Am really chuffing peed off

[KathH]

Not sure if this is the right section but here goes (Hope you have a few spare hours to read!) - My dad died 11 yrs ago. Since then Me & dh & 4dcs have made sure my mum comes away on holiday with us, has come to ours at Christmas, dh does all the little jobs she needs doing. My sister & her partner have done nothing - my sister has been known to scream f off at my mum and stomp out if my mum disagrees with her. Earlier this year my sister borrowed 4 thousand pounds off my mum and after she'd banked the cheque told my mum she couldnt afford to pay her the amount they'd agreed and could only pay 50 pounds a month. After she didnt pay her back the first month and got really snotty with my mum, my mum agreed to write the whole lot off. If I ever borrow from my mum she makes me write a cheque and I have to pay it back. When I asked my mum why she'd written off the money she said it was because my sister was being so difficult about the repayments she didnt want to fall out with her. Every Christmas my sister, her partner and son come to us and Boxing Day too. She's lived in her house 5 years and none of my family have ever set foot in it. This year dh said he'd had enough of my sister taking the pee (every year she promises to give us some money for the two dinners and teas and doesnt) and that my sister wouldnt be welcome. DH works shifts and is working Christmas night and Boxing Day night as well. My mum has gone mad and said your dad would be really upset to know you're leaving her out and then if you dont invite them then I wont speak to you again. I really dont want to fall out with my mum but dont know why I should be penalised because I'm so easy going and my sisters not (my mums words). Help!!!!

I think your sister is ripping the piss and has your mum over a barrel with her implied threats of cutting your mum off if she doesn't do exactly as your sister says. Your mum knows this on some level which is why she is reacting badly to you pointing this out/standing up to your sister yourself.
Can you explain to your mum exactly what you've told us? Could you have your sister over for Christmas but only on the basis that you get a cheque up front for her share?

On the other hand, and trying to be fair, is it possible that your sister is in real financial difficulties and so can't afford to pay for any of it? (Doesn't excuse her being such a cow to your mum though)

Think you need to communicate this to your sister and explain to your mum that it's between you sisters and you are trying not to put her in the middle as it's not fair.

The thing is, if I thought they couldnt scrape together the money that would be one thing but my sister is always bragging about what a well paid job she has, how much she has spent on the latest moisturiser etc. Me & dh are hardly rolling in it - I have to go to work just to make sure we have enough to pay the bills! Anyway last night they invited themselves round. DH asked to me to tell them not to use the computer as they start down loading stuff on itunes & because our computers a bit crappy it makes it freeze (he was at work). I told my sister this. When I went upstairs to bath ds2 she'd totally ignored what I'd said and had switched computer on and was merrily downloading. DH has gone mad today when he realised and said its not just the money its the total lack of respect. My mum was harping on about christmas again today and I told her what had happened. Apparently I'm still a cow and being spiteful.

you're in a really shitty rock and a hard place but I have to say its time to back your DH here. Your mum can't have it both ways and your sister sounds like a right piece of work

sit your mum down, explain rationally and calmly and if you can't manage that write it down so you get all your points across.

Hi kathH
So your sister lives fairly locally and visits you - but you have never been invited to hers

And she feels free to take advantage of you and your mum and gets away with it because your mum doesnt want to upset her

Your sister sounds like a spoilt overindulged child to me

Id invite myself round to her house and tell her straight - For a start if she is earning, why hasnt she got her own computer to download stuff etc

She needs to grow up

How old is your sister? Because if she's over 16 then she is behaving extremely badly and you're doing the right thing in pulling her up on it.

How old is your sister? Because if she's over 16 then she is behaving extremely badly and you're doing the right thing in pulling her up on it.

Thanks for you replies. When I look at it in black & white I cant believe I dont know what to do. Its the emotional blackmail from my mum that makes it hard. Not only have we never been "invited" but when dh has dropped them off after things (they dont drive) and said something like I'm really desperate for the loo - can I pop in he's been given a load of excuses why he cant or they've come up with some story like just drop us off at the end of the road we need to go to the cash machine and then when dh has turned the car round they've walked right past the cash machine.

She's 34

She sounds unspeakably spoilt, thick skinned and rude. I appreciate it must be really scary to contemplate having this out with your mum, but I also think to do nothing will run the risk of seriously affecting your marriage.

At the very least, until you decide how far you want to take this with your mum - (and it'd seem that the choice is either to say nothing and put up with it, or to stick to your guns and run the risk of your mum cutting you off (though hopefully it won't come to that)), for goodness sake, password your computer (if you're not prepared to shut the door in her face which is what I'd feel like doing). How absolutely bloody arrogant to ignore your request, and, if I've read correctly, spend your money downloading music she wants ! Actually, that's stealing !!

Perhaps you should consider writing to your mum in the 1st place. That way you can take your time composing exactly what you want to say and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she'll have read it all. I think trying to talk face to face will inevitably end in tears and recriminations, and you may find you don't get half of what you want to say across.

Get a ruddy password on that computer pronto. One thing being cheeky and taking liberties, another thing entirely going against what you and your DH tell her...

Hmm, looks like it'd take pages and pages of posts to get even close to working out your Mum and your sister.... they are an odd pair for sure.

Best option? Get your DH to 'surprise' you and take the family away for christmas.. get looking/planning now... Doens't have to be far, doesn't have to be flash, but just away from them. It'll put some extremely necessary distance between you and them.

You need to put up some boundaries and start commanding some respect.

I think you need to back up your dh.

I agree writing to your mum and sister seperately (take as long as you need to get the tone and content right) and laying it on the line that you are struggling financially, that you feel disrected etc etc

Flippin heck if they never pay for anything why can't they afford a taxi home

Two excellent ideas there KathH

Password the computer - set the screensaver so it demands a password if the computer is left untouched for more than a minute

Go away for christmas, have a fabulous time

Can't you go to your DH's family for Christmas? Or invite them to yours, so there's no room for anyone extra?

Or decide that now is the time to deal with this whole issue - it's clearly been brewing for years. You don't have to tackle all the years' gripes at once, deal with it on a case-by-case scenario. So tell her, firmly and without confrontation, that you're sorry but you're unable to invite her this year. Doesn't have to be a big deal.

I agree that your first loyalty is to your DH here. How many other threads have we seen where posters' DHs have sat on the fence with their own family, to the fury of the wife? Blame him, if you like, although it would be cleaner and healthier if you could say it for your own account.

And by the way, I think your mum is out of order bringing your late father's supposed feelings into it. Emotional blackmail or what?

needs a sit down convo with mum and dh rather than your DH being brave whilst mum isn't there.

something is going on with your sister. so let it be. she is obviously not as fortunate as you are.

however if it came to mum issuing threats i would gently remind mum that if she cut you off that she would be a lonley lady as sister wouldnt visit.

You need to speka to your mum as she is being unfair as she knews you will give in.

How about your sister has to bring with her some food rather than gving money. She could bring the veggies and the desert, you do theturkey and the sarnies, somethinglike that?

Just wanted to say thanks for your replies.

I'm so shocked she's 34. I thought you were going to say 23-2 maximum.

She's behaving like a spoilt little girl who knows she can get what she wants and there are no consequences. Your Mum is probably laying on the emotional blackmail from fear rather than being deliberately cruel to you - if you want to go down that road point out that your Dad would probably be a lot less impressed by your sister taking money and screaming abuse at your mum.

Stick to your guns, 34 is well past old enough to know better.

Agree with Custardo.

I think there is something more going on with your sister than meets the eye. It seems to me if she is as bolshy as you say and doing as well as she says they would want to be showing it off ie inviting you round etc.

I am a great believer in the try it nice way at first and if that doesn't work just do what YOU want and don't even think about it any further ie Christmas. Ime people usually fall into line. Password the computer as others have said and protect yourself practically.

You know your sister is behaving badly, so does your Mum so you don't need to say too much more about it, just do things how you want them done and leave them to do what they want to do.

There's definitely something else going on here, and I suspect your mum knows too and is protecting your sister.

I think either your sister's family ARE in serious financial difficulties, or your sister has some sort of shopping addiction/compulsive behaviour. Both of these would explain her not letting you or your family into your house - if it's not all as smart as she'd like you to think, or if she's got piles of stuff that she doesn't need and doesn't want you to see. Does your mum visit her at home?

To deal with Christmas, I would just say that money is tight for your family this year, and you'd like a contribution of so much before you go shopping, so you can buy all the food. Although if she IS in big money trouble, this may not be possible for her (though I guess she can afford to feed her family day to day?).

To deal with it long-term - I guess start by talking to your mum, tell her you suspect your sister's not being honest and is hiding something, and ask if she knows about it. Tell her it's causing problems within the family and things can't go on. If she says she doesn't know what you're talking about (unlikely, I think, with the 'writing off 4k' and making excuses for your sis), confront your sister with the same line.

Ask them what's going on. I actually think the oddest and most revealing thing is them not letting you into their house.

I also think you should say to your mum - calmly and gently - that it's not fair to call you spiteful, you do a lot for her and the family, and if your sister has a reason for not contributing, and for feeling she can do what she likes in your house (she's probably telling herself you and dh are well off, what's the big deal with itunes etc.), then you need to know about it.

Also ask her why she's so emotional about it that she can threaten you with never speaking to you again if you don't invite your sister's family for christmas? Say it's not on, and you need to know what's going on.

So, for 11yrs you´ve been hosting Christmas?

Your sister and her husband never go to his parents?

I suggest you have a family Christmas this year!!

Your mum can go to your sister for once, surely?

There´s certainly some odd dynamic that you don´t seem to be included in.

I also suggest if either mention the money that your mum has loaned, tell them it´s their business and you´re not interested!

Also, your sister has a partner & son, she´s not going to be on her own if she doesn´t come to you!!

Doesn´t she ever just want a Christmas with her partner & son?