Why am I having second thoughts?

[Sshhbear]

I have posted a couple of times before but to cut a long story short, I am planning on leaving my DH in two weeks time. I have been fighting to get out for a number of years but he won't leave (it's pretty much my house financially) and when I've tried to leave in the past, he hasn't let me. He's not violent but has been emotionally abusive over the years. He used to smoke a lot (not cigs) but gave up 'again' 3 weeks ago. He doesn't contribute to the household financially - I pay the mortgage, child care, groceries, bills etc. He is constantly looking at porn on the net and recently tried to arrange meeting up with a girl he met on a 'let's have sex' website (it was actually me testing him once I found out he had signed up - he didn't know it was me until his email friend stood him up).

Anyway, he is going away in two weeks and I have arranged a rental property to move into. I have to sign the lease tomorrow at noon and I am having major second thoughts. I do care for my DH and he is a good father but I know he isn't good for me. Everyone knows this but for some reason, I just can't seem to get out. After years of trying to get out, why am I having major second thoughts now that the time has come? Is it only because we've had a pretty nice weekend or am I supposed to stay and work it out? Thoughts and advice would be really helpful.

Thanks

Well done for getting out.

Cargirl's post of yesterday afternoon is right, he is living with the consequences of his actions, he will now have to deal with it.

Unfortunately no. He's still expecting me to pick him up. I was thinking I might just have to text him to let him know I can't and then leave some keys out for him to get in to the house. Am I being unfair letting him walk into this or should I wreck his holiday and tell him over the phone.

Decisions decisions

I wouldn't go and pick him up if I were you. I also wouldn't worry about wrecking his holiday, if nothing else it is nearly over anyway.

Send him a text or phone telling him you won't be meeting him and that you have moved out. Remember that if he says anything horrid or just doesn't appear to be hearing what you are telling him that the phone has a disconnect button, use it if you have to.

You have done the right thing, just take things one day at a time.

Was he thinking about you and your children when he was looking on the 'let's meet for sex' website?

You are feeling anxious/scared but in all honesty he has bought this on himself. Perhaps text him something like, can't pick you up now, house keys are blah blah. Think about changing your mobile number, if contact has to be made do it via a third person or solicitor.

I don't think you ought to pick him up, can't you say car broken down or something, can't fix it till mid week...

If you pick him up, you'll be forced to explain to him on the spot. Plus he might force you to take him to the DC, and that's best not done immediately.

Perhaps a Dear John letter would deal with his immediate questions? Harsh I know, but there IS no easy way really.

I wouldn't tell him on holiday, it'll only make him panic miles away from home and there is no point to it.

The DC may take a wee while to settle, but they will settle in time. Have you got half term this week? Use this week to go out and explore all the fun things to do.

You've made the right move, stick to your guns.

Don't collect him from the airport.

Why pick him up?? Why is he on holiday without you and the DC, is he worried about you - you need to break this pattern if guilt and feeling bad for him!

Thanks for your comments everyone. I was feeling really alone today before logging onto Mumsnet.

Hey, that's a great one about the car because my car did break down just before he left. I guess I'm struggling with this because actually get along ok. There's lots of issues but he won't have even seen this coming this time. The last 6 months, I have just resigned myself to going along with things to save the arguments.

On second thought the car excuse will be brought up later and used against me. I guess I should just say, "Sorry. Can't pick you up from the airport. You'll understand when you get home. Keys in xxx". Then maybe turn the phone off so he can't call me while he's really worked up. I have been composing a letter in my head that I'll officially type up tomorrow evening to leave on the bench.

My younger kids usually go to daycare on Tues,Wed but I have arranged for a babysitter to look after them at home so he won't be able to just grab them from day care. My eldest boy is supposed to be going to school but it's just occured to me that he might show up at his school in an effort to find where we're staying. Maybe I'll have to keep him from school these days too.

I wonder how many days I should let him calm down. I can't keep the kids out of school forever.

That message is a good one Shhhbear, short and to the point. Use it!

I'd send your eldest to school but tell the school what has happened and that under no circumstances is he to be allowed to leave with your H.

Do you have to pick your eldest up from school or does he find his own way home?

I don't think my H would try to get my eldest as he is not his son. My eldest usually walks home from school but the house we've moved to is about another 2kms from the school so he will have to take the bus.

I guess I could ask the school to escort him to the bus stop. Where he stops is a main road where he has to go down a couple of lanes (no roads to cross) so I guess this should mean he won't easily be followed.

I guess the hardest part in all this is predicting what my H will do.

You will be imagining all sorts and none of them good.

Keep at the front of your mind why you have moved you HAVE done the right thing.

Hi everyone
I moved out 2 weeks ago and the fall out wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My DH was devastated of course but he has now taken a vow to better himself and become the man he can be. He understands that it may be too late to fix things between us but has given up all his bad habits (smoking pot), cigarettes, alcohol and having days off. Of course it's very early days but the interesting this is that we are now actually spending some quality time together for the first time in years.

It will be interesting to see how this all pans out because he does have the potential to be a great husband and he's finally over the challenge of blaming others for his shortcomings. If he can do what he's hoping to do, this move may have been the kick up the butt he's needed.

I'm not naive but I guess I have realised that I do miss his company and I hope he is able to become a better person out of all of this with or without me.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Has it worked out? Is there hope after all?