Please advise me what is wrong with me

[morningstar]

I have always suffered from depression never really admitted it to anyone just dealt with it, since I have been with my partner I have changed a lot he said Im not the girl I used to be.I will admit I am never happy with what I have and I have a lot to be grateful for I have two lovely children but my partner and I have grown apart. I feel lonely unloved and so unfilled in my life, he works long hours and I feel a single mum .
I love him but I have changed so much I feel I dont have a life anymore and everything is such a effort, all I want to do is sleep and this is what I have started to look forward to everyday i have always suffered with my kidneys and everyone has started to say I look ill,when my children go to bed I feel happy to have me time, my best friend is a glass of wine , I was told I had PND been put on Citropram 40 mg have recently gone down to 20 mg I have been on PND tablets for 3 years what is wrong with me and where do I go from here please help me will this ever change I dont know who to talk to you MN is all I have xx.

Bumping this for you, Morningstar.
I don't have any words of wisdom, but I'm sure someone will be along soon with some x

Please Advise Me

Morningstar I used to be like you describe but without the wine. I used to wake in the morning and think about getting back again in the evening. I had PND for a few years unfortunately and a DH who also worked long hours so I felt like a single parent. He would be gone for 15hrs easily and with no family around it was very hard. I did have friends with little ones too and that obviously helped. Are you able to get out, meet family or friends? Thats what you need more than anything, support because pnd is just awful and it is not a choice. Is your DH supportive when he is at home and help you out at all. I hope he understands and supports you. Come on MN as often as you need to, I have heaps of support over the years and it really does help even if nothing really changes at home you at least know you are being heard. Do you have a close friend you can really talk to? Stick in there, pnd does not last forever, you will get through this and you have 2 lovely babies too!

Hi there morningstar, I would suggest that you visit your g.p and have a chat about how your feeling maybe get a review on your meds and he may be able to refer you to someone who can help with depression and possible links/triggers. Hope your ok.

Maybe even go back to the drs and tell them how you are feeling. Try, if you can, to make a little time for DH (you say you feel unloved). I neglected my DH quite badly when I had pnd and it did our marriage no favours whatsoever. He may be feeling quite neglected too you know.

My husband workds long hours too and I have very little help from my family as they live too far away. I feel terribly isolated a lot of the time as we have moved so often with my DH job. I find it difficult to make new friends and the isolation contributes to my depression big time.

Things have improved - slightly - but like you I console myself with wine in the evenings. I have cut back enormously and can see the benefits.

Try to find alternative ways to relax in the evening - I know its hard. I find that if I curl up in bed with a book I dont want to drink. Go and talk to your GP and review your medication.

Please come and talk whenever you need to - theres always someone here to listen.

Hello morningstar, I'm sorry you're feeling so awful, depression is so debilitating.

I agree with mo3g, talk to your doctor asap and tell him what you've told us. You need someone to listen to you properly, to look at your medication and decide if it needs changing AND most importantly to refer you to a good counsellor.

You also need kindness. Do you have friends around? I can understand that your partner doesn't quite "get it" - quite often they don't, it seems. Can you afford to get a babysitter once a week and just go out? See a friend, or go to the cinema?

It's hard work looking after children, no matter how lovely they are, especially when your partner's not around much. My dh never comes home before 1am, so I know what you mean about feeling like a single parent.

Morningstar, I am just going to bed, but noticed your post.

Breaking the cycle is really really tough.

The depression saps your ability to do anything and the less you do the worse it gets. I have been to a similar place to you and the best thing I did for myself was give up drinking. Although I understand how hard that must be when you find it such a comfort. BUT depression likes alcohol and alcohol likes depression.

Your life won't change overnight but you can turn things around, little by little, and as you start to notice changes, it motivates you to do more. It sounds like your self esteem is pretty low and I am for you.

Me time is important, and I would really suggest trying to find a little something to do with it. Oh god....crosswords, sudoku, a craft, is there a night when DP could be with the children and you could access an adult education course?

can you talk to your doctor about CBT, or more effective ways of managing your depression, rather than just 'dealing' with it? I know sometimes it is not that simple, but recognising when you need fresh air, or company might help.

Can you ask DP for help in trying to find the 'real' you? Acknowledge that you realise you have changed but that it would be lovely if he could help you and maybe spend some more time together.

Each time you achieve something, give yourself a pat on the back. Depression makes the ordinary seem insurmountable so recognise that you are doing a great job under trying circumstances. I know so well how hard it is and someone made me laugh about depression saying 'the only way to eat an elephant is one spoon at a time'.

So, OK, it is going to be a challenge but keep posting on here, be kind to yourself and I would strongly advise that you speak to a doctor about the fact that you want to move forward in life, and not just remain on AD's, which I think can numb you to so much.

Wishing you all the best and I hope even a little bit of this helps somehow.

I am coming out of the longest depression I have ever suffered and if I could do anything for someone in that place, would gladly do so.

The 'other you' is in there somewhere and she just needs coaxing back out to play in the sun.

Take care and be kind to yourself. xx

Thank you to you all for your kind words it has meant alot to me,ntoday I have decided to do something for myself, and go back to hairdressing ,for once im really happy and excited im qualified but been out of it for 10 years I have had a door opened for me and may have a chance to get into a salon with a old friend and some nice people.
As for the meds im going back to see the doctore next week to get some help as I want to change and get pulled out of this hole that I have been stuck in its nice to know there our people out there that care thank you. xx

Morningstar I am that you are feeling so much more positive today, and really hope that in time you turn things around for yourself. (perhaps we can swap notes in a years time).

All the very best of luck xx