What i'm going to do now will be the very first time opening up truly to how and who I married and who after 30 years of marriage just who I have become.
Well in all honesty it was a blind date, a friend of a friend new this person ,very nice good sence of humour a really likeable sort of chap! From the very start even though we connected in different ways my inner core kept calling me that something was not right, but egnoring the butterflys i trudged further on, yes we did break up and get back together on quite a few occations.
The little things then were he would make arrangments with me then at the last min scoot off to as he would say something more important! leaving me a shell. years moved on we parted which i thought was the last time, then a call out of the blue even though i was then in a relationship with a really nice bloke i took the offer up and went out for dinner with him. what transpired after that and why he called me was he had a sexually transmited deasea and had to tell anyone who he had slept with within ten years, well i have kept that secret with me right up until now, my family loved him to bits and so i kept a profile up of lies to cover up my embarresment, and so as time moved on and with my mother saying work at it lovey he really is a nice chap, and the butterflys back in the pit of my stomache I did. We brought a house moved in, and then the fun really began but by then he had hooked me, he wrote a list of all the things for this relationship to work i must complie, for example, always make coffee for him and his family when the visit, to wash and iorn his shirts, always no matter what a cooked dinner everyday, never to question him, to love and like his family as they are important to him, this list went on and on and on i drew the line when he wanted me to swear on the bible.
He always took off even from work he would ring and say not coming home this weekend even when my eldest was born nine times out of ten he dissapeered leaving me without any money even for nappys, the child benifit then was in book form and every monday come rain or shine i used to walk miles to the post office to cash in a buy my son his much needed provistions, my weight then had dropped to under seven stone and i was pregnant with my second son . My husband didn't cook wash up clean do any gardening, infact didn't do anything other than go to work, have his hoildays, dissapier, watch football, we never had a joint bank account as he strongly believed it is his money, but always payed the mortgage and bills.
As time wore on I became a shell of my former self, the list kept getting longer the more i ticked off as learnt how to perfect his needs another thing would appear and so I endlessly walked on eggshells, the abusive pattern he endured on me, all centered around the clock, i had to make sure the house was spic and spam, children was asleep toys picked up and dinner cooked even at 9'oclock in the evenings, i can still see myself willing my little ones to go to sleep while i sat on the top stair crying watching the clock slowly creep round to the time he walked in.
I protected my sons with a blanket of love they were my salvation the nights i would pick one up and put us three together just to have the feeling of warmth and closeness and saftey i lost count, husband got jelious and so would put the boys in our bed and then moan at me the following day he was exausted because he didn't sleep again i was blamed and as the little ones grew he didn't
help with any homework or schooling but expected perfection, my nights became days and my days became nights.
I have a skill and trained nine years for it i have run companys and have run my own buisness, i started again working for myself when i new things had to start changeing for me and my boys, yes i became successful as time wore on , his lack of commitment as a father and husband put more pressure on me as i had two roles to preform as well as work and run a home but his needs always had to come first, eventually something had to give, i started drinking, he brought a bottle of whiskey home and poured me a drink and honestly it was like nector, he watched me drink it and poured me another , i remember us both smileing as if he had found a magic potion to help me, those two drinks took me on a downward spiral, and he new it, for 15 years i had to have a drink everday to help me tick over, he took money from the buisness, changed the benifit and put the moneys in his account, told callers i was asleep when i wasn't, found fault in all my friends and family, till eventually i became dependant on him totaly.
The only time I didn't drink was when he wasn't here, being alone while he took hoildays away two or three weeks at a time, went away weekends, even stayed at his brothers or sisters for christmas or new years i always felt like a weight had been lifted and never drank, the three of us always had more fun alone without him, the boys as they older noticed how he used to humiliate me infront of his friends and family, shout at me to make him look bigger and in control, played mind games with me and my sons when he was at home.
I used to think i was going mad as he always said i needed help, he would scream at me " why do i always keep doing this or that to hin" I remember always thinking to myself why do i always do it wrong, where do i always go wrong whats wrong with me, doeasn't matter what i do i can never make this man happy!
From 2001 to 2002 i lost three members of my family in ten months my parents and a nephew, i had to single handed handle every aspect a funeral needs not once but three times all three were buried in the same place same hole, when i crawled into bed with my father and told him to find my mum and my nephew while i cradled him to sleep my world fell apart, my grief started for three members of my family all in one hit.
My husband took full advantage, i had then started drinking alot more than i ever did, he would close doors on me and put bottles of wine and cigerettes in my room for me, i lost myself in grief. he then had full control, all his family took pity on him, for three years the abuse i suffered at his hands were unimaginable even my inheritance was put into his account i couldn't even begin to tell you what i sighned away.
My sons started to look apon me as a very sick woman, he had my sons now in his control and they because of my failings beleived everything that was said and saw.
I ended up alone confused and hurt from the inside out.
I woke one morning as if a cloud had lifted i layed there listening to birds singing outside my bedroom window the sun bounced from one wall to another as i watched silouettes danceing around the room. I got up showered washed my hair changed my cloths and walked downstairs to a very quite house, I wandered from room to room takeing in what i had so missed, made myself a cup of tea sat down lit a cigerette and dialed the doctors for the first time in ten years.
He took one look at me and said I new you would wake up and cuddled me, our family doctor new my parents me and my sons so well, what happened then after me crying in my hands ,standing nearly shouting, paceing his room then sitting again stareing blindly out my doctors window, i new i had to get my power back!
He wrte me percription for antidepressants but said you don't have to take them.... I walked out of there and held my head up high, i new though that what lies ahead is going to be more unhealthy and i did fear for my sanity.
He the husband through rages like i had never seen before, acted on more than one occation like two year old, demanded to know what tablets i'm on because who ever precribed them didn't no what he was doing and they were not strong enough!, and so after a few months of me giving into his whims wants and needs, i one winters morning heard a voice so deep within my own soul that i had never heard before, while he layed like a broken twig on the couch with his arm placed neatly across his forhead, moaning at me again. ............I walked into the kitchen picked up the box of pills walked back in and threw them at him with a voice straight out from the excorsist, I HAVEN'T TAKEN ANY YOU NARCSISTIC PEICE OF S..T.
Well this man had lied stealed borrowed over a seven year spat, and i was just waiting for him to trip up and he did that morning.
I compiled so much evidance against him as the following years and months rolled on, that to list everything on here and to be absoloutly frank with all of you that is reading this ,i have read nearly every single one of your lives and what you all have been abused by and i also have nodded at each thing you wrote and more.
Why am I still married, it,s simple, i took my vowles seriously, love honour and obey till death.
My sons even this weekend in coming home for sunday with there familys still see my scars not visable to everyone, and yes i still have to take myself off to my bedroom to escape the narcsisum sometimes if it,s only for a day, I know what I have here now and no as the books will tell you as they get older the chances of a cure is next to none for a NPD, I know I am an enabler I have let this person run and nearly distroy me and my sons, the three of us now talk about daily how we all are and there partners are coming to terms why sometimes my sons show signs of a detachment emionally towards them, my sons though are trying and do say mum why didn't you run away with us, that is something i will live with regret and will never can ever make up to my sons that i stayed with a man that even this weekend professed to us all that he never loved me only married me because i was pregnant, wants me to emionally detatch myself from him and just to be his friend.
Well i'm not his friend and yes iam emionally detched from him, and no i do not love him, my sons know all of this and will say to you all, if I can save another woman and mother going through what i have by telling my story, to have the courage and strenght from deep inside to run away as far as you can then DO IT please.
I made the most biggest mistake of my life I stayed all because i took my vowls seriously!
A mother and wife xxxxx