Want to stop obsessing over ex

[ScottieChick]

I need a bit of objective help! I'm happily married and have a good relationship with DH. But for the past year I've been emailing my ex, and can't get him out of my head. There's nothing romantic going on, we just talk about what we're up to these days, and he also seems to be happily married. I'm not interested in having an affair or leaving my husband, so why am I obsessing over my ex?? Have wondered if it's just that I'm bored and looking for a bit of excitement (married 10+ years). DH knows I'm emailing my ex and is OK with it (sort of)as he knows I'm not about to run off. He's read the emails I've sent and received, so there's nothing to hide. But still can't get my ex out of my head and it's driving me crazy. Any thoughts or advice, please? (other than stop emailing him).

Before we start advising, would you just clarify the "other than stop emailing him"? because I can't help thinking that's what most of us would feel is the first step. You've kind of cut us off before we start.

I have to say I really envy you having a DH who is cool with you emailing another man on a platonic basis.

Try reminding yourself of all the reasons why he is an ex...

Just make sure you show your DH all the emails you receive from your ex and all the emails you send to your ex. If you omit to show him one you would be crossing a boundary and your relationship with your DH becomes less than honest.

But really you know you should stop doing it.

I know the sensible thing would be to stop emailing completely but would like to retain a friendship with ex if i could, without it doing my head in! Trouble is we broke up because of distance, not because of something anyone did.

And yes, I know I'm really lucky with DH - wouldn't change him for the world. That's why I don't understand what's going on in my head!!

Unfinished business then. The "what if" factor. It's mixed up with you having been 10+ years younger, more energetic and hopeful in those days... longing for the whole youth thing. It's very natural, but dangerous because it may make you start to feel discontented with your current life and partner, for the sake of the might-have-been/used to be.

There's another thread on here about trying to be friends with an ex and several people commented that you can't really be friends as long as you still have romantic feelings. I think that's true. Best, in my view, to accept you can't keep this contact going, not because it's wicked but because it makes you feel uncomfortable and there's no reason to assume it will get better (unless something he says puts you right off! People do change you know, he's probably bald and fat these days, and taken up some kind of hobby that would drive you crazy).

I'll leave it to someone else to say that if it had been a true "meant to be" you wouldn't have let distance get in the way. Oh oops, I just said it - never mind

Thanks - I know you're right. Life's happy but a bit mundane, so focusing on the path not chosen, I guess. Will try to focus on all his annoying traits, rather than view him as the one that got away. (Realise this isn't fair to my very understanding DH, so really need to get this under control.) Can't help wondering, though!

The most likely scenario is that you'd be pretty much exactly where you are today, only with a different partner - neither worse nor better off, just faintly wistful for the time you were footloose and fancy free, and gravity was something that happened to other people's boobs.

Call it a wake-up call for your life/marriage, if you like. It's bound to get a little routine after ten years of being parents, running a household etc, even with the loveliest partner. You can't go back in time but you can go forward to something really good. You might need to rediscover how to be childlike with your DH (dates and stuff, discovering a new hobby together, building some "couple time" into the daily routine - just connecting in a way that is nothing to do with duty and responsibility). Or even something just for yourself, rediscovering a pastime you used to enjoy or finding a new one. You don't have to go off the rails to make your life more enjoyable. Everyone deserves a little fun.

oh, and don't ever be a facebook friend of his or you'll never stop obsessively looking at his page!