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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Well, I've done it...asked for a divorce

15 replies

alwaysindoubt · 03/10/2009 09:14

A few months ago, I posted on here about staying for the sake of the children. Now, I realise I can't. It's been awful and I feel as if I have been through the mire. I've asked for a divorce. And after much difficulty, he's agreed. I instructed a solicitor this week. He is flat hunting. We have yet to tell the children. I feel as if my world is about to crash but then it crashed a long time ago really. I just didn't recognise it.

Any kind words really welcome.

OP posts:
QOD · 03/10/2009 09:17

The future is yours, I don't know your kids ages etc, but if you and they will be happier, then good luck
My parents split when I was 9, my advice to you and soon to be xdh - don't move away from each other! That was very sefish (we moved 60 miles one way then he moved 600 the other)

ActivityAppleBobbing · 03/10/2009 09:19

Well done. I've not been in your situation but I was a daughter of parents whose unhappy parents stayed together for a while for the 'sake of the children' and I clearly remember that when they finally separated my world was suddenly happier. I still love them both very much and thank them for their decision. Good luck with everything

Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 03/10/2009 09:21

Thank you so much. I already feel happier but then I know that when I tell the children the real problems will start.

I asked him to leave last year and he did for a while. The children seemed okay then so perhaps it won't be as hellish as I'm imagining. But what if it is?

OP posts:
ActivityAppleBobbing · 03/10/2009 09:21

sorry - meant "daughter whose unhappy parents stayed together for the sake of the children" - gah, need more coffee...

HappyWoman · 03/10/2009 09:22

Try and stay civil.
You will be fine but i have yet to hear of a 'happy' divorce, ime there is always some bitterness - so beware.

Think about what is best for you and dc now and dont do anything you would later want to forget - such as fighting over silly issues.

Try and see the bigger picture and feel proud that you are at least doing something to improve your life.

Good luck

Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 03/10/2009 09:23

I feel selfish about feeling happier when my world is about to crash. But there will be so many things that I won't have to tolerate. Just being her on Saturday morning not worrying about what kind of mood he will be in (he's out flathunting). It feels marvellous. But then, as I say, the kids don't know. Ramble ramble. I need more coffee too.

OP posts:
FredaMare · 03/10/2009 09:58

my advice is think about where you will be in 6 months, 12 months etc. What do will your life look like then? The immediate future will have hurdles, but the medium- to long-term will be happier. You will feel better inside and that will translate to the outside.

HalfMumHalfBiscuit · 03/10/2009 10:11

Hope everything works out for you. No point being miserable together if you've tried talking etc. and its not going to work. Kids need a happy environment.

Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 03/10/2009 13:02

I hope and pray that in 12 months we will all be happier. Right now, it's about waiting for it to happen. He stayed out last night with OW and I have to lie to the children. I don't want to lie any more.

Naturally, he doesn't want them to know about the OW but is it really an adequate explanation that we just don't get on?

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 03/10/2009 13:06

good for you

whatever happens now is building towards a better new life for you and the kids

do other people know about the OW, because if they don't I would be telling them

don't let him try to stay the good guy here, people should know the truth

Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 03/10/2009 13:09

Many people know because when I first found out last year, I wanted out and told everyone I was going to divorce him. Then my guilt and his apparent remorse made me take him back. Then - who's the idiot here? - he starts back up with her. This time blatantly and in my face and all kinds of nastiness. The children don't know and perhaps it should stay that way.

OP posts:
everton · 03/10/2009 14:06

I like you am in the same situation - asked him to leave but dread telling my DS. Its scary - but as others have said try and look to the future - just think how happy you will be in a year, two years etc.

My DS is 7 and i don't want to hurt him but sometimes you have to put yourself first aswell.
Be strong and you will get over the hurdles.

ScaryFucker · 03/10/2009 17:16

ooh, always, good luck to you

you deserve much better than to be treated like that

that is appalling

oh, and don't ask for a divorce

tell the fucker you are divorcing the arse off him, straight up

all the best to you too everton

aristocat · 03/10/2009 17:27

always i havnt been in your situation but if my DH had an OW i would not be able to forgive.

think about yourself and DCs and look forward to the future .

there must be many MNers who have been there and come out smiling!

tryingherbest · 03/10/2009 18:13

you sound like you're in control - must be hard and you'll have your wobbles but you are not responsible for you soon dto be ex's behaviour.

You deserve happiness and your little ones deserve to have a happy and fulfilled mummy.

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