what makes a good relationship?

[lassmichschlafen]

I've been lurking for a little while, mainly on the relationships threads because of my, um, own history in this department.

Anyway, I've come to the realisation that I have no idea what a "normal" relationship is/would be. My parents' relationship was poor (alcoholic/facilitator); ex was a bullying control freak. It took me a good 10 years to be able to break free from him and the damage is still not quite healed.

I now have a lovely, gorgeous new man. He is not a talker, but does things for me. He is concerned about me, asks about things that have happened to me. Though he does prove he is human now and then by doing something a bit selfish! Of course, what I need to do now is stop panicking that this will come crashing down because I don't deserve it.

what I'd like to know is - what does a "normal relationship" look like? what kinds of things happen in your house - good and bad?

hmmm a normal relationship you say, wish they done a book on them .
relationships take time, respect, trust, love etc.... oooo and fun lots of fun. as long as you still love each other and enjoy each others compant then all is is good, btw arguments in a relationship are pretty normal its bound to happen lol. they are male after all.

sorry meant

A good relationship requires communication and the desire to understand and acknowledge the feelings of your partner, even if you don't agree with them sometimes.
You've got to put them first sometimes and vice versa, know when to open your mouth but also know when not to say anything and just listen.
Mutual trust and respect goes without saying, as does being supportive.
Above all, honesty - my husband can be brutally honest with me, he tells me everything, even if he knows it will upset me and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I can deal with the truth, even if it hurts but lies, no way.

It's taken me 25 years to figure all this out btw!

1. Separate bathrooms

1. Equal enthusiasm about shagging

1. Making each other laugh

1. Biting one's tongue on occasion.

18 years and counting!

Me and DW have a good relationship. We have been together 25 years and married 20 years last month. We have been through very hard times together, severe illness, job loss, having children. Normal things that happen to couples that can break a marriage.

What has always been good is we are absolutely best friends and always have been. We do as you describe, we do things for each other, are concerned about each other, ask about things the other has done. We also try very hard to still be 'lovers' and go on dates together and stil dress for each other and stop things getting in a rut and not take each other for granted.

Very few things are bad. The occassional arguement of course but try not to hold grudges, occasisonally we are impatient with each other but try not to be. We are I suppose both occasionally a little selfish but everyone needs their space.

You sound frightened your happiness will go away but really the best way to keep someone is to return their love. You don't say in your post what you do for your man. It has to be two way - giving as well as receiving.

ABetaDad - i wish there were more men like you in the world!

megmums - oh I dont know about that. I left the bin lid up last night and it was half full of rain water this morning. DW was not best pleased.

Remembering that
"it's not always rainbows and butterflies,
it's compromise that moves us along"

from a v poor song, by a v poor band, but v true

lots of time apart.
Great sex

Agree with jasper on both, but the time apart is crucial I think.

Me and dh lived 200 miles apart for the first 5 years of the relationship, but are still here 12 years on. We still have alone time now, keeps us sane

Mutual Respect
Trust.
Laughter
Honesty
Freedom to be yourself/himself without fear of criticism or rejection.
Common goals, especially when it comes to money!
Being happy and content with yourself without having to rely on the other person for that.
Independence. Not living in each others' pockets.

Everything that ABetaDad said.

Have been together with DH for 15 years and have been through a lot - infertility, chronic health issues, young children, families.

We like each other.

thanks for your replies. I can't post much now because I have to start the process of turfing a child out of bed.

to answer ABetaDad - I like to think that I do things for him, the things he does for me, I do back or similar. Ask about his day, listen to him if he has a rant to get off his chest etc. The thing is that I'm so used to creeping around someone and trying not to be noticed, that I can't be sure if what I'm doing is what my new man wants. I'm used to trying to do things, but contantly being wrong, so choosing not to do something became safer IYSWIM. I'm frightened of getting it wrong and this bubble bursting. He knows my history, though, so he's aware of what's whirling around my head.

For us, it's about:

laughing together

taking time to talk every day

trusting that the other person never wants us to feel small (we can argue, but we never overstep the line where things would really hurt)

not letting the sun go down on our anger
taking an interest in what the other person does

regularly doing things together at weekends

sharing household chores and childcare

sharing decision making

having interests of our own- like

taking it in turns to be strong iyswim

flibertygivet said, not relying on the other person to make us happy

not getting upset if we have different opinions

We are very different people: different culture, different mother tongue, different religion, different education, but we've been together for 26 years- through childbirth, and poverty, and bringing up two children with disabilities and chronic health problems, and even some pretty ghastly stuff like suspicions of child abuse from outside.