DH and I have been together for about 10 years and married for 8. We have two wonderful DC, a lovely family home and both have good jobs. However, over the last four to six years (essentially since having the children) our relationship has gone from almost idyllic to almost over.
I have always had issues about DHs anger and the way he deals with it. In the early days of our relationship this anger was always directed at others and manifested itself in ways such as road rage. I?ve always shown that I disapproved of this behaviour and we always had occasional arguments over it but, essentially, I was prepared to put up with the occasional low point in order to enjoy the many positive aspects of being with him: he was funny, loving and caring and basically we had some really good times together. I was deeply in love with him and he with me.
When our DD came along he was a doting father and although he found the baby stage hard work (as did I) we had few qualms about having another child. So, DS arrived and he was even harder work and of course we also had a toddler to deal with. At this time we had a lot of problems mainly caused by lack of sleep for both of us as DS rarely slept more than a couple of hours in a row (I would deal with him as BF) and DH would get up with DD who had previously been sleeping through but was now being regularly woken by the baby. We were both struggling and I felt at the time that DH was finding things exceptionally hard and that he was possibly suffering from some form of PND. I can remember saying to him that he needed help but that I just wasn?t in a position to offer it ? I still feel bad about that in some ways but I just had no emotional resources left at that time to devote to him. He didn?t seek any outside help.
At around this time his anger started to be directed towards me and the family always shouting and carrying on in what I think of as a very childish manner. One trait that really sticks in my mind and carries on to this day is that he hates to hear any crying and will always shout at a crying child (maybe crying because they have already been shouted at) ? this makes them cry more which then makes him shout more. I just think ? why??
Anyway, we?re now in a place where all the previous positives of our relationship have essentially gone. He seems very unhappy virtually all the time ? punctuated by outbursts of anger whilst I am very sad at the state of our relationship and desperately trying to hold it together and make a happy home for the DC but really I feel like I?m fighting a losing battle.
I just think that unless he admits that his anger and shouting are a problem then we can?t resolve this but no matter how many times I try to talk to him about it he will not admit that he has a problem, will not apologise and will not agree to change. His defence is always along the lines of ?But you do it too...? or ?It?s your/the DCs fault for making me angry...? or ?You are trying to manipulate me with tears/sulking...?. In response to these I would say (although rarely do coherently as I?m normally crying by now) that although I do occasionally shout I do try not to and it is rare for me to lose my temper, I think he needs to take full responsibility for his own actions and not blame us and that although I?m not trying to manipulate with tears (I am embarrassingly unable to control them sometimes) I do resort to sulking/ignoring in the face of his anger as I hate confrontation but don?t want him to think that his behaviour is OK.
WWYD?