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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dad is the main carer - relationship break-up

57 replies

ohnobaby · 06/10/2009 09:12

Hi, a friend of mine is married to a Romanian woman. He lost his job about 6 months ago and since then his wife has worked full-time and he's been the main carer for his son who is now 13 months old. They're not getting on too well and she's talking about divorce and taking their son back to Romania. Can this happen? I was under the impression that if he was the main carer he would have the same rights as the 'mother' so to speak? Surely she can't just take their son when he's been the main carer for 6 months? Would he not be entitled to custody? Thanks guys

OP posts:
diddl · 07/10/2009 08:32

Aside from who the main carer is-he´s done it for 6 months, she did it for 7, would the mother be allowed to take the baby out of the country,even if she was given custody?

Snorbs · 07/10/2009 09:16

Provided the mum had the child's passport, and the dad had made no application to court, she almost certainly could remove the child from the UK - all she'd have to do is say she was going on holiday. Technically this is child abduction (as she'd be leaving the country with a child but without either a residency order, permission of all those with PR, or court-ordered Leave To Remove) but it's very unlikely she'd be stopped. If she did get out of the country with the child and refused to return then the dad could apply to court to get the child back to the UK - I don't know the details of how that works or what the likelihood of a court agreeing is.

If the dad believes there is good reason to fear that the mum could abscond with the child then he could apply to court for a temporary Prohibited Steps Order to stop the mum doing this until the case can be heard properly in court and a decision made. There's also a way of sending notice to ports saying that permission has not been granted for a child to be removed from the country - there is a specific name for this and, for the life of me, I can't recall what it is. FNF can advise.

Once it does get heard properly in court then the court could decide that it's in the best interests of the child to go with his mum to Romania, in which case (as I understand it) the court would award the mum sole residency, grant her Leave To Remove, and probably try to sort out a Contact Order for the dad so there is a set schedule for the child to see his father. Or the court could decide it's best for the child to stay in the UK with his dad.

I'd say there's a good case for the child staying in the UK but these things are far from certain. If the sexes were the other way round (ie, if it was a mum who was the full-time carer, the dad worked, they split and the dad wanted to take the child overseas back to his country of origin) then he'd have no chance whatsoever of getting a court to agree. As it is, though, it's impossible to be so certain.

ElenorRigby · 07/10/2009 18:44

this smells like troll, op posts 3 times, then a new poster pushes a warped agenda again and again.
I am a tad pissed off, I do not like to waste my time like this.

cory · 07/10/2009 19:22

Maggie, when my baby was 6 months old, or 13 months old for that matter, it would never have occurred to me to doubt for a moment that she meant as much to her father as she meant to me, or that her father meant as much to her as I did.

Any more than I doubted that my adopted brother meant as much to my mother as I did- and yet she had not had the chance to bond with him from birth as dh had with our dcs.

No, I would have found it impossible to hand my OWN children over. But then dh would have found it equally impossible to hand HIS own children over.

kalo12 · 07/10/2009 20:29

do you think that maybe the fact that she is working full time and her husband not is a factor in her wanting to leave and therefore be able to bring up her own child? and him not having a job and allowing the mother enough opportunity for the special relationship between mother and baby to happen is a factor in their relationship breakdown? its just that i am in this situation myself and resent it deeply. I agree that she should be allowed to go back to romania with the baby

Lucy88 · 07/10/2009 22:51

MaggieBehave - its because of views such as yours that Fathers4Justice was formed.

And no I am not a man. Giving birth and breast feeding do not mean a 'given' when it comes to bonding. What about couples who adopt?

Its about time fathers had some rights in this country and the courts stop making the automatic assumption that 'Mother' is always best.

Why should the Mother in this case have a right to just up sticks and move to Romania with the child. Its the father who has been looking after the child and probably has more of a bond.

weegiemum · 07/10/2009 22:58

Maggie (who is thankfully gone) said: "A woman doesn't give birth and then walk off."

My Mum did. It does happen. 25 years later I am still psychologically dealing with the consequences of that. Don't be so naive!

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