I am really confused please help!

[kimberalex]

Hi all sorry about the long thread but here i go

Ii have been with my at presend ex for 2 and a half years we were engaged and now have an 8 month old daughter..
His family live an hour away so we had went to stay over with them..And my oh went out on "a lads night out".Normally he comes in about 3 but 3 came and went basically he never came in all night.
So i went on facebook and asked his friends if any one had seen him..one of his firends that he was out with said "hes at his mams" to which i replied he isnt because iam here.
We tried ringing him and one of the times a lass answered and said I "had the wrong number"which i thought i had till i pressed redial and it wasnt....
Any way we got him on the phone and his mam said ah where are ya shall i pick you up...no ..which i thought highly suspicious..
When he did roll in he said he had been the drunkest he has ever been and he had stopped at his friends...the one that messaged me ion facebook saying he was at his mams...so i knew he was lying...I took my lo to have a nap and he had went for a walk.
When he came back he said"I have some thing to tell you",I knew already what it was as Iam not stupid and could put 2 and 2 together..he said"i have had a one night stand"
I promptly got all of our things together and a good friend brought me home..
He came the next day to see my lo as I wouldnt stop her seeing her dad..and started grovelling saying to give him another chance..
please bear in mind when we first got together he got drunk and kissed a gril in front of my face where i worked
then when i was 6 months pregnant went to the pub didnt tell me where he was i went to my grans he had come back and locked me out the house as he fell into a drunken sleep

so I told him he had had plenty of chances over the 2 years and sleeping with some one else was the icing on the cake..

Our relationship we were close but we were getting stuck in a rut he used to complain he was sick of "doing the same thing everyday"(which is what happens when you have a baby!)He used to drink heavily every weekend before I met him and i have always been a non drinker..

Then last week 4 days after he told me I made him tell me exactly went on and he said that he never actually slept with her he was that drunk he had got in a taxi to what he thought was going home and this "lass" had took him to hers he had colapssed on the bed she had tried to "go down on him"he pushed her off rolled over and went to sleep..then woke not remembering what he had done..
When I asked him why he hadnt said this sooner as a one night stand in my books is sleeping with someone he said i couldnt remember my self i have never been like that before...
He is still in the house as a the moment I cant afford to be a single parent and ava is used to him being around.

He said he wants me to give him another chance and he will prove he can be a good boyfriend and dad...which he has the house has never been so tidy and he listens and is even taking my lo swimming and he hates it..
Just makes me realise how underapprechated we were before and coz he thought he has lost me and my daughter he is bucking his ideas up.

Both my best friends say that he is full of poo is playing mind games and that i should get him out the house..but then it is my daughter and he has changed significantly..Am also afraid if i get back with him my friends will fall out with me..I told him that Iam not sure if i would ever be able to trust him again and thats not a great foundation of a relationship..and if i did it would take months and years and is it really all worth it?

Shall i move on and start looking for mr right again or see if he does what he is saying.

any help is highly apprecated!

kindest regards

alex

I think that the alcohol misuse is the issue here. If he is prepared to go on the wagon or at least agrees not to go out with his 'mates' and come home at 3, all good and well, but if not then I think you are in a really very difficult position.
Heavy drinking is not compatible with happy married life and parenthood, for one thing it is too expensive.
You both sound very young still, so there is a lot of hope that you will be able to turn matters around, but only if he is prepared to deal with the drinking.

Hi Alex
Don't worry too much about your friends. The true friends will stand by you.

Can you trust this man? If he goes out on his own, do you feel comfortable or worry that he will fool around? My bet is that you will worry because you don't trust him. Trust is a very easy thing to gain but once it's lost, it is very hard to get back.

You have to decide what's right for you. I never fully trusted my first husband and after 9 years finally worked out that he would continue cheating whenever the opportunity presented itself. When I left, I was sad but the relief was amazing. No more worrying!

Best of luck with everything. I hope you find your path.

HI all thanks for replying yeah the issue is alcohol he said he will never drink again..his mother and father are alcoholics cant go a day with out a drink...

We are both 22

Yeah he does work..Am scared about going on benefits although i have worked all my life untill I got pregant I just feel I wouldnt be able to give my daughter what she needs..

Correction reality selfish immature scumbag fuck wit

It really makes me angry that he has thrown away his family and everything we have strived to make together for 2 years..For one night..Then it really doesnt make sense why he wouldnt tell me he hadnt actually slept with her?

People have said go out live your life do the same to him but i have to be responsible I always have as I left home at 15 and been through so many trials and tribulations..domestic abuse/sexually abused/miscarriage I was very depressed when I met him and taking a lot of tablets but gradually came off them and panic attacks lessened..also had postnantal depression..

And he knows all i have been through and still does it but on the other hand i have been through all these things and I know this is quite small in comparison..Just I need some level headed people to tell me what they think especially other mums as my daughter is my number one priority

thank you so much for your replies
xxx

He did shag her. He is just trying to backtrack and gain your forgiveness by playing it down and insisting that he pushed her away. Why did he not get up and leave once he realized where he was? Why when she was going down on him, not trying to, did he not get up and say "I'm leaving, I have a partner and daughter waiting for me at home", instead of rolling her over and shagging her going to sleep?

Wouldn't trust him as far as he can shoot his cheating load to be honest. He's 22 - he won't stop drinking, it's what young lads do, especially ones who have always done it. Is this what you're going to have to worry about every time he goes out?

Well, if he IS prepared to give up drinking and sticks by it, you have a good future ahead of you.
I would tell him that he is out the minute he comes home over the limit and stick by it.
Name calling is not going to help anybody.
Work at it together, see if there is something you can do together as a family.
I wish you all the luck in your life. You have been through a lot and deserve a bit of happiness.

He said that he was so drunk..and he has never been that drunk before(not sticking up for him just telling you what he said)but then thats an excuse..his mam thinks he has been spiked but then again she would stick up for him

His best friend who is a really good bloke said he doesnt understand as he has been really drunk before and when lasses have tried it on he has said no i have a fiancee and daughter..he said he was there one minute he went to the toilet and he was gone..

He said he will never drink again if thats what it takes to get his family back..

one side is telling me to run like fook but then i look at ava and how she gets all excited and happy when he comes in (daddys girl)..

Then again he is quite crafty doing all this and the way he has done it makes me feel guilt..I think I need a holiday..
xxxx

"I know this is quite small in comparison.."

No, it isn't.

He is exposing you to diseases.
He is a liar. He will always lie. You know in your heart the "good boy" mode is another lie.

He is demonstrating sincere disrespect for you. You might as well not exist, not emotionally anyway.

He is an alcoholic-he will always have the bottle as his number one priority. I would have trouble having him mind the child on his own knowing this.

"Taking dc swimming even though he hates it" is not a demonstration of his caring capabilities for his child-no matter how he stages the act.

Boot him out. ASAP.
Let him dry out on his own time, then say in a year or two (yes, I meant a significant amount of time) you will consider having him in your home again.

You have been through some significant "life" for your young age. Why would you choose to stay with him when you know it will just be more grief/anxiety/frustration everyday? You do not deserve this kind of life. Spare yourself- not to mention your precious little angel.

Sorry to seem so preachy! But really, this one is a "no-brainer".

What makes it worse is that he knew I wanted more children after having Ava and he said he didnt now he is saying he wants more children and marrige!

I said theres no way iam bringing another baby into this because you feel guilty..

No he isnt an alcoholic he doesnt drink every day his parents do..he used to drink a lot before he met me..
I would NEVER EVER leave my daughter with some one who has a drinking problem!!I might be young but iam not stupid..

the one good thing i can say is he is very good with ava

I cant even use the excuse that everyone makes mistakes because i have done nothing of the sort to hurt or make him angry..nor can he use the excuse of being drunk either as no matter how drunk you still know what you are doing..

I have told him he needs to find a job in redcar and move back down there..but after 2 years of being with some one being on my own seems daunting I just wish when i met him i had stuck to my motto that i was happy to be by myself
I always said if he cheated he would be out and would never see Ava but they whole thing just doesnt add up..my head is up my arse!
again thanks for the replies

Hi there every one thank you so much for being so brutally honest I posted this in other mums forums and basically where on his side!thank god for mums net!!

Well we are not together anymore..Iam a great single parent and I love it having the house to myself!

Quite pathetic the mind games he tried to play with me and still does and then I even get his pathetic mother on the phone!

My social worker friend has also told him that if he plans to get custody of Ava he has a battle on his hands..

So thanks again guys for all your support!!big hugs and kisses from alex and ava may xxx

Well done kimberalex. I bet you are a great single parent, and I bet your DD will be better off with just you and not the ex to mess with her mind and heart.

What happened to tip you into cutting him off, if you don't mind me asking?

I missed your thread in Oct, Alex but I am glad to see this now

how wonderful that you saw the light and realised this man would never be what you wanted him to be

there are lots of ladies on MN who are much older than you, who now regret putting up with this kind of twattish behaviour over a long period of time

I say never too late to rid yourself of a twat, but miles better to do it before he has time to grind you down and rob you of your self-esteem

well done !