All falling apart again

[togoornot]

Just before i go in to details, i have posted before. Brief history:

Together 8 years.
1 ds (3 yo)
has been violence from both sides
dreadful arguments, awful things said
been to counselling (past and now)
dh shows alot of aspergic traits
i left a year ago and got involved with xp
recently discovered dh looking at bdsm websites, he lied in past about looking at such stuff
had an op few weeks after discovering porn stuff and dh didn't try to make amends beforehand
I had decided i wanted to split up and told him soon after op, he did/said nothing. few weeks later i asked him if we could have one last try, he agreed.

So that's where we are now, supposedly giving things one last go and seeing counsellor regularly together. Also i have no contact anymore with xp.

Last night though things were awful. It's my birthday in 3 weeks and dh knows i like to have something to look forward to. (it 's his in a week too and he knows i booked something for us weeks ago and asked him about presents about a month ago). last night he asked where i wanted to go for my bday and i came up with a suggestion but as it's a new restaurant, likely to be very, very popular. we'd discussed that it might already be fuly booked (as my bday on a saturday) so he' need to book it v quickly. After we'd talked about it, i went off to do a few things and really hoped he'd get on and book it. i waited and he did nothing, just sa twatching tv. I told him that it was upsetting we'd just had to chat about how popular it'd be and he got angry and said he was going to do it at lucnchtime today and why should he have to do it straight away. I got really upset and he got really angry - i was esp upset as i've made such an effort for him and my last 2 birthdays have been crap (due to him ). he started tanting at me and i tried to shut him up by putting my hand over his mouth (v bad i know), he tehn elbowed me off in the area where i had a recent op (think i was an accident). I told him what he;'s done, and he said i shouldn't have been touching him, true i know. there was no concern from him at all though. Then a bit later argumetn contined in kitchen, i was standing infrot of him and he tried to pusch past me, i lost my balance and feel on floor and bumped my head - he carried on ranting whiel i lay there. Atfer a while he came back and asked me to get up.

Needless to say we slept in separate rooms last night and he ame in and stroked my head this morning, i told him to get off and he went to work. Next counselling appt is in a few days, wondering if it's worth carrying on?

thanks mrs boogie. I called him earlier and we did manage to talk about things. it did get very heated but we ended on a ok sort of note. I probably should give up on the idea of him doing lots of planning etc or even suggesting going out much. Guess if want to go out i should arranage it, not worth all the rows and uncertainlity of leaving anything to him

6 of one, half a dozen of another...

personally, I think you would both be happier with other relationships

you want him to be something he isn't, nor is he ever going to be

from his point of view, you sound like a right 'mare (I mean that nicely )

you are going round in circles, and neither of you seem to have the emotional maturity to behave decently to each other, nor to decide you have nothing left to save

see you in 6 months time......

If he is AS, when you say, "I don't want to do anything for my birthday now", he will take it literally. If you are looking for someone who will coax and cajole you to change your mind, it will not occur to him to do this.

Thanks for all your comments. Things a bit calmer between us now but i'm in a real state. Feel like the stress of the last year has caught up wit me and feel in a state of complete stress and anxiety. Last night wanted to hit myslef (did this years ago when very stressed adn frustrated). it scared me as i haven't felt that intensity of feeling for so long. Dh was angry and said he refused to tbe int he room with me if i'm like that. I was getting hysterical asking him to humg me, but he refused to come near me for a while. hae tried to get a doctors appt but nothing available til next week. I have some prozac here, and have taken one as i'm sure that's what dr will recommend

Togo,
I really feel very for your situation, but by now you must surely realise that begging your husband to hug you is not going to achieve anything. If, as you suggest, he really is AS, he will find it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to show emotions and feelings in the way you want. AS manifests itself as among other things, a range of social difficulties. They are very real and not imagined. It is probably not that he doesn't 8want to do as you ask, but that he can't* do it. I once spoke to a very respected female who was diagnosed AS at the age of around 40. She told me that what you and I see as 'bloddy mindedness' on the part of someone with AS, is actually something that they have very little, if any, control over. Physical contact is a typical area of difficulty. She also told me that when she is put in the position of having to do some of these things that you and I take for granted, such as giving eye contact, touching, even listening to loud(ish) music, it causes real, physical pain to her and to many AS sufferers.

I think you have got into a cycle of wanting things to be done because you want them to be done, without really thinking about the consequences for your husband.

I think you shouls go to your GP today and tell them you need to be seen. I suggest your feelings regarding possible self harm would make this an emergency situation and GPs are supposed to keep some appointments each day for emergencies.

I also suggest you and your husband make an appointment to discuss having him assessed for AS, because if I remember correctly, this suggestion was made by your counsellor, not by somebody who is actually qualified to make such a diagnosis. Yes, she may have had a lot of experience working with AS people, but she is not entitled to make a diagnosis.Once you have a diagnosis, you can then get support from various groups and only then, once you fully understand the implications for all three of you, can you make a properly informed decision about the way forward for you as a family.

I think you've had a lot of good advice on this thread - combination of your (sorry) high-maintenance tendencies and your DH's possible AS is not a happy one!

But i think your not name-changing and making the OP much more even-handed showed real progress (hope that didn't sound patronising, wasn't meant to!), so maybe change is possible. I wish you the best with it.

gosh, poor you. To be honest I think most men would struggle with that scenario (hysterically demanding hugs) irrespective of any AS traits in their personality and would get angry in that situation.

You need to find a way to express yourself without being so melodramatic - or you will drive him away and yourself insane. Can you try to mentally step outside the situation and objectively observe your behaviour? do you now feel embarassed about behaving like that? You must try to get control of yourself.

Life is too short to be so unhappy when you don't have to be.

I think that would be the thing for me, dittany, not the not booking a restaurant which we´d jointly decided on!

dittany, thanks for your comments but it was ne who grabbed him first and he accidentally elbowed me. I've been accised of making dh sound like the villan before so just wanted to put things straight. yes, i did get broken fingers once, when i was forcing my way into a roomn he; gone into to get away from me, he accidentally shut it on me

Togo, in the past I have probably come across as quite harsh in my comments to you. I don't intend to be unkind, but I do believe in being truthful and sometimes it is very hard to do that nicely. I want to just tell you how much I admire the way you are being much more open about the whole situation this time round. I hope that you will listen to some of the advice, or at least do your own research into what AS actually means for the families that livewith it.

You also need to decide how you feel about his use of porn etc. Because whilst you might decide you love him and that you want to stay together, it may be that it just won't be possible without a lot (or even too much) compromise on your part. AS folk are much more 'black and white' about things than most of us and therefore almost any compromise will have to be on your side. I do not think there are too many people who could live their life like that, knowing that they will always be the one giving way on matters where there is a mismatch of opinion. And all the time, wanting and needing to feel loved, cherished and desired by the person you love. And there is a very real chance that he will never be able to be that person, not because he doesn't love you, but because he just cannot show it in the way you want. I know I couldn't do it. I really do hope you can work out what is best for you, your DS and your DH. I don't think he is a villain here, just somebody struggling to live in our very 'touchy feely' world, when every fibre of his being tells him that he cannot be like that.

for you all.