EXTREMELY FED UP AT HAVING TO TAKE TOTAL CONTROL OF OUR LIVES - SORRY A BIT LONG

[bargainmad]

It feels like I?ve got three children, my husband and 2 sons (aged 11 and 14). We all know what boys are like, they need constant prompting to do everything and can?t see beyond today. The problem is my husband is the same.

I have to think about everything in the house ? finances, shopping, holidays, homework, social life, birthdays etc etc etc. My husband just sleepwalks through life to the point I am wondering if he?s got Alzheimer?s! He will do things but constantly has to be prompted and doesn?t remember anything.

If I?m late home from work he has to ring me to find out how to start the dinner, like a child. I have to text him with instructions which is ridiculous and I refuse to do.

The other week I forget to order razors for him with the weekly shop which gets delivered. He went to the shop to get some and I went with him to get a couple of things and he forgot. He then went out and bought some I would never in a million years buy as they are cheap and nasty and they cut his face to pieces ? the point is he doesn?t even know what razors he uses.

I have to prompt him to invite his mum and dad round, prompt him to go out with his friends (once every few months) as he can?t be bothered and one in particular is always in touch with him.

When bill letters come in he never opens them as he says I take care of all that and have it all on direct debit.

We?ve been married 17 years and I really can?t imagine life with anyone else but our relationship is going to go drastically downhill if I carry on having these negative thoughts about him, thinking he?s stupid and a dimwit half the time.

I think it?s all coming to a head as I?m 40 next year ? maybe I?m having a mid-life crisis.

I wish I could think isn?t he great and he?s done this and that and look up to him but I can?t, I am constantly getting annoyed. I work three days a week so the way I see it our lives are the same for 5 days. He runs his own small business with three other men which isn?t especially stressful and he doesn?t work more than 40 hours a week.

We have quite a good social life but guess what ? it?s me who organises everything. We went to a concert last week and had a meal out at a lovely romantic restaurant but the shine is taken off it because I know it wouldn?t have happened unless I had arranged it.

Our sex life is good until I go through phases like this, which is increasingly more often. When it has gone downhill in the past when our children were smaller it was me who was contacting the well woman clinic to discuss it, me who was going to sex shops to buy things to spice it up and me was buying the sexy underwear.

I am not obsessed about DIY as neither of us like it and I am certainly not obsessed about having a show house but things get left for months or years when I know other wives would be nagging their husbands. I don?t nag and he has even said he is lucky as he hears what everyone else says about their wives.

I?m not big into birthdays and presents really but all I get is stuff from Au Naturel or Sainsburys!! If I want anything decent I have to tell him directly what it is so I?d rather not bother as it?s not the same.

On the plus side we have never had any issues with money and he is good with the children. We do get on well but if I carry on feeling resentful like this things are going to go down the pan.

The only thing I feel I can do is say I want to have an empty head for a month and leave everything to him.

We've had the same discussions on this problem for over 5 or 6 years now.

Before this he sorted himself out over a different problem of not actually doing very much in the house at all eg. he would walk over a pile of dog shit on the front door step and not notice it!

He still thinks I'm talking about him not doing enough jobs around the house and hasn't fully got the message yet. When we do have these arguments/discussions he scurries round the house doing more DIY type jobs but that is because I have prompted him like a child.

It winds me up that he can't even look for a number in a phone book without him asking me what do I look under? when it is completely obvious.

The thing that's really topped it all off for me is that I know where I want to go for my 40th but I've had to recently book the flights and I've been looking at hotels etc. I don't want to go now (8 months away) as its not the same when you have to do this yourself, after booking every holiday and break we've had for 17 years.

He can't use a computer and his excuse is I am always on it and could do it a lot quicker than he could. But our two sons can and he could ask them. My brothers can and they both don't work in offices and he could ask them to help him.

It's got to the stage where I just want to walk round with a completely empty head like he does and leave EVERYTHING to him, even cancel all the direct debits if I had the courage to and let him set them all up from his account. He really wouldn't have the foggiest.

I still feel a bit guilty though as I work 3 days but then again if I worked full time I would still have to take control of everything.

The only solution I think is to go on strike.

You really do have my sympathies but on a complete flip side do you think he believes that you enjoy being the one in charge? I mean asking you what something would come under in the phone book is extreme.

I know that you are telling him that you hate it but to then carry on doing it sends him mixed messages.

I truly cannot really fault my dh, except that when it comes to doing anything above and beyond the day to day stuff I am the one who has to trawl brochures for holidays, pick paint colours, sofas and choose bathroom suites etc.

What actually happens is I narrow it down to say 4 things and then he gets to choose one of those. I love all 4 and would be happy with any of them but he then makes the final decision.

It has always been this way BUT he is amazing at everything else, he books the holiday that we choose, puts bin out, baths the boys, reads them stories, buys me wonderful things he knows I might like and does it all on the sly so something just gets delivered to me. It is truly lovely so I can handle the indecision stuff. So it does render the crap to be very small fry.

Clearly you are in a completely different position whereby all the crap outweighs any good stuff.

I think a strike on some levels as opposed to an complete strike might help. That way he can take responsibility gradually rather than being overwhelmed.

If he fails to buy the right razor, so be it. I think you need to let go a bit. Like others have said let him make mistake after mistake, you are his wife not his mother.

I really do sympathise with you Bargainmad as my DH has a peter pan complex too - don't blame yourself for him being this way as although you may have encouraged him somewhat by letting him behave this way, it's his character flaw at the end of the day and he's ultimatly responsible for his own behaviour. Had i met my DH now at 31 rather than 16, I doubt we would be together, but when you're in love with someone you ignore their flaws i guess and only see the good stuff,which is what i'm trying to focus on now rather than something i am finally beginning to accept will never change about him. Believe me i've tried not doing so much for my DH but that hasn't encouraged him to take any more responsibility for his own life at all. I now do as little as possible for him with the odd 'I'm your wife,not your mother' type comment to jog his memory, and have decided to stop stressing myself out with his problems. I've considered leaving but as everything else about the marriage is pretty good and he's a good dad to our DS, I'm trying to just accept that everyone has their character flaws, and as much as he annoys me, there are a lot worse traits a person can have! I'm just praying that by encouraging our son to be as independent as possible in all aspects of his life, I will counteract any example he is getting from his father and keeping my fingers crossed he has inherited more of my personality than his!

I think it's very telling how frustrating I found life with my empty headed ex that on Friday night I got in a taxi with my boyfriend. I got in the back, he in the front, and he gave the driver my address, and then paid the man.

I INSTANTLY wanted to knob him.

It's the thought, not the actions.

Some men behave like you've pulled their fucking batteries out if you don't give them specific instructions.