NPD ex hubby and children

[Mummiehunnie]

Hi, I was wondering if anyone could help me with the issue of my children and their father.

He has been diagnosed by myself (no professional, but a survivor and often in reciept of npd rage)as having npd.

Children are ten and twelve.

He has been in and out of their lives since leaving these last three years.

He has been unpleasant and inconsistant in contact.

He does not seem to want to see them alone and wants to share contact. When he is with others he is model dad showing off, when alone with them he is rubbish and ignores them and lies to them and twists things etc.

Currently it is ok as his bad behaviour means they do not want to see him, after he did not show up so many times for contact and he lied to the court regarding that also, thankfully I had evidence we were there. Yes he did not want to see his kids, and walked in and out of their lives, and lied to the court and said I would not let him see them, that old chestnut, when I was crying on the phone begging him to see htem etc.

What is worrying me is that he will want to see them again, and he will pull the wool over their eyes and hurt them and make them ill with his mental illness etc.

What do you do for the best in these circumstances.

We are all currently ignoring him and he is not asking me about kids, not seen them for six months and only sent them one card in that time.

We are going through court re finances, yes he lies here also to courts, and you can guess who started off all the cases!

He only wants to speak when it suits him and way that suits him with loads of rules as usual, CONTROL, and he has never asked about his kids in emails or in person at court.

I understand he does not feel love as normal folks like we do, it is still odd to understand really.

I just want to get some idea's off people as to what I can do to protect my kids.

Also I am little worried that youngest may be subsetpable to npd, as she has traits etc, how can you hlep them have proper emotions, when they are still young?

Hi MummieHunnie, there is an astonishingly high number of people who know exactly what you're going through. Feel free to join us on the other thread btw. It wouldn't be a hi-jack.

I was just saying to TRM on the other thread, that reading what she's been through, I am so glad that I 'fled' to Ireland as I would have cracked up trying to fight the control he had over me. I take my out off to any of you who have to deal with it in your 'sphere' iykwim.

With regards to contact or access, well my x comes to see the children about once every 8 weeks, bitching and griping about how much money it cost him and how expensive everything is (he gives us nothing, so I'm well aware of how expensive everything is!).

I am sorely tempted to say he can't see the children. So, so tempted. But I know that when they are adults, he'll present himself as so sane, and convince them I was insane and vengeful.

So, I am just hoping that having a face to the name 'Daddy' 4 times a year, but not seeing him often enough for him to really influence them is the best 'balance'.

I think. I hope. But it's a worry.

My x has less interest in the child with sn (mild autism) than he does in the nt child. That just compounds my diagnosis of NPD! Again, like you, no professional diagnosis, but there's no doubt in my mind.

I was reading on line about what makes somebody become a narcissist, and insofar as they know at all, they think there's a link between feeling isolated as an adolescent, and being unable to 'join' the adult world successfully. So a very LOW self esteem becomes buried under all these layers of delusion and grandeur and arrogance... (and cruelty).

Would you think about family counselling or mtoher daughter counselling? SHe's still only ten.

I don't know if this is the right thing to do, well actually, some people would be certain that it isn't, but I have told my daughter that daddy hurt mummy and would have hurt me more if i'd stayed. But whatever love he has in him is for her and her brother (although he's not really bothered about her brother).

I wouldn't want her to think that his bad behaviour to me was normal or acceptable. But I don't go on about it either. I just answer questions carefully as they crop up.

It's hard. I wish there was a handbook.

Your DCs are so much better off without their father in their lives, but explaining this is the hard part. I also think it does no harm to be open about the circumstances of the end of your relationship with him. Sometimes children worry that they had a hand in the breakdown of parents' relationships, and they need reassurance. The DCs will also benefit greatly by you asking about their feelings regarding the breakup of the family and about their father's absence from their lives, and letting them know you're ok with them being sad and disappointed about him, if this is the case, and not being there for them. It would probably be a good thing for you to acknowledge that their father doesn't treat them as he should and that this is absolutely not their fault, and they don't deserve that. I think some of N behaviour is so like childish immaturity and self-centeredness that it's easy to worry that a child might be turning out that way, whereas a child might actually be going through a temporary phase and growing out of it. Ns get stuck at those phases. This is why it's like living with a big overgrown toddler or petulant teenager to have one around. Love your child and be fair and consistent and mature and she will turn out fine.

Hello Mummiehunnie

So sorry you are going through this.

All you can do for your children is to show them empathy, fairness, and consistent parenting. Always be as truthful as you can, taking into account their ages.

Get yourself onto this forum and read advice from some very knowledgable people about childrearing with a N.

If your H idealises them you have to show them fair discipline.

I have this terrible problem also. As the child of two Ns and the sister of another, I know how siblings are set against each other by Ns. My ex-HN does this with my children. One is idealised and one is devalued.

But in the end, sometimes there is nothing you can do for your children. Sometimes they become Ns despite all your best endeavours.

I am having this struggle with one of my teenage children at the moment. It fills me with despair quite alot of the time, but I just keep on doing my job as a mother the best I can, trying to counteract the influence from the N parent.

It is very hard. The best thing you can do is keep them away from the N parent. Then at least they get the chance of a normal upbringing. If they then become Ns then it is down to their genes I am afraid, and nothing you could have done would have made a difference anyway.

There is more and more evidence that psychopaths have different brains physically from normal people...this may well turn out to be the case for Ns also.

It's a total nightmare I know.

xxxxx

thanks for all of your responses folks, I will look at your forum link getting a grip when I have more time.

I think I was having a minor panic after reading all the npd thread on here, the panic being my child who I love and could never not love had npd and I would have to life with it forever scared me.

Even though it was not me that left the marriage, there is no way I could go back to living with a N. Any dealings with him after having a break and being around normal people again makes me feel sick and proud of myself for surviving over a decade of that.

It was the mindbending, brainwashing, twisting, lowering of my self esteem and sense of self that I allowed him to do to me, what was the saddest is that I allowed him to use minor problems with people in my life to let him get a wedge in there and isolate me from people around me.

I have not stopped contact, that was his choice, I will deal with him wanting contact again when it happens, it is a constant fear that he will twist things with them and cause them damage!