Why???

[feelingpositivemum]

Why...did I have 4 children with someone who was so horrible to me?
Why...did I sit there crying whilst trying to get the comb through my 3 yr olds hair, because he had banned me from using conditioner.
Why...did I continue cooking in 85 degree + heat because he wouldn't allow me to open a window because of the draught.
Why...didn't I walk out when on bringing my 2 day old daughter home from hospital he asked me when I was finishing the painting.
Why...did I follow to 'keep the peace' when he picked up my 5 yr old son and walked off with him screaming mummy so that I would follow and consequently teaching my 4 children you do as a bully says, instead of standing up to him.
Why did I let him dictate what food I bought the children.
Why, why, why? Where's my spine? I feel so guilty that I didn't stand up to him. Most people would have told him to bog off years ago, instead I had 4 children with him and have given them a life in a broken home.
I am so angry with myself for being so weak, and letting my children and myself down.
Anyway, I've left the arsehole so it's a start. Feel better for my rant as well!

You didn't leave him because this is the nature of abuse. You were so downtrodden that you couldn't fight back. You also loved him and was under his spell.

I beat myself up for a good few years for staying with the wrong man. Now I can see that I staed because it was abusive.

But now you are free and sooner or later you will forgive yourself. I still can't believe I stayed but I have reached an understanding. Hope you have too.

Yes I know 'the look', and that smug, entitled, nasty tone of voice. The thing is, when you are still there and desperately trying to make it work, you don't see those things clearly. It's only when you are out, and they ramp it up that you really see them for what they are.

Then you wonder how the hell you survived. I also know the 'driving into a large tree feeling'. Only with me it was a pillar on the A1.

Keep strong.

xxxx

Hey fpm.
I got a bit of a shock when I read your post.
I thought I had written those words and not remembered writing them.
I can continue that list ~
Why...did I stand there like a dork and say nothing when he called me a 'fcking cnt'
Why...did I spend hours looking for my 'broken down car' when it wasn't where he said it was.
Why...did I spend 2 years in therapy because he said I was damaged.
Why...didn't I leave when he told me a week before ds2 was born that I could have the baby on my own.
Why...did I respond every time he rang me from the bedroom to make him tea.
Why...did I have a panic attack if I forgot to do something on 'the list' that I was issued with each day.

I'll stop there, but believe me, it is very hard for me to stop! I'm not having a great evening. I turned my life around between June 15th and now and am separated from the 'he' that I refer to above.
It has been an emotionally charged few months and I waver between anger, relief and, as is the case tonight, a little bit of panic and despair

No one day is like the last, they just manifest and deplete within 24 hours. But at the end of each day I find I am still here and still in one piece
You are not alone. I have 3 beautiful children and will always be their Mum, as you are to yours. We will become stronger in time and recover from having the emotional shit kicked out of us, you'll see

It so saddens me to see how some men can treat such wonderful women.

Realme, you too are amazing! Awesome.

realme, well done for getting out. x

I think it's especially hard because these people are experts at interspersing good times with the bad just to keep you 'hooked'. Then when you are sat on your own, the good times memories crop up and you waver.

I can relate to the wavering, especially as my ex has differently to how I expected and is being as nice as possible, absolutely no nastiness and is as accommodating as anything. All very suspicious, and just as controlling. I think, it's because he knows he has to behave to see the kids as much as he does and also, because the community are now 'watching' and he wouldn't get away with being nasty.

Anyway, it has wrongfooted me but I know it's all a front and that he hasn't changed. Hence, his sorrow that I hadn't really ever understood him and if only I had then everything would have been fine.

Keep going and when you feel happy and relieved really enjoy that moment. Also, it has helped coming on here because it reminds me how bad things were. It's easy to forget especially if everyone is behaving.

x

It seems so obvious now I say it, but it took over 20 years to realise it: just because you understand why someone behaves the way they do, does not mean that you can live with it.

I'm fairly convinced my XH could not help the way he kicked off sometimes, that the control games were due to fear rather than nastiness - but in the end, nothing I could do could help him get over it and it was driving me to the brink of madness. He needed a therapist, not a wife. If we were apart, at least one of us stood a chance of recovery. And at least the DCs could have one "normal" home where they could see how real people live.

I agree, I actually feel sorry really for him because all he wanted throughout our marriage was a mother's love, not a wifes. I was always failing him because I wasn't giving him the unconditional love a mother can give, I needed to be loved back and not be controlled and abused. He was always terrified I would leave him 'like every other female' had done in his life. And his answer to this was to be even more nasty. He had counselling and even the counsellor said she's not your mother you know, she's your wife.

I told him and told him that I couldn't shoulder the blame for his parents wrongs and I couldn't live with the hatred.

And I'm crying as I listen to my 'depressive' 11 yr old son, singing upstairs in his bedroom. I've never heard him sing before.

Fpm, when I am faced with my 'charming, well behaved, doting-father' ex I have 2 or 3 well rehersed visualisations prepared in my head. They are well practised memories of incidents in which he verbally abused me. I picture the contempt on his face, the sneer and the utter disrespect that he showed me. Every time I have a weak moment - usually late at night when I'm sitting alone in the kitchen wondering how the hell I got to this point in my life - I think of those images and remember why it had to end, that I was worth more then to be treated like an unpaid servant. That I should never have had to put up with his abusive behaviour, and that I did the right thing to put a stop to things before my own children started to learn that this was the way they should treat their Mum and any other woman they come into contact with.
I see this period in my life as a recovery phase. I intend to re emerge as a stronger, wiser woman. It's tough going, but to have stayed with my ex would have been tougher. I feel proud of myself for having found the strength to stop the never ending cycle and you should be proud too.

TRM, I can picture his face and do so whenever I need to! I will use that tip, I usually conjure up my son screaming for me as he was carried away by my ex across a shopping centre in order to make me follow and me hoping there was a social worker christmas shopping. I am so cross I did follow, as I feel that was such a bad message to give the children, that you do follow. That really made me take a step back and realise it had to stop. I lost all respect for him then. He has never apologised.

I don't ever have a moments doubt really, I think I waited so long that I know it would never have changed. Lundy Bancrofts book was the turning point for me, I realised that he would never change and things would never get better.

I also, when sitting there weeping whilst being called a 'manipulative bitch' realised that my parents never talked to me like this and that they brought me up to be respected. And that in the end was what made me leave, that underlying feeling that noone should be spoken to and looked at like that, especially by their partner!

I do feel very proud of myself, and whenever it feels tough, its never as tough as being controlled and hated.

Thanks x

i also left a bully...and had 4 children with him too,even though i knew he was never going to change....why is a very good question!

i got out 5 years ago...so am further down the line. i gave him access,which he abused,so made him take me to court,which is on-going now. i insisted on a full report,including a full forensic psychiatric assesment. this showed he has a personality disorder.

am glad about that....really glad.

well done for getting out. it gets easier,really it does. but you always look back and think why!

therealme..

I can relate to many of your 'whys' including the one about being called a c. But I actually thought that it is ok to be spoken to like that, wtf!? But i too was never spoken to like that my my parents, and i do worry that H will swear at our dd (he has already told her to 'f off' when she was pestering him to play and he was watching tv!)

I was shocked at this and told him not to speak to her like that.

I find you try to make excuses for their behaviour, but really there is no excuse for a complete lack of respect for your wife and dd!

feelingpositivemum, i hope i can be as strong as you and get away from the bully! Am glad your son is happier, that must be a really positive thing for you to see.

FPM You said " am so cross I did follow, as I feel that was such a bad message to give the children, that you do follow."

Actually, no, I strongly disagree with you there. You gave out the message to your child that you would be there for him, no matter what. And that takes strength and that unconditional love that you do have your children, so don't you worry about the wrong message being given....

at your DS singing - lovely!

Oh FPM, another one who has been there.

You aren't the weak one, he is. You haven't let your children down. You've given them a really positive message, that you do not put up with bullies and women deserve to be treated with respect

Isn't it so great being away from them though? Really?

Loving that you can hear your son singing!

And I understand your whys.

Why...didn't I protest when he bit my cheek while I was on the delivery ward?
Why....did I urge DD to run to him instead of to me because otherwise he'd get jealous?
Why....did I keep forgiving and hoping and trying?

But hey, look at us - we decided enough was enough and we deserved better and we followed it through!

I agree that the Lundy Bancroft book is a real eye-opener. You keep thinking that he doesn't want to be like this and you can help him to be better/happier/calmer, but the book shows that yes, he does want to be like this and he is taking full advantage of it. It helps overcome your pity and guilt, which can trap women just as much as sheer intimidation does.

FPM: you did the right thing - both in leaving him (YAY! well done) and in following him that time, because by following you showed your son that you would not abandon him no matter what, he would have found that incident far worse if you hadn't foloowed.

Thanks everyone, it is great to be away! And thanks for your reassurance about following my DS. That does help.

Naff moment but I keep listening to Michael Buble - 'Feeling Good' and the lyrics fit so well with how I feel. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel as light as a feather. I don't think anyone realises how low they feel until they can start to be themselves again and breathe freely.

NNT, its interesting isn't it, since I left, he hasn't put a foot wrong as he wants to save face in our community and have plenty of access to kids.
At first I thought how hard he is trying but now I think how in control he was and is now. If he can switch it off that easily, why didn't he for 14 years. Amazing. And depressing. And scary.

Yes, they can switch it off but they choose not to, which is kind of heartbreaking.

There's a line in "Living with the Dominator" where the author says that abusive men have told her frankly that they "wait till they have their feet under the table" before they start the abuse. I have some objections to that book, but that line struck me cold. They're in control all along.

FPM - He won't be able to keep it up forever, just remember that - eventually his true colours will show......