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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

people not replying to texts really upsets me

49 replies

starbaby · 13/10/2009 10:09

I sent 7 texts yesterday to various close friends and so far have had 1 reply!

This happens all the time, i send a text asking a question and it takes people 3 days to get back to me!! I find it really hurtful and ignorant and rude.

These are mostly close friends and I just can't understand why they don't answer texts.

I have a couple of friends who I know are not very phone friendly, they never turn their phones on, leave them in a drawer etc and so I don't expect them to reply immediately. But the texts I sent yesterday are to friends who carry phones with them, put them on the table when we're in the pub, they use them all the time.

Sometimes they apologise and say 'sorry, was busy at work and forgot'...for 3 days???!!

When I get a text I reply straight away, it only takes 30seconds, even if it's just to say 'yeah ok x'

My husband says that I'm being oversensitive about it cos I have my phone with me every minute of the day and other people don't.

However, when my friends want me they always text and I always reply within minutes, why can't they extend the same courtesy to me?

OP posts:

mrsjammi · 13/10/2009 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

squeaver · 13/10/2009 10:59

stillfrazzled - I do that on MN too. Can't understand why a thread isn't in "threads I'm on" then realise it's because I didn't post that beautifully composed reply

Original poster

starbaby · 13/10/2009 11:34

thanks everyone for replying.

suppose you're right. Think i'm lonely and feeling a bit insecure. My problem, not theirs.

I'm going to stop answering their texts straight away.

OP posts:

colditz · 13/10/2009 11:37

I don't do texting. If I need to reply I will ring, if I don't I just won't.

I hate this reliance on mobile phones. It's not courtesy to intrude into someone's day with unsolicited messages then get pissy when they aren't immediately replied to.

Nancy66 · 13/10/2009 11:38

I also hate texting. i hardly ever send them and i get a bit irratated when I receive them - unless I absolutely have to then i usually don't reply.

BettyTurnip · 13/10/2009 11:39

Exactly - play a bit hard to get; you will have them intrigued and probably texting you again wondering if everything's okay...

LoveBeingAMummy · 13/10/2009 11:43

I quite often get half way thrugh replyig then have to go and deal with dd nd then get on with things that i have to do and forget. It snot personal, its life. Of course if you're out socialising they can answer stright away, why sholdn't they, i do.

Bramshott · 13/10/2009 12:00

Noooo Starbaby - don't play games and stop texting them back quickly! Some people respond quickly to texts and some don't - neither is "wrong"! Have confidence in yourself - you sound like a lovely person!

cece · 13/10/2009 12:04

It regularly takes me a day or two to reply. That is the beauty of texts isn't it? TBH I don't check my phone and often find I have a day or more old text waiting for me to read. I had no idea you were supposed to reply immediately to them!

upahill · 13/10/2009 12:19

I love texting and some nights have texting conversations with mates that can last hours and have a laugh. But I agree with everyone. You can't always respond. I often work away from home and the service is quite poor in places so then pick up a load of texts at the end of the week. Or if I'm out walking all day I don't want to be interuppted by texts and leave phone on silent and respond when I'm ready. Also my friends do the same to my texts. No hard feelings to each other. It's just a text!!

Original poster

starbaby · 13/10/2009 12:40

i've been having a big think this morning about why i'm so upset and take it so personally when they don't reply.

I work alone, from home and don't speak to many people day to day. Think I'm just desperate for a bit of interaction with someone who isn't my husband or kids.

I'm not playing games when I say i'm not going to reply straight away but like someone on here says, i don't want them thinking i'm a real saddo sitting by my phone waiting for a text (even though I am!)

thanks again

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 13/10/2009 13:41

I totally get what the OP means. I'm not a slave to my mobile and I can't stand it when people are, but I have one friend who doesn't return my texts despite my absolute knowlege that he is a mobile phone person.

In the pub, he sits with the phone in front of him, and immediately picks it up if a text appears. He then says to me oh sorry, just a minute, and texts back immediately.

But when I text him... nowt. In fact, I texted him recently with a direct question, he ignored it and then a day later sent me a generic joke with no personal message by text.

Obviously, it's him I'm a bit annoyed at. not mobile phones or the concept of texting. But whenever I say anything to him he just laughs and makes me feel I'm making a fuss about nothing, but it wouldn't be nothing if he was in front of me and ignored me when I spoke.

Loads of people don't really do texting, fair enough. But when people who do very much do texting ignore your texts, it is annoying.

wukter · 13/10/2009 13:52

Oh, that reminds me...

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 13/10/2009 14:17

I have a friend that hates it when you don't reply instantly to his messages, in fact I still need to reply to one he sent a little while ago but I was in town and haven't taken my phone back out my bag yet. I hate it when he's here he sits and texts back and forth constantly and it really does annoy me I was always under the impression that he had come for dinner and wine with dh and I and I
The only reason I actually checked it at all is because I was expecting to hear from DH and also dd is out with a friend and his mum today so just making sure it wasn't them.
I'm not being rude i'm just trying to juggle day to day things and have to prioritise.

If I have time there and then I reply instantly if I don't i'll get round to it.

I do know what you mean though about that desperation for the outside world but don't play games test if you can leave it until later if you're in the middle of something. I used to be such a slave to my phone and am glad actually I don't have to be anymore and I don't have time to be.

ScaryFucker · 13/10/2009 19:03

put. the. phone. away.

you would hate me as a mate then, cos I don't check my phone from one day to the next

I rarely text, am crap at it

and btw, I am a fantastic mate, just not a texter

2rebecca · 13/10/2009 23:13

I only respond to "need sorting out now" texts immediately, although even then as my phone is usually on silent it can be a while before I see them. Also my mobile doesn't work well in the house (but have a house phone and expect people to try that first on evening) so often don't get texts until I next leave the house.
If I knew someone was a phone obsessive and didn't reply to my texts I wouldn't get annoyed, I'd just feel disappointed that our friendship wasn't as close as I'd thought and would cool things a bit.

aurynne · 14/10/2009 05:29

I don't like mobile phones and only use texting to send a specific message with information in it (i.e. one that does not need a reply). If I intend a two-way conversation, I phone. My friends know this and respect it. I find most text conversations completely inane, and besides, they cost money!

TracksuitLover · 14/10/2009 09:22

Starbaby, I would feel the way you do - but I have been known to be paranoid, oversensitive and neurotic

Because I've got a 'thing' about hating feeling ignored or dismissed or unnoticed, I feel it is important for people to respond to each other quickly and I try to respond quickly myself. Some people haven't got a 'thing' about it though, they feel a lot more secure in themselves and wouldn't mind if you delayed replying to them, so it doesn't cross their mind that you might be upset if they didn't respond quickly to you.

When it's about arranging events to go to, people might need a bit longer to decide whether they really want to go, whether the time, place etc is ok for them, whether they can get babysitters if needed etc. I know I sometimes worry so much about the details of doing something that I immediately feel anxious when someone suggests doing something - even though I want to go out and do things. So I might put off replying.

There was once a man who would sometimes reply to my texts, and promptly, and other times I got no reply at all. Looking back on it I realise it was probably just because he didn't like me as much as I wanted him to and didn't want to 'encourage' me too much. It was hard to accept though and I kept humiliating myself by sending him more texts and giving him even more opportunities to reject me.

ChunkyKitKat · 14/10/2009 14:05

There are so many ways to communicate these days (I am in my forties): landline, mobile, then Email and Text messages. Technology

People do different things - I have to phone some friends up on their landlines as they'd never reply to a text, others by text messages and email, just find out what they respond to more easily.

One friend always leaves her answering machine on and forgets to return calls, never switches her mobile on and rarely reads her e-mails. I was concerned maybe I had upset her in some way (I am paranoid too!) as she hasn't returned my calls since before summer hols but heard from someone else she says "oh I must ring chunky" so it's just that she completely forgets to ring people. When she does phone she can be on the phone for over an hour.

ChunkyKitKat · 14/10/2009 14:07

Scaryfucker, I have some fantastic mates like you, I don't bother to text them!

ScaryFucker · 14/10/2009 14:56

very sensible and un-needy chunky !

ProcessYellowC · 14/10/2009 15:11

I am another one of those who often forgets to reply.

Why don't you take the plunge and call some people? I think quite a few of us have this insecurity that people don't want to talk to us or they are going to be doing something far more important than talking to us, but it is highly likely that someone will be delighted to hear from you. You could say what you've said here, "hey I'm a bit bored, need to talk to a mate, what's up with you?" Chances are you'll get a better answer than one that can be fitted into 300 characters.

rachels103 · 14/10/2009 15:18

I do know what you mean, as I get a bit hurt sometimes too - especially if it's a 'do you fancy meeting up at the park this afternoon' type text and people don't reply until after the event.
But as my dh pointed out, not everyone checks their phone straight away and if I want an immediate answer I should phone. Which I now do, having taken the point.
So, YANBU, but probably shouldn't get too offended as I'm sure the upset is not intentional.

scrimble · 14/10/2009 17:46

I've had this too though to be fair mostly from one particular friend. She is was a close friend tho' so it was pretty hurtful. She recently told me she doesn't reply any more because she 'can't be bothered'.

Nice.

And now she wonders why she doesn't see as much of me.

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