Do you think my DH is up to no good - or am I imagining it ?

[Ijustwanttobeloved]

Hope this message isn't too long and rambling :-

I have been with my DH for about 11 years, - we met at work and had an affair (not a good way to meet I know - lots of people got hurt !). There was a lot of heartache on both sides, and had made my trust in him a little shakey !

We have a DS, and have always had a volatile relationship, in so much as we are both quite strong minded and controlling people who don't like to give in (Not a good personality trait I know !), never any violence but lots of heated rows.

Even though we have always rowed we have always loved each other, and when either on holiday or out for a night out, had a good time with each other and rekindled our relationship.

I gave up a good job about 18months ago, because I was finding it too stressful and wanted to spend time bringing up our DS as he is a very sensitive little boy. He massively resents this and feels that I should be at work, and if I don't go back to work, then he says he will also give up work so he can swan about all day drinking coffee with my friends etc (Which I don't generally do as I travel 120 miles 3 times a week to visit my poorly Mum in hospital)

Just lately DH seems to have completely removed himself from me, and our relationship, and when I try to get things back on track, he has said that he doesn't want to go out together on our own as he doesn't really like me or want to spend any time with me etc etc. I have sent him letter's text's etc asking him to try and work things out for the sake of our DS, but he refuses to talk to me, unless it's in a row where he says things like "I'm not a nice person" so when I point out I have a lot of friends etc, he tells me that they are not telling me the truth and that they are all lying to me (He know's how to hurt me and what to say !). I have asked him to consider going to relate (we went a few years ago) but he now says that he wont do this as he's not doing anything else I want him to do, and that he's going to live his life how he wants to and that I have got to "Put up with it". He said that the last time he went it was only to keep me happy and that he didn't really believe anything he was saying during the sessions...!

I also asked him if he could try and come home a coupe of nights per week (If he wasn't working late of away) so he could have a meal with myself and our DS, to which he again replied that he would not be doing that as his whole life was controlled by me and that he was sick of it !

It got so bad that several weeks ago I said that it may be best if we seperated for a while to see how things went, and he agreed, but before the end of the weekend I couldn't face it and asked him to stay. I think that was because I do really love him and couldn't face the thought of not seeing him again. Also our DS adores him and it would cause him so much pain to see his Daddy leave.

I'm so confused on the one hand he makes me feel so unloved and unwanted that I think it would be best if he went, but on the other hand I really do love him and can't face life without him.

The reason I am very suspicious of him is a) him emotionally distancing himself from me b) he keeps his phone with him constantly and looked very flustered when I asked him if I could look at it after I thought I saw him texting someone at 1am c) we are never intimate anymore and he never looks at me as though he fancies me and d) he is away so much that he has ample opportunity.

I am so sorry that this post is so long, but feel as though I am going mental and am sat here on my owne feeling very sad.

P.S When I say about seperating etc, he always claims that he loves me -

If anyone can make any sense of the above I would really love to hear your thoughts - thanks x

yes, I am a bit harsh this evening

perhaps I have been reading too many threads made by damaged women who have had their partners walk out on them for something better....

however, I don't think I said that anyone who has had an affair deserves to be punished (by punished, do you mean "be treated in the same way that the previous cuckold was ?" )

I just have a problem with why women like the OP never seem to think these utter twats won't up and do exactly the same thing to them

Sounds like real life, the day to day stuff is what he has troublewith.

yes, ecomouse

leopards and spots

why do women fall for it ?

We had our DS before we got married and I always feel that he only married me because of that reason (how pathetic do I sound). we met a long time ago and have been very happy - always volatile but happy

We seem to have grown further and further apart since last summer, which is when I found some text messages between him and another colleague - I was so upset but he assured me that nothing went on (and I believed him as they were only over one night, and they never appeared again)

I just feel that we are throwing away a family unit, and that he just isn't prepared to work at is as hard as me.

I am seeing a councellor as well as the AD's and I went to see him today which I think may be why I am feeling so down.

Don't get me wrong we do have the odd nice day, and we make a massive effort for DS, but should life have to be about making an effort all of the time ?

i'm sorry, not read all threads.
never mind whether or not he is having an affair.
the rest of what you say sounds bad enough.

are you happy other wise? yourself i mean, aside from with him?

can you get another job and live your own life, ignore him and hopefully perhas he will realise what he is missing and treat you better?

It sounds crap. Seriously. Whether or not he is seeing anyone else seems kind of irrelevant, I think if the right person came along he'd be off like a shot. (And I say that as someone very happily married to someone who was living with someone else when we go together)

He is telling you he is not happy; you are not happy; what is the point?

OP: Basically this man does not love you any more. That doesn't mean you are a bad person, or even that he is a bad person (though he is being selfish and lazy and cowardly; if he had any guts or decency he would tell you as kindly as possible that the relationship is over and try to make the separation as smooth and fair as he could).
Don't waste any more time or effort trying to 'win him back', as he doesn't want to be won back and all you are doing is hurting yourself and losing your dignity. Start working out the practicalities of a separation, then tell him that the relationship is over and it's time to sort out who leaves, etc.

And no, this isn't 'karma' for the fact that both of you had other partners when you met. Lots of people leave one person for another, usually because the relationship they leave had become stale, or was an inertia relationship anyway (one of those where one or both parties regards it as 'well, this will do, can't be single at my time of life..') And despite all the projecting that always goes on whenever people talk about breaches of monogamy , sometimes partners who are dumped for someone new bloody well deserve it.

Scaryfucker, they fall for it because they need to, to alleviate their own guilt over wrecking families in the first place, possibly?

They need to believe that what they and said leopard have is so, so 'special' that the wake of devastation they leave behind them is somehow warranted.

...and then said leopard blows the whole farce out of the water upon finding another so, so special person to continue his spottish behaviour with.

He doesn't have the bollox to be alone or end a relationship with dignity and for this reason, also needs to believe that each new one is so, so special that they are worth the devastation, to acheive ultimate validity of this, he will go to lenghts to encourage new OW to believe so too and so on, and so on.

I could have just said 'denial' ..... but I've had cause to give such things much thought.

eco, that is insightful indeed

OP - you have been together 11 years. That's longer than a lot of people manage without the emotional baggage you brought to the relationship. So forget the past and the circumstances of you getting together. It happens to loads of people.

I agree that the relationship as a whole - not the potential affair - is the problem here and that your DH sounds like the type of man who can't leave one relationship without another potential one to go to - to soften the blow for himself so to speak.

Rather than a serial cheater, he sounds like a serial monogomist - who just lacks the courage to end things when he is no longer happy and uses another women as an exit strategy. But I do agree that a) he's either having an affair or seriously considering it and b) he no longer really loves you. He may say he does - but actions speak louder than words.

It will be soul destroying for you to try to win him back in the way you are describing - and I know how tempting it is to try. But its not in your power and its not your fault. All you can do is look at the reality of the situation you are in and decide if you want it to continue.

If you do then fine - accept that this is how your life will be and get on with it.

If you don't then you have to either end it yourself or try to decide what needs to happen to make your lives together better. And here, Relate would help.

However, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink - if he doesn't want to change and doesn't want to fix things then you have to walk away with as much diginity and resolve as you can muster because its not going to fix itself.

Keep posting and take care

Thanks thetattooedmagpie.

I really really don't want us to seperate as I think it will destroy our DS, who idolises his Daddy - I think my DH wants to have everything - a single life (Eg going to the pub/playing golf etc) when he wants to but then return to the family home and we accept him with open arms - but hey life isn't like that, and i probably make life quite hard for him when he does arrive home (Recently I've been less and less confrontational with him as it doesn't do any good any just causes an atmosphere for our DS).

I just don't understand that if he is soo unhappy (Which he seems to be 90% of the time) then why he wont either talk about it or have the guts to tell me that it's over ?

I am trying so hard, and he says he is but I just don't see it - when we are out with friends he avoids me totally, which then makes me sad, so I get upset and he gets annoyed - he also seems very angry when he has a drink (not violent just angry) so he must be sad as well - so why doesn't he sort it out either one way or the other ?

I don't have the courage to end it, and I have tried and tried to talk to him - but he's never been a good communicator so he just clams up or tells me what I have done wrong etc. I sent him a text the other day to ask him to go out just the two of us, and said he would love to. We did go out and had an OK evening - didn't talk about anything of an substance but then he has gone back to being uncommunicative and down.

He is also very stressed with work, and is maybe taking that out on me ?

Sooo confused, and really don't want us to split up - but manybe that's the only answer ?

If you think that separating will destroy your ds - what do you think all the rowing and atmosphere is doing to him? Whether or not it turns out that you dh is having an affair you need to get things sorted - if that means separating then you owe it to your ds to do it. If you stay in an unhappy relationship your ds will be more badly affected than if you separate and build a happier future.

Eco and Scary - the OP and her DH met 11 years ago, probably when they were pretty young... they weren't married to other people and had no kids. So to stomp about the place shouting 'karma' and 'homewreckers' is nasty and inappropriate.

And I bet, hand on heart, many people in their younger years have had relationships that have over-lapped a little.

This woman is being treated like shit by her husband of 11 years and the father of her child, she's obviously hurting and snidey digs are just not helpful.

OP - you really need to distance yourself from him, you sound very nice and you deserve to be treated better than this, as does your DS.

Thank you so much for your kind words Nostrila

We did hurt people when we got together, but we were still young (in our 20's) and have been together for a long long time.

I would never ever consider cheating on my DH as I know from experience how hurt people can be, but when we met it was the most powerful and amazing thing, and I have never felt that about anyone before I met him or since.

That is why it all seems such a shame, as we were so in love, and we both went through a lot to be together, that to throw it all away now seems so pointless.

I have decided to write him a long long letter telling him how I feel, I have done this in the past with some success, but lets hope that this will make him either wake up and start to try or be man enough to say he doesn't want me.

"i smell karma" indeed!!!!!

i agree with wannabe; why are people being nasty to OP - just because their relationship started out how it did do they deserve to be unhappy??? no they don't!!!!

but - ijustwanttobeloved, he is being an arse to you. i wouldn't stand for it. don't let him grind you down. x

Nostril, really, if you want to have a go, do so with accuracy it would make your rant seem a little more valid.

Maybe.

who mentioned "home-wrecker"

has someone been reading the daily mail ?

From my experience, trust your instinct. I knew he was having an affair, confronted him and it was always denied. You need concrete proof, or a confession (which is what i got - eventually).

It's hard i know, you think you should leave if he is messing about, but if you are wrong and he's not then you are the bad guy! Tricky situation, i know exactly what you are going through.

The truth will out in the end.