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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My Husband has left me

21 replies

megmums · 07/10/2009 22:21

Going to try and keep this succint - but so much to say.

I have posted on here before, first about suspecting my H of having ana affair, then when he confessed and promised to change and that he wanted to be with me forever.

He moved out about 8 weeks ago, staying nearby with a friends. I was angry at first, then calmed down and decided to make a go of it, for myself and our dd. (We moved here a year ago - miles from family and friends, close to his job). It was hard at first, he felt crushed - had no space, that's why affair started.

Now he says he loves me, i am important, but he does not see our marriage working. He still loves the other woman, i suspect as much as me, although he says it is over between them, and she hates him. He won't go to marriage counselling - just wants to give up.

Says will support me until i decide to move back nearer family.

He clearly has issues with growing up, hates birthdays, hates responsibilty in personal life (but has a responsible job).

My dd is the happiest child ever, nearly 2 now. But tonight i cried constantly in front of her - as all this came to fruition by text messages from him - he didn't even have the decency to come over to do it - he did it by text.

OP posts:

colditz · 07/10/2009 22:22

Oh the coward. What a maggotty excuse for a man!

FlightAttendant · 07/10/2009 22:23

Sorry

This sounds very painful.

SqueezyCheesyPumpkin · 07/10/2009 22:25

Oh sorry

Him having issues is not an excuse for treating you like crap and having an affair. Don't accept that because it is not true. Plenty of people have backgrounds that are maybe not ideal but they don't all end up doing what he has done or acting the way that he has.

He is a Loser.

scroobiuspirate · 07/10/2009 22:27

i am sorry, you must be in a really bad place.

is there any chance you can get him to go and talk to someone.

my dh left, and that was that. I wish we had gone and talked to someone, to get a jolt, iyswim?

Have you anyone to talk with?

scroobiuspirate · 07/10/2009 22:29

what i think i meanis, sometimes when blokes are in a self inflicted corner, they just do not think as rationally as us, and opt out. I mean blokes who have real problems with responsibility etc...

sometimes, just sometimes it is possible to work at things.

Original poster

megmums · 07/10/2009 22:30

I've got counselling tomorrow, which is a lucky coincidence. H admitted tonight (when i phoned him) that yes he probably does need counselling, i told him to see a doctor - practically begged him, and he told me not to worry about him anymore. He is definately depressed.

OP posts:

Doha · 07/10/2009 22:34

He says he will support you until you decide to move back to family .
Does he not know that he will be supporting his family for a lot longer than that.
KNOB

VirginiaLoveGlove · 07/10/2009 22:34

my thoughts exactly Doha.

overmydeadbody · 07/10/2009 22:39

am gonna echo colditz, what a coward of a man!

This must be a big shock to you, please don't think you are doing anything wrong by cring in front of your DD though, it is good for children to see that adults, and particularly their parents, feel and express a wide range of emotions.

Good luck with everything, stay strong.

Agree with Doha too.

ScaryFucker · 07/10/2009 22:39

another one communicating life-changing decisions by text ??

what utter, utter shittiness

you deserve better megmums (I remember your other thread, btw)

please do not hang on for this man

cut him loose

if he comes to his senses, all well and good

but you cannot make him sort his act out, and you cannot force him to love you

he sounds in an utter mess, but he will drag you down with him if you let him

save yourself, your children, and above all, your self-respect

TheCrackFox · 07/10/2009 22:42

Excuse the language but he sounds like a right cunt. Put you and your DCs first.

Original poster

megmums · 07/10/2009 22:44

Thanks everyone.

H will support me as long as he has to - i know that, just has to pay his share mortgage/bills now - into joint account, then if we sell it will just be child maintenance.

Does anyone know if i can get tax credits as a single mother if we still own house together and have joint account for mortgage/bills only? I really need some extra income, although i have just got promoted and earning more than ever have before, i will have to give this up when i leave!! aarrgh he has messed me around in so many ways.

OP posts:

Doha · 07/10/2009 22:47

Someone will come on soon l hope who can advise you on this but remember
you dont have to sell the house yet
you will get council tax reduction
yes you can get tax credits

Keep strong...

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 07/10/2009 22:58

How old IS he?

He does sound like he needs help.

Good you have your counselling, perhaps you can tell him how helpful you found it, and perhaps he might find some way to get himself some? or even better you both have counselling.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and yes this fatal blow by text thing is really shitty...

Tell him you love him, tell him you don't want to lose him and that you can work with him on this. Try and get him to get some help, but if he really doesnt want help, there is nothing you can do about it. If that is the case, you need to put some distance between yourself and him.

Oh, yes, and if he starts doing this shitty text thing again, switch your phone OFF! Remove the SIM, and don't peek.

Don't allow him to get away with that again, that's just too harsh, and you do deserve more of a flipping explanation/respect from him than that.

Can you go visit friends/family for a bit? You need some head space and a change of scene. If you do get to go away, make sure you leave your phone off, or even better, at home.

He needs to do some serious soul searching, some growing up and some harsh reality checking. But this is something only he can do for himself.

Don't panic, it'll either work, or it won't, but you WILL be ok, it will be alright.

Original poster

megmums · 07/10/2009 23:03

Thanks 6feet. He had a birthday this week, 31 now, hates it.

I told him to come over in the morning to take dd to nursery and give her a bath as i was too upset this evening, he said he would and he ended the text with 'night babe i love you' like he hadn't just left me!!! I was furious, for gods sake he can't say that anymore and not want to be with me!

I hope he gets help if we stay together or now, or he will grow to be a very lonely emotionally inept man.

OP posts:

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 07/10/2009 23:23

Hmm, 31 eh? that'd be exactly it.... Milestone+1. You moved up there when he was turning 30? You didn't know anyone except each other, you were all kinda lost in a new place together, and of course you and DD relied on him 100% Hmm, IME, that's a horrid situation... Men don't shoulder responsibility too well sometimes, IMHO of course... My DH was awfully odd at 40, but thankfully didn't do anything stupid.

Not wanting to get your hopes up, but perhaps you might feel better by turning this thing around on it's head...

He's coming round to help DD, for you, he's texted you with night babe, love you.

I think scroobius had a good point. Men can be really bloody stupid when they think they've really stuffed things up.

He's come clean to you, and sounds like the other woman thing is over, he finished it, cos the affair was a wrong thing to do. I don't think he loves her, and never in a million years as much as he loves you.

I think he knows he made a massive mistake and can't forgive himself for it. This is why he says 'Don't worry about me anymore..' Counselling can help him with the guilt, perhaps i=t can help with the age, responsibility thing.

Can you forgive him for the affair?

If so, I think you might be able to turn this around...

Go get some rest, you need to look your best tomorrow! LOL!

dollius · 07/10/2009 23:48

Bollocks to looking your best tomorrow. He has to do all the work if you are going to get back together.

It doesn't matter if he "can't forgive" himself. What matters now is how he is going to support the family HE created.

And yes, LOL at the "I'll support you until you go back to your family". He has to support you for good now.

GypsyMoth · 07/10/2009 23:59

Need to look your best tomorrow?? She doesn't 'need ' to do anything.

Too many excuses for this man and his behaviour.

ScaryFucker · 08/10/2009 07:09

you don't need to worry about him anymore ?

lets hope he has done the decent thing and topped himself then.....

< slaps self >

skyward · 08/10/2009 08:59

Not sure some of these responses are helpful. Anyone can make mistakes and do something that they wouldn't ever thought'd they'd do -it's called being human and no-one knows how they would behave in any given situation until they are in it. I don't think you should necessarily get back together with him, but understanding why things have happened can only be a good thing - and he is your daughter's dad at the end of the day so you need to try to at least get on for her sake. And don't feel bad for crying in front of her - like someone else said children need to realise that adults feel various emotions too. Good luck.

tiredoftherain · 08/10/2009 11:12

oh megmums, I am sorry. My story is spookily similar to yours, down to moving away for the same reasons, at the same age, and it wasn't a happy ending for us either, as you know from posting on my thread. I truly believe that H had a bit of a midlife crisis and something had to give - unfortunately it was his family.

Look after yourself as much as you can. It's a horribly confusing time, I totally understand that, but don't let him mess with your head. If your gut feel is that it's over and you can't come back from this, just keep moving things on a bit at a time, at your own pace. If you feel there is something to salvage, go for it. Only you really know how you feel.

Can you get anyone to come and stay with you? I've managed to make some good friends where I live, but they're no substitute for the old ones, and your family.

Flip