feelings for my ex

[NotMeAnyMore]

Just looking for any worldly-wise MN advice.

My ex broke up with me 5 months ago, we'd been together 7 years, lived together for 6.5, in our late 20s, no children. I had no warning, I thought we were happy and going to spend our lives together. I quit my job, moved 200 miles away (back to where I grew up) and got a new job. Hurting like hell, still in love with him etc etc but wanted to at least carry out all the actions saying 'I'm going to get on with my own life', even if my heart couldn't follow! I've kept myself busy, hobbies, reconnecting with old friends etc, doing things I always meant to do. We talked about what had gone wrong, he wanted to stay friends, we agreed to, we've met up twice when I was visiting a friend near where I used to live with him. This last month I've been on a few internet dates including one guy I think I could see a relationship with, although he hasn't called me back (idiot - his loss). I know I still love my ex though and deep down I feel that there is still a future there. Love songs still make me cry etc.

Now I've been fired from my new job, and my life is even more uncertain. He's been so supportive over it all and really lovely over phone/text/email. I know he still has feelings for me - he's told me so. He's also suggested we meet up again soon to spend a day together.

What I want to do is to keep talking, meet up and hang out, just enjoy the chemistry that is still there. My heart wants to spend time together so maybe he can realise what he's missing out on and want me back.....my head thinks that I'm probably setting myself up for more hurt, but I don't know what else I can do. With everything else thats going on, I'm not strong enough at this point in time to actually 'get over' this man who is the love of my life.

If anyone wants to try and talk 'sense' into me.....or tell me how to stop loving someone.....or tell me it's ok to want to spend time together.....I'm all ears.

Yeah I've had a friend whining on at me about the '6 month rule'...she split up with her ex just before me, but completely different situation. She keeps trying to compare the two situations. She doesn't know my ex - we've basically rekindled our friendship since we've both been single.

I'm just not strong enough to say stop contact now. We did discuss doing that (he has a similar friend nagging him!) but neither of us wanted to and didn't think that was a solution anyway - you're not friends if you don't have any contact. I've got so much else to cope with, and he's been the most supportive friend these past days since getting fired.

I don't feel I'm throwing my life away though - I'm seeing friends, planning trips, "loving myself" as they say.

Actually I did get over my ex before him (my only other serious relationship, 2 yrs) and we were still friends - actually about 10 months later, we were out with friends and ended up kissing, and then I realised I was over him. We're not really friends any more - I still know him and see him when we're in the same place, but I think it's rubbish when people say they're friends when they're not really. They don't talk regularly or make an effort to see each other or do stuff together, that's not friendship, it's just someone you know.

You aren't 'friends' though are you? Not while you still have strong feelings for him.
IMO you can't be friends with someone after you have split up, if that feeling between you was strong enough you would still be together, as it is I think you are kidding yourself and setting yourself up to be hurt again.
Sorry I sound harsh and I don't mean to, but I do think that stopping contact is the best way for you to move on. It could be that he is keeping you on the back burner so to speak, in case he wants to pick up again in future, which is really unfair on you.

I agree, you aren't friends with this guy at all, friends don't usually want to get off with each other do they.

I did actually get back together with my ex after about 6 months apart and we're still together now, ten years later. I needed time apart from him to really recognise what he meant to me - thank god he didn't meet anybody else while I was mulling it over!

But from my pov I was the one who had done the breaking up, and then the agreeing to start again.

Why did your ex break up with you? Were his reasons plausible?

I think maybe you need to have a frank chat with him, and say look we're either together or we're not. It would be v hard becuase of course he may say no, I don't want you back. But I think you need to know, becuase you can't really get over him until it is actually over, and for as long as you are still seeing him, it isn't over. It's almost like you're having a mini break up every time you see him and get your hopes up again.

He could meet somebody else at any time.

Sorry NotMe - I know it's not what you want to hear but I agree with the other posters. Contact with him won't help you get over him while your feelings are so strong. No contact hurts like hell - its the worst feeling in the world, just like a bereavement BUT it gets better and in the long run its for the best.

If I were you I'd have a conversation with him and tell it how it is - no game playing.

Just say that you still have strong feelings for him and this is making it hard to be friends. Tell him you still love him ( if this is true ) and that if he still loves you then you will try again to have a proper relationship ( again if this is true ).

If he doesn't feel the same then there can be no contact between you for the forseeable.

If he does care for you as he says he does then he will respect this.

Not being in contact is probably not going to be forever, just for the time being until you are in a place in your mind where you can deal with seeing him again. Leave a chink in the door - don't burn your bridges, but be firm about it. If he cares, he'll understand.

I've been in a similar situation recently and I'm so glad I have no contact with him - he wants to be friendly if we see each other but I can't deal with it. I just keep thinking - I'd love to see him BUT there would come a point if we met when I would have to say bye to him and watch him walk away again and it would break my heart ALL OVER AGAIN. Its not do-able is it ?

Heal your heart first.

To be honest last time we said goodbye it felt great we'd had this lovely afternoon had lunch and then laid on the grass in the park together just talking, I wasn't sad at all.

Why he broke up with me - well at the time there wasn't any real reason that he gave, just all the cliches, later we've talked and basically he had worries about us that we hadn't addressed (as he hadn't raised them) and if we had talked about them properly, it probably wouldn't have happened. But we didn't and it did, and now we live 200 miles apart.

He rang again this lunchtime and we just chatted, talked about meeting up, then he did his usual 'anyway best go' thing (I've known the man a long time - he's rubbish on the phone with anyone) and conversation ended -I rang back 15 mins later saying that I didn't leave the conversation feeling good and didn't want to leave it like that, he said he was so glad I rang back as he felt the same, and we arranged to meet up in 3 weeks time he'll come down to where I'm working for the weekend - I'm doing supply work now after losing my new job.

We've done the 'should we stop seeing each other' conversation and the conclusion was no....and it's not something I want to do again over the phone, so it'll have to wait 3 weeks anyway, I have that time to decide how I'm going to handle it.

mrsjammi....sorry I didn't mean you were whining I meant my RL friend was whining! which is a different issue.

Is it not ok to put off having to get over this??? Of course I want people to agree with me, doesn't everyone, lol.

"Is it not ok to put off having to get over this??? Of course I want people to agree with me, doesn't everyone, lol. "

Lol. Told you its not what you'd want to hear

Do what you have to - but please just be careful with your heart. Its easy being mates now - but just think what would happen if he meets someone new cos its a possibility. Think how you would feel and react.

Okay - will go now.

NMAM

I'd just be honest with him, that you still have feelings for him and you love being with him. I was really really young when I was in this situation last, and lacking in confidence, but I wish I had just been honest - not expecting anything to be different, but just to be honest. I do think the TattoedMaple is right.

good luck to you.

I am seriously considering imposing this 6-month rule - seeing as the world all loves it so much! I'm thinking about having another dreaded The Conversation in 3 weeks when we see each other, saying look you know that I still love you, and we can't really be friends like this can we honestly, why is it you want to be friends with me (is it to assuage the guilt, or because he can't let go either, and it's the latter then there's something here), and if it ain't gonna happen then saying fine we have to have 6 months no contact otherwise it's too hard for me. (Feel a bit like I'm giving in though; why should it be too hard for me if it's not too hard for him). My heart also doesn't want to hear the former answer.

But can anyone tell me what happens after the magic 6 months?

OK - so I did it. We met up for the evening, we had a lovely dinner, went for a drink afterwards, genuinely enjoying each otehrs company relaxed and happy. Then at the end of the evening I said I couldn't do this anymore, that I still loved him, and that I wanted to start again. He said 'not yet'. So I said we couldn't be friends any more.

I could have done it more elegantly (running off to the ladies to puke at the sheer emotion/stress wasn't my best moment) but I did it. He walked me to my car, we were crying and hugging in the street, I had to walk away from him standing there crying watching me.

Now I just hurt even more. He can't/won't say that he doesn't love me and that it's over for good - so I still have that hope inside me, whatever I do. He wanted to keep in contact with me. And I just miss him, the friendship and the companion that he was. My birthday was three days later, he didn't contact me, although I had some lovely emails from his sister, who had seen him, said he hadn't wanted to talk about it, it seemed too painful.

People seem to think I've done the right thing, why does it feel so wrong?

Delete his number completely. Dump all the old pics, anything that reminds you of him in a sealed box. Greive- cry, scream, bore your friends endlessly.
Go out, do something, anything different every week.

If he wanted to be with you he would be. My ex did all the old 'I don't know what I want' 'Not yet... maybe....' business for a whole year and it was the most painful hideous year of my life.

Don't 'allow' him to do this to you.

If he wanted to be with you he would be. End of.

So sorry you are going through this.

It will get easier though- but ONLY if you cut him out completely.

Completely agree with littlestmummystop.

I've been in a similar situation to yours NotMeAnyMore and this really is the only way to get past it. If he wanted to be with you nothing would stop him!!! Don't let him keep you waiting as his fallback!

I know its not easy - i'm so sorry you've had to go through this but you do need to move on.

Stay strong. And try and build another life.

If he really loves you, he will reconsider and contact you to say try again.

Don't settle for anything less, it won't do either of you any good in the long term.

Hi NotMe - so sorry you are going through this. Break-ups are so hard. I totally agree you need some time out. I think it is really useful that you had that conversation with him when you saw him because you know now that he is not feeling the same way as you in terms of wanting to rekindle things right now.

Of course he still has feelings for you (after so long together) and wants to be friends but sub-consciously, it is likely that this is because, having been the one to hurt you by ending the relationship he feels better at being a friend to you and there for you given your job situation etc. It makes him feel less of a "bad guy" but it is not good for you. He is not going to be the one you can turn to forever when something goes wrong and you have to start weaning yourself away from that dependancy and its horrible, I know.

You have to try to get on with you life without him - maybe in time this will make him see that he misses you and wants to be with you again and if not then each day apart is a day towards you recovering.

Ask a really good friend if you can phone her every time you think about texting/calling your ex and have her talk you down.

Good luck.

Everyone keeps saying to me, stay strong and you're doing the right thing. But I'm sitting alone in a scummy room that comes with this temp job every night, basically, most nights just end up crying. This job pays well but is so deathly quiet that I have too much time to think during the day and even ended up crying at work. It's been 6 months now, and it still hurts just the same. I still don't understand why. I've already bored the one friend I was leaning on, she's not replied to me for a week now. There are a few other people, but everyone is busy, they have their own lives, plus they are all in long term relationships/married - and all know us both. My mum refuses to discuss it with me and says I should be over it. The past week I've ended up emailing with his sister, and another girl who I only know cos she went to school with him, talking to them because they've been travelling which is what I'm planning on doing, but they just remind me of the life I've lost.

I'm trying to make my own life - I'm doing these temp jobs to earn money to go travelling. But whenever I have time to myself - which is far far too much - I'm just missing him and crying. I just can't accept it. I'm not strong.

Thre is nothing wrong with getting back with him unless either of you are in a relationship. My dh split a few times during our pre kids relationship. We have now been married for 8 years (tommorrow) and have 2 kids.

However with you feeling so low with having lost your job be careful that it is him you want back and not all the job and security that he represents from your past life.

Have no good advice, but I'm on here and thinking of you. It is such very early days. Gloat over your savings, plan your travelling itinerary, perhaps find a course that could keep your brain occupied - what about a language of one of the countries you want to visit? Focus on the good things that will come, so you don't dwell on this more than necessary. It will get better soon, honestly. xxx

Have just read your thread and I so understand everything you're saying. I was dumped in the same way about 6 weeks ago with no satisfactory explanation - just I'm confused and my feelings aren't what they were. He wanted to stay friends but to date I have heard nothing from him, depite me sending a couple of texts and an e-mail. I am totally devastated and can't stop thinking about him night and day. I love him so much and just can't see that changing.

However, I agree with what everyone else on here has said. You will not get over this unless you have no contact. I know that if I saw xp now I would be totally back to square one and I really don't want that feeling back again. Thought I was going mad when it first happened.

I am feeling a bit better than I was but not much. At least I'm on some kind of equiibrium now.

I don't really understand how he can be spending this time with you and enjoying it and not want to be with you. I wonder what's going on in his head. Unless of course, he really does just want to be friends, enjoys your company and doesn't feel the hurt himself, although you said he was crying when you drove away. All very strange.

However, if he loves you and wants to be with you - he would.

Look after yourself and I know it's hard to immerse yourself in stuff to get away from it. I can do it quite well during the day but when I go to bed I just cry myself to sleep.

Just look after yourself and remember, we will get there.