Don't know why I feel the need to post this

[FlamingoBingo]

Probably because I'm crying and there's only DD4 (1) around - very lovely but not especially comforting.

I've just sent an email to my lovely step-mother, who I haven't seen or spokent o for about 4 years, to ask her if I can arrange a time to call her or correspond via email to talk about my shitty arse of a father.

I haven't seen my dad for about 3.5 years now since he lost interest in my children. He hasn't sent cards or presents for them, but my step-mother has. My step-mother has powered the relationship between him and us since she gave up trying to have children a few years after they married. It was her than ensured that, as teenagers, we actually saw him regularly. Not him - he was bored of us.

I've had about 6m of twice-weekly counselling this year and have realised that I've been pretty depressed most of my life because of him. I get depressed every time a birthday or Christmas happens, waiting and hoping he'll get in touch, however much I tell myself not to get my hopes up.

He usually remembers to get in touch on my birthday, but only just - this year I had a text at 11.40pm saying 'phew, just in time! Happy birtheday'. My brother's birthday was remembered earlier on in the day, but was just acknowledged by text as well.

He rings about four times a year to moan about having no money or about his health - never to actually see how I am. He says it's too far for them to come and visit us (2h drive) but asks if we (with 4 small children) could go and stay with him! I rang him and asked if he'd like to meet up somewhere half-way between us this summer - somewhere where the children would be distracted and it wouldnt' be too intense. To expensive, he said! I'd chosen somewhere free to get in, and he reckoned he couldn't afford the petrol . Although I think actually he is just a coward and used the money as an excuse.

He really is such a fucker, and I could do with years of very intense counselling to not feel depressed about it repeatedly, but I don't feel I have the time to invest in it right now having four young children.

Anyway, it was DD4's birthday a couple of weeks ago and my Step-mother sent a lovely card with a long note in it, which she had done for the last DGC's birthday, and for which I had sent a long thank you letter addressed just to her, not to my Dad.

I don't want to break off contact completely with my Dad - he is my children's grandfather and it's not my place to end any chances of them having a relationship with him ever - they need to know their place in the world. But I would like to have some sort of closure on my relationship with him so I can get on with my life without constantly pining for his love.

A few friends have suggested me trying to build on my relationship with my step-mother as a way of keeping the lines of communication open, but making it clear I don't want to have anything directly to do with my dad anymore.

So, I've thought about it, and thought about it some more. And this morning my 3 oldest DDs are with my parents and DH has gone to work, and I have just done it - I've just emailed her and now I'm crying and hoping I've done the right thing. I've just thanked her for her continued and loving interest in the children and told her I really appreciate it, and told her I'd like to talk to her about Daddy (sorry for that childish word - when my mum remarried, we fell into the habit of distinguishing between my step dad and my real dad by calling them Dad and Daddy respectively) and could she suggest a good time for her.

I read your post and couldn't not post as I know 100% how you feel. I have flounced but you can CAT me if you want to talk. Take care.

i really think that your step mother is'nt the best person to be confiding in. she's not impartial and has an agenda.

have you thought about getting some counselling?

I've had counselling, blinks, and it was very, very helpful. I need loads more, and more intense counselling, but I haven't got the time to invest in it right now.

yeah- i'm the same. not enough time or money.

do you have a decent relationship with your mum?

i don't see either of my parents and my husband's the same so i really do understand how hard it is.

FB, blinks is right, 100%.

The anger will make you want to cut contact but if you do that and regret it, then it is hard to go back. On the other hand, if you don't cut contact, you run the risk of further hurt.

Don't make any rash decisions. Take your time.

I also wanted to say that if you do cut contact, that won't stop how you're feeling. You will still wonder about him, wonder if he is thinking about you, still feel angry on birthdays, etc etc.

I don't want to go into it (it's long and complicated) but I have no contact with my mother and that suits me, it was the right decision for me. However, in doing that, I lost every member of my family (except my father as they are divorced) because they found themselves suddenly in a position to choose. I didn't make them choose, but she did and it was easier to break contact, than take the emotional blackmail and martyr act from my mother. It sincerely doesn't bother me though, because my life is fine without them, in fact my life has improved.

Essentially, if you cut contact with your father, expect repercussions. You may well lose your step mum and siblings too. They may have to choose or they may have to walk on eggshells, sneak around to keep contact with you. If they have to sneak around then they are defying your father and then they are in trouble for upsetting him.

There are so many outcomes that you need to be sure of yourself. Honestly, don't rush into anything thru anger. Talk about it as much as you need to.

Even if you can get to the point where you live your life accepting that this is the way it is, nothing you can do will change it. You have to put yourself first.

And I just wanted to add that angry confrontations with my own father never made a shit of a difference. He just saw it as me chucking my dummy out of my pram. It changed nothing.

exactly pumpkin- that's why, if you do confront, you need to do it with your eyes wide open... it should be for you, not in a bid to change him.

i also chose to cut contact and as pumpkin mentions, there were severe consequences also... the whole ripple effect thing.

HOWEVER i also believe i did the right thing for myself and my family and now, looking back, i can't believe i wasted so much time worrying about them when they clearly put their own feelings and relationship first anyway.

i feel i've moved forward but there will always be an element of pain there. i also have recurring dreams where i beat the shit out of them so my anger must still be there to an extent.

How are things, Flamingo?

Not sure if anyone who was on this thread will pick up this update, but here it is:

My step-mother has been wonderful. Extremely honest about how my father treats her too but also about why she thinks he does that. I'm not going to go into details, but I feel far, far happier about things and I'm going to try to start making contact with him and thrash out some of our differences. It makes it far easier understanding why he behaves like he does.