I am considering leaving dp over his lack of interest in sex and affection

[pandaiis]

Is it a totally daft reason to leave someone over?

The past few years our sex life has gone down the pan. At the moment we are lucky to have sex once every 1-2 months which really isn't enough for me as I have a high sex drive. Last time we managed the deed he told me 'to hurry up as he couldn't really be bothered and was tired'

He thinks I place too much importance on sex (I probably do a bit) but we've talked and I've explained it's the closeness and intimacy I miss more than anything. He said sex isn't important to him.

He's not affectionate in any way. I can't even remember the last time we kissed. The more he rebuffed me, the more I've drawn myself away from him and it's put a wall between us that I don't know how to bring down.

Last week I talked to him about how it's tearing us apart but he's done nothing about it. I'm a really tactile person, my whole family is, and I hate being in a relationship where there's no touching or cuddling. It feels strange and unnatural to me.

There's nothing wrong with him physically. I've caught him on watching porn loads of times so it's not like he doesn't feel the need. Just not with me.

I don't know what to do as he's a good, kind man in every other way.

A relationship without sex is a friendship - he can look that one up in the dictionary if he wants. Clearly that's not enough for you (understandably) and you deserve someone who treats you like a desirable woman, not an asexual companion. Seeing as you don't even talk I am finding it hard to see why you are still there!

So if he'd rather have a relationship with his hand then I think it's time the two of them got some quality long term time alone together enjoying their porn, iyswim...

Pandalis, you're the one who has made all the effort to sort it out and given him ample opportunity to look at the situation. He's not showing you any respect or friendship by making out it's all your problem. It's a form of emotional abuse. I bet he would just carry on like this ad infinitum.

So you're right, grab the bull by the horns and go for it, you will come out the other end and realise you ARE a beautiful attractive sexy woman and he's the nerd with the problem .

Just for a quick update. We had a talk last night where I said I had given him ample opportunity. He said it wasn't important to him and I shouldn't expect him to change. Why he can change from ten years ago and not change back I dunno. I suppose I was looking for a gesture to keep our family together but no, although he said he doesn't want us to leave.

The long and short of it is I'm contacting the CAB today to see where I stand with regards to housing. Some part of me feels really sad that I'm the one breaking up the family -it would be easier if it was a mutial decision - although he's kinda pushed me to it.

Another part of me feels a bit relieved. I'm a fiercely independant person and I can't stand the lonliness I'm feeling in a relationship.

Thank you all for all your advice (and 'listening' to my waffle) .

Good luck with everything- I think you'll be happier out of there in the long run x

Pandalis - it IS a mutual decision. You have put it to him that you are unhappy and can't stand things going on as they are, and he has said 'well that's the way it is, like it or lump it'. He is too crap to change so that's the end of. Good luck, I am about 99% sure you will be happier this way. If he doesn't care enough to make the effort then he's not worth sticking with. We all deserve someone who really loves us.

Abedelia is right: he isn;t interested in changing because he is fundamentally selfish. He 'doesn't want you to leave' because he doesn;t want to have to get his own meals and wash his own socks and spend time looking after his own DC, that's all.
You will feel much better without this deadweight couple-relationship; you may even be able to be actual friends with this man (ie appreciate his good points and even enjoy his company while acknowledging his faults) when you are free of the soul-destroying struggle to make him 'love' you.