a weak blurt coming on. Pull back, detach and then move away. You're great, you have already come so far and I can see you being happy in the future, with family and friends around you and so much support and love.

thankyou everyone, I'm pleased to report the wobbles have gone and the decision has definitely been made to move towards family. Am going to start ball rolling next week. My friends were really vocal about their opinion too, and I'm glad that everyone feels so strongly, and exactly the same as it reassures me that I'm not doing anything wrong in putting myself and the dc's first here. I'm going to carry on as if I'm not getting H's support, and if he does see the dc's I'll see it as a bonus.

I now plan to use the best solicitor possible to get maximum financial support. He's a high earner with plans to be a millionaire some day, so supporting us properly shouldn't put much of a dent in his income and should enable me to organise chilcare back-up too to give me some evenings to myself!

I feel so much better now it's decided.

Good for you. Have never been in this situation myself , so can only imagine how hard it is .....

Best of luck x

Don't give in to his bullying. If you do he'll use this one time and time again - as soon as you are settled he'll threaten to move away etc. Move near to your family where you will get genuine support and your children will have some stable influences in their lives. Stick to your guns and good luck - you will be happy again as long as you don't let him control your life.