Does a genuine apology make it OK?

[OrmIrian]

Dh acted quite twattishly on Sunday - not seriously but very thoughtless at a time when I needed his support more than normal. I was extremely cross at the time but tried not to express it as the DC were there and I didn't want them to see mummy losing it again Next day DH had to go to work, kids had to go to school, I was working from home (also sick as a dog). So just got on with it and fumed a little like a dormant volcano.

DH rang me about 11am and said sorry and admitted that he had been a twat. I instantly forgave him and excused him, and then apologised for giving him a hard time. Why?

Does anyone else do that?

We're all human if he meant it then why shouldn't it be enough?

No, what I do is way more mature. I hold a grudge, pretend to have accepted the apology but continue to seethe quietly. And then I forget all about it because I have a mind like a sieve, so within a day or so DH has got away with the twattishness entirely.

Yeap OrmIrian I kick myself anytime I do it, but good that he rang and apologised my dh would have waited until he got home.

I think a genuine apology, if it really is genuine, does sort of make it ok. And I don't think there's anything wrong in you then also apologising for giving him a hard time - so long as you're not implying in your apology that your giving him a hard time was the equivalent of what he'd done to provoke it in the first place. I mean, an apology on both sides for hurt caused doesn't mean that it was 50/50.

I like things to be sorted out agreably. But I always do it. Even when he had been really awful. The s-word just blows away all my defences.

I think that's really great, one that he apologised, and the other that you did too for getting cross at him.

Mark of a healthy relationship there!

if you were giving him a hard time, why not say sorry? I don't quite understand

and yes, a properly intended sorry (without a .... but.... excuse at the end) should wipe away the wrong-doing, unless it was to batter you black and blue or something like that - sorry just doesn't cut the mustard then!

Actually I think if he deserved to be given a hard time, you shouldn't have said sorry. Also, going by what you've said you didn't give him a very hard time at all.

It can be automatic to join in with the apologising sometimes, even if you've done nothing to apologise for.

I should add, you were right to accept his apology, but acted a bit of a doormat by apologising yourself. In my opinion.

I think you should retract your apology

I don't know... I think a genuine apology does help, but at the same time, the word "sorry" is not an eraser, it doesn't undo the action of the other person.

I always find it a bit when someone says they're sorry and then gets angry when the other person doesn't immediately get over whatever the issue is - they don't seem to realize that the consequences of their actions don't immediately go away just because they've flung out "I'm sorry, all right??!"

In our house, nobody says sorry alone. No matter how awful one of us (er, him) has been, if there's a sincere apology then the other one (er, me) always says sorry too.

I think it's a nice way to draw a line and move on. As long as the initial apology isn't a grudging half-hearted attempt but is actually heart felt, then I'd say accept it, say sorry too (for whatever kicked it off) and let it go.

Usually our rows go like this:

MZ does something mildly annoying such as leave crumbs on work surface.

DP overreacts wildly, using sweary words.

MZ refuses to engage in discussion of crumb issue until DP can discuss like adult.

DP fumes quietly, rolls eyes and generally behaves like outraged headmaster.

Time passes.

DP realises he has acted like a total twat, admits it and says he's sorry.

MZ says that's ok babe, sorry about the crumbs.

Peace reigns for another month

Hey morris - I think I may be related to your DP... Crumbs hack me off...but in my defence only because they are the last straw (in terms of domestic chaos).

ghoulish - I don't know why I feel I shouldn't. Perhaps because if he 'gets away with it' so easily he'll do it again? To be fair he wouldn't these days (i think I have beaten him into submission ) but in the past he did - and I still used to accept his apology and then apologise myself. It seems so wet.

Yes jacks - Dh is like that. If I say sorry he still sulks for a bit. Whereas sorry for me is like wiping all the clouds away.

OrmIrian and MorrisZap: 'tis exactly the same in our household. If/when dh says sorry and he means it all my anger just disappears in a flash. And I apologise for whatever fault I had. He does sulk a bit longer when I do say sorry I must admit.

I think it depends. If someone has genuinely upset you, even when they say sorry, you can still feel upset.
Sorry doesnt just erase feelings.
My DP thinks sorry is his "get out of jail free card"! He says sorry thinking that has to be the end of the argument, and if I mention it again he gets all narky saying "I said I was sorry.
I think as long as they really mean it and don't do whatever it is again, then that's good, but not if they just say it to shut you up.

FWIW, in a similar situation I would probably have done the very same as you: accapted the appology and appologised myself as well, not because I am a doormat but because I think in most arguments a couple can have it is not usually that clear cut as to who actually pushed the other's button first IYSWIM?
Would be thinking differently if your DH had been violent which does not appear to be the case from your OP.

Violent? No, never. Just particularly selfish at a time when I needed him to particularly supportive.

I don't accept apologies. They are manufactured and designed to squash whatever the other person has done or said when if they had any respect they would never have said or done it. Examples include abuse from ex which he would then apologise for and I've had to accept out of worry he'd kick off again. Friends who can't be arsed with you in any way shape or form and then apologise for not contacting you?! If you don't like me anymore just say so, it removes any doubt and I don't have to waste phone credit sending unanswered texts. Not saying you shouldn't accept of course, I'm just having an everyone is shit day. Which they are it's not subjective.

Ah... OK junglist.