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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ok, practical advice - what would YOU do?

37 replies

costagirl · 19/10/2009 10:07

Am feeling really low today and haven't a clue what to do about this situation. Over the last 10 weekends, DH has been involved with his sporting hobby for 8 of them, meaning at least 1 day away from home. (He thinks it's absolutely fine to just spend one day of the weekend at home, and the other for himself.) He is away in Australia for 3 and a half weeks over Christmas, with his work, so I'm single Mum again then. Looked at the calendar last night, he has booked himself in for his sport EVERY single weekend through November - one day at home, the other away.
He has taken half term off work and we're going away.
BUT I am SO pissed off with his attitude that he can bugger off as much as he likes at weekends, whether I want to be "single Mum" or not. This has gone on for years and years - have been to Relate God knows how many times, he doesn't listen to them and they just look at him, appalled. Right at the moment I want nothing more to do with him. Have said I want to separate in the past, but he refuses to leave which means uprooting the DC (not fair.) I can't make him leave! He, btw, thinks everything is fine! He's a great Dad, and the kids adore him. It would break their hearts to take themn away. How do assert myself and say "stop taking the piss?"
I work part time, get a quick swim twice a week and even went out with friends last week! He's supportive if I want to do things - so long as it doesn't interfere with his friggin plans. What can I do?

OP posts:

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 19/10/2009 11:12

Ah well then that's different then I can totally see where you are coming from.

You are still going to have to negotiate on this, while you are away, speak to him about 2010. The fact that he's away over christmas ought to give you immense bargaining power. He needs to know that every other weekend is fine, every weekend is NOT.

Mind you, I'd not want a reluctant male around me at the weekends... ARggh, why does life have to be so bloody complicated?

mamas12 · 19/10/2009 11:39

Been thinking about you costa and I think it's a shame that you already are to all intents and purposes a single parent 'servicing' and enabling your husbands lifetstyle and it is grossly unfair on you your dcs and ultimately he will miss out big time becasue this situation is untenable.
You are right about crunch time.

Original poster

costagirl · 19/10/2009 11:43

Thanks for all your thoughts. It is a difficult one, and I don't want him home all the time, we'd drive each other mad! I love my swimming, and know it's important to both have outside interests. BUT it's a question of balance and respect - when he changes the 'agreement' to suit himself, regardless of how I feel, that's when there's a problem with respect. Also very unfair on the boys - yesterday I was trying to help DS1 on his bike (still can't start himself off!) while pushing DS2 on his tricycle. Bloody hard work and would have been nice if Daddy was around to help. I think I may have a weekend away in November - not as childish point scoring, but to redress the balance a bit. Especially as I'm on my own with the DCs throughout December. Ho Hum.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/10/2009 12:02

costagirl,

Is there no one else who can umpire (what happens if and when he gets sick)?. Is he one of these poeple who has to occupy every minute of their day with either work or an outside activity?. I was wondering where you three fit into his plans.

What was Relate's opinion on your situation originally?. What was your DH's reaction to the relate counsellor?.

bumpybecky · 19/10/2009 12:03

what would I do? given that you're tried renegotiating before and it failed and you've asked him to leave and he's refused...

I'd sit him down again with a chart of the year with the days he's at home coloured in (only needs to be a small thing, nothing huge). I'd tell hime there's not enough time with him at home and that he needs to sort it as of December / January. I'd tell him if he doesn't sort it I'd be filing for divorce.

Most importantly I'd mean it. Make it absolutely clear that you're not willing tp put up with this any more.

I am so on your behalf that he's treating you and your children like this!

Original poster

costagirl · 19/10/2009 13:21

Yes there are loads of other umpires (who apparently have much more understanding wives!) He doesn't have to do anywhere near this much - a year ago was supposed to be giving up! It's completely his choice. That's what's so hurtful - he would rather do that than spend the time with us, or give me a bit of free time. Hurtful for the boys, too.

OP posts:

mamas12 · 19/10/2009 14:28

It is hurtful so you need to tell him you feel like a housekeeper and you are offended.
Ultimatums are dangerous because you HAVE to follow through with them so think really carefully about what you would like him to do OR ELSE. The or else is the hard part for you because you have to put plans into place for that or else.
Inform him of the 'or else' plans so he knows the deal too.

Original poster

costagirl · 19/10/2009 19:48

Er, well I decided today that I am NOT flying myself & the kids out to Australia for his 50th birthday while he's away at Christmas. I cannot justify the expense and effort for someone who wants to spend so much time away from us.
I told him this tonight - he had no idea that I'd been planning the surprise trip. He insisted that we talk about things and that I'm being silly. I refused, and said if spending time with us was such a chore, I wasn't doing it. End of. He was livid and did lots of shouting (unusual for him) before going to work.
Maybe that wasn't such a bright idea of mine, but I had to do something.

OP posts:

mamas12 · 19/10/2009 22:26

Hmm sounds like the shouting could be defensiveness maybe. But well done for trying to get your point accross and how dare he say your feelings i.e. you being hurt is silly.
Hope he calms down so when he comes back you can both sit down like adults and work it out.
Good luck

CarGirl · 19/10/2009 22:35

Well it sounds as if you've broached the subject and perhaps some new arrangements can be established.....

your poor boys

womblemeister · 20/10/2009 09:09

Well done you!! Perhaps he might finally start to realise the world doesn't revolve around him. Your kids will benefit a lot from seeing you stand up for yourself (and for them).

BlingLoving · 20/10/2009 09:23

If the problem is really about him changing the goalposts on you - suddenly taking extra days etc etc - I'd focus on that when you speak to him. It's not really about you resenting him having a hobby is it? It's about him doing other things without thought or consideration for what might work or not work for you and the DCs?

In which case, an approach where you clearly lay out and agree together what days he's going off to do sport, agreed in advance, would solve a lot of problems, even if it turns out to be every saturday?

I know DH and I have had arguments about him running in the past - not that I mind him running, but that suddenly I'd get home from work at 7:30 when he's been there for hours but he'd only go then. It ddrove me crazy because I felt he could have planned his running time better. But he thought I resented him running. Which I didn't.

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