Another one of those I've told DP I want to leave threads.

[Flossam]

Thats it really. I am fed up of just about everything about him. His attitude towards me stinks. He acts as though he hates me and everything I do is set just to inconvinience him, even to the time I cook his dinner for him. His drinking is too much, he got drunk every night he was off work last rota, home, alone late at night, after I had gone to bed. I don't fancy him.

He does next to nothing with our 7 month old DS, even to bath him I have to argue that yes he does need one. He feels he works full time and shouldn't have to do anything at home. I feel that bathing our son should be a pleasure.

I have been on maternity leave and he has not given me a penny. I have no money and he just tells me to go back to work. I am waiting for my application process to go through and just have to wait. He has spent over £250 on 'boys toys' for himself. But can't afford to support me. Nor can he afford to buy our DS a safety gate which we need (he is crawling) as his friend is coming down for a p*ss up this weekend. He is out in the pub now, his first day off since Friday, he works 12 and a half hours days and nights, so when he is at work I just don't see him. Nor does DS.

I have been avoiding him. Going out when he is home, generally trying to live my own life. He dosen't seem to care. He was only supposed to be in the pub for one, always the story. I had prepared his favourite food for supper tonight, before I knew he was going to the pub. I told him it would be ready at nine. He says he will eat it cold.

My parents are divorced and I wanted nothing more than a complete family unit for DS. He deserves nothing less. But this isn't the man I met. He has no respect for me and dosen't think he has to change. My opinions and attempts at resolving things fall on deaf ears. What else can I do when my thoughts and feelings just aren't important to him?

I don't know what I will do or where I will go or how I will ever afford to do it. But I can't carry on living like this. Our last piece of furniture arrived yesterday, our new home is finally up together. But it seems neither of us want to be in it.

How are you today, Flossam?

Im sorry for you flossam, If you could go with your mum for a few weeks it may make dh come to his senses perhaps. He might respond better if you give him a big shock when he comes home from work and your not there to wash his pants and cook his dinner for him.BE STRONG

Flossam, I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds very much like you both need a break from each other to give you some breathing space and maybe give him a bit of a shock. Maybe if he realises what he is losing he can pull himself together. If he can't then you will be so much better off without him.
Have you spoken to your mum yet ?

Flossam - sorry, I didn't catch up with what happened the day he didn't go to the zoo with you - but if he is drinking like that and it is robbing you all of his time with the kids and you, then something v problematic is going on with him.

He is certainly behaving in a very immature, destructive and outrageous way.

Is he depressed? becoming alcoholic? Under extreme stress with his job?

Tbh, I think I would go to your Mums for a week or so. Something needs to happen, and you need a break.

Would he consider counselling? he might if he is scared enough that you have gone!

How old is he?

Flossam - I am so sorry that this is all happening. Your dh seems like he needs a big reality check. Can't add much more because I agree with what everybody else has said.

All I can do is offer support and tell you that I would be annoyed with him if I was in your situation and I think that yu are justified with how you feel. xx

As my good friend said the day she left her no-good husband, daughter in tow: 'I didn't need Peter to be unhappy, I was capable of doing that all by myself.'

She's now one of the happiest people I know.

Good luck, Flossam, you deserve better.

Oh, and btw, Flossam, that friend of mine has never been w/o a date since dumping her ex at 23.

She's now remarried to the most wonderful man!

Message withdrawn

Thanks everyone. Haven't rung mum yet, they are coming up here for a holiday next week, and I don't want to ruin it for them. Stupid maybe but true. He is here now so can't type much. Nothing has been said yet.

Well we are talking. I am thinking of broaching the idea of counselling, but I know what he will say. He thinks that my problem is that I need to go back to work. He thinks I 'nag' too much because I am at home with nothing else to think about. I am worried that I will go back to work, he will look after DS but nothing else, so I will be working twice as hard. Thats not going to make anything any better is it?

His friend is now on his way up for the weekend, so won't be seeing much of him really. He goes back to work on Monday, so no time to talk properly before the next load of shifts. I decided to go out last night, and it was lovely to be out. But on the negative side the best time to talk is when DS is in bed. But it was a leaving do, and I needed to have some 'me' time.

So I don't really feel like any progress has been made. I have seen that Relate has an over the internet service, for a cost. Perhaps I could put what I feel down and see what they suggest? At least that way I could show him what has been said by a proffesional IYSWIM. I feel I could perhaps word things better than this thread, which I think he would rightly see as a personal attack on himself. I really would like nothing better than to be in a happy relationship with this man, I was very much in love with him and our DS is lovely. My father lost contact with me when I was very young, I don't want that for Ben.

Flossam if he values his relationship and family, he'll do almost anything to save it, including counselling.

Men who love their partners and want to keep them agree to go to counselling to save what they've got (even if they later change their minds).

So if you go back to work, will that magically enable him to stop going out drinking til all hours and backing out of family outings???

Blu I don't know. There will be less opportunity for him to do so. I just feel with such another big change on the horizon (going back to work) I have to wait and see how it goes. If I don't i will always wonder if i bowed out too early and i at least owe DS to try everything before i give up.

I know, Flossam - sorry, I didn't mean to sound so scornful. Sorry, I can't remember what you said - had you planned to go back to work anyway, or has your hand been forced?

If you are going back to work, it would be reasonable for him to make some equivalent effort to improve things between you. It is quite obviously NOT your fault!

You have mentioned what he does for a living before now Flossam, also I think that he has developed a weight problem. I wonder if these two factors influence what kind of father he thinks he is (compared to some of his colleagues, maybe) and his attitude towards you. Do you think there is any chance he has developed clinical depression? He really does sound so altered from the man you say you loved.
I am so, so sorry to hear things are still bad (meant to post once before on a previous thread and home modem went phut).
Agree with everyone here he is in grave danger of losing you and your ds and if he does it will be through no fault of yours.

Thank you Marina and Blu. I don't think he is happy with his weight, no. I think that is a major part of the problem. My wieght isn't wonderful still but I have lost quite a bit, through hard work and eating properly. I think he is stuck in a rut and is in a catch 22. He is lethargic because of his weight, but needs to loose the weight to become more active.

I think also on his last lot of shifts he had his end of probation report, and it wasn't all he expected. Basically said he needed to be more pro-active, which I have long thought was the case. If I ever mentioned this he denied this was the case, and I think he found it written down from his superior quite a shock. This would tie in nicely with the staying up and drinking on his own binge he did on his last lot of days off. Sorry I am rambling aren't I?

In a nutshell, I believe that loosing his wieght would do wonders for his self esteem and also make him more pro-active at home as well as work! So Marina, I do think you could be right. But I have tried all that I can to get him to realise this. He pays his gym membership every month and yet never goes. More money wasted and more frustration for me really!

I think I will try and right things down and see what sort of mood his in one night next week when he gets home. Cook his favourite meal etc etc, and see if we can have a heart to heart. His brother upset him today, and it was (as awful as it sounds) nice to see him looking fragile and hurt. I know you can't understand that, but it reminded me of the gentle man that I hope is still in there and that he does have feelings. Does that make any sense at all? I started rambling again didn't I? Sorry

Hi Flossam, I missed this earlier in the week, sorry this is you. I don't know the history so ignore me if I'm way off but could some of this be his extreme reaction to the responsibility of parenthood? I'm not excusing him, not at all, but it's well known that the first year after a baby is when most couples go through a v rough time and either make it out the other side or split up. A friend of mine's dh went completely off the rails for the first year, out all night, drank too much, blah blah, just couldn't cope with it but they're ok now, years on. Like I say, if it's more than that do ignore me.

(Btw, if you decide to come in this direction do CAT me if you need any help/fancy a coffee).

Hi WWW, thanks for the invite! Don't know if and when still but it would be lovely to meet you! I don't know that is as much a reaction to DS being born or as much of the fact that he wasn't really ready for DS to arrive just yet. He loves him to pieces and has no regrets, I read on one of his forums that DS was the best thing that ever happened to him. But I think he needed to grow up beforehand IYSWIM. It is more the drinking than the going out that is the problem. He dosen't go out too frequently. But he does (IMO) drink too much. He knows I think this, but disagrees that he does. So again I am stuck!

Oh Flossam.... My DH (not so D) drinks too much too. Every night. he never goes out but sits in his chair and drinks. Won't eat his dinner til its all gone either - normally after I've gone to bed. Then the mess is left in the kitchen when I get up in the morning. He does nothing to help me with DD. Nothing at all. He loves me dearly I know. And her. just has no idea of responsibility

Hi Flossam. Haven't been on MN too often atm, so only just seen this.

Sorry you are having a rough time of it recently. Y'know having a child around is a lot of upheaval in a couple's life,in the very nicest sort of way, but it is really tough. I don't think DH and I really got used to being a family til DD was probably 12 mths old.

Its also hard giving up work and coming to terms with staying at home, and a lot of the bollox that goes along with it. Me and DH still argue about a lot of thise issues now, even though DD will be 3 in September!

Have you and your DP been like this for long, or is it something that comes in waves?

Hope you are feeling a bit more positive today.

(btw, did I read below that your mum has come to visit this week?)

Sorry M2E, I only just saw you here! We tend to go up and down really. Not too bad today! But he's at work now! I think the answer lies in making sure the balance is redressed when I go back to work, making sure he does his fair share of things I hope will make me more tolerant. He will have less leway to go out too. We will see. My mum is coming on Sunday, so looking forward to that. Although she isn't looking forward to seeing DP and says she wants words! She is normally very good at saying things in the right way, but really don't want to rock the boat.

AngelP, I don't know what to say, I hope things get better for you soon.