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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Divorce - is it the end?

11 replies

Cheryllou · 01/10/2009 11:28

Hi, I posted a few days ago and got very positive responses.

In short, my relationship of 18 years has ended with my husband going off with another woman, leaving me with two tiny girls to look after.

However, his behaviour is very odd. He has come and gone FOUR times in the past six months, and now says it is over for good as we couldn't be happy. Trust issues aside, I disagree, but that is another story.

While I don't want to divorce, I do see it is my only option really in order to stop him coming and going and to get him out of my system so that I can move forward.

However, he seems to be clinging on the home environment which, while I don't want to read too much into it, does make me question whether we are truly over.

For example, he is still wearing his wedding ring (albeit on the right hand), is still doing jobs in the house when he looks after the girls. The other day I arrived home to find him stripped to the waist shaving - a really intimate act. And I heard last night he has invited a friend to stay Saturday night while I am away with friends. It's all a bit odd to me.

Do you think I am being over sensitive? Are his actions out of order? How should I broach it with him as I don't want to argue anymore?

Before you say it, I know I am not over him and yes, ultimately I do want us to be together, even though it would be impossible at present - cos he has dumped me!!!

OP posts:

busybutterfly · 01/10/2009 13:05

I think he's having the best of both worlds and you need to get the locks changed. Seriously - tell him he's not living there any more and he shouldn't treat the place as his own. And what if his "friend" is a woman?
I know you're not over him but sometimes they need to know where the boundaries are, otherwise this could go on for years

BitOfFun · 01/10/2009 13:08

He should not be staying over, or even crossing your threashold if he is going to act like this IMO. Get some legal advice and tell him to back the feck off.

BonsoirAnna · 01/10/2009 13:08

I couldn't agree more with busybutterfly. And, if you start defining the boundaries of your relationship with your H better (if he has moved out to live with another woman, you should change the locks and he should no longer come inside your house, ever) he might gain some clarity about what he really wants.

busybutterfly · 01/10/2009 13:10

Bonsoir that is so true. cheryllou call that locksmith NOW!

countingto10 · 01/10/2009 13:12

Has he removed all his stuff from the house? If not, you need to pack it up (or get him to pack it up) and get him to remove it from the house. In all honesty, he probably hasn't completely "left" you and is having the best of both worlds so you do need to make him understand that if he doesn't want to be with you, put in 100% into the marriage, ditch the OW etc then he/you need to draw a line and start the divorce path. You can change your mind at any time.

My DH was a bit like this but he was only gone for 6 weeks before he came to his senses and realised what he was going to lose etc. I did make him pack all his stuff up and remove it when I found out about the OW and it did seem to make him see sense. I got legal advice as well.

Please take control and maybe get counselling for yourself (with the option of him joining you if you both want to).

Good luck.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 01/10/2009 13:30

Cheryllou - read your earlier thread and I'm so sorry.

Okay - the advice I'm going to give you is based on the premise that if he did decide to give up OW and re-commit to your marriage, you'd want him back. It sounds as though you do want that, so here goes:

Regard this as a project. You need to be in fight mode and you're going to need fantastic acting skills.

Have a "kind" chat with him, with you appearing to be eminently reasonable, but assertive and not open to persuasion. To help your own self-confidence with this, make sure you are looking and feeling your best.

Tell him that:

You have accepted the marriage is over
You now need to move on with your life and that means setting clear boundaries.
This is not his home any longer and any visits to see the children must take place on neutral territory and not in your home. If you'd prefer that the children do not meet OW yet, ask for this, but state categorically that this is for the sake of the children and their feelings at the moment.
You'd like him to pack all his stuff - and I do mean all. If he won't do that, pack it all for him and arrange collection (or delivery, if you've got the stomach).
You have come to realise that he hadn't been meeting your needs for some time either and that you are now very optimistic and hopeful of meeting someone who can. In fact, you are excited by that prospect.
During the conversation, arrange for a friend to bombard you with texts, or instigate a 'phone call that requires you to say, in your most furtive tones "It's wonderful to hear your voice, but it's not a good time for me now, I'll call you back shortly."

In short, make him realise and own up to the fact that he's really lost you. Taking control will do wonders for your self-confidence and well-being, believe me. You have literally NOTHING to lose from this strategy.

busybutterfly · 01/10/2009 13:34

Ooh whenwillI I love your strategies, very devious but very necessary!
OP, he needs to realise this is serious and it's not his home any more.
Good luck. x

Original poster

Cheryllou · 01/10/2009 13:45

Yes, locking him out would be fun, HOWEVER my kids are only 2 and 4, and I don't want to punish them by only letting them see their dad every other weekend.

He is lodging in a house at the moment which isn't suitable to take the girls to, so comes once a week to put them to bed, then one day of the weekend when he takes them out. However, he does stay if I stay at a friends over the weekend, so it's a bit tricky.

I have moved all of his stuff out and am seeing a solicitor tomorrow to kick off the divorce proceedings.

I guess I just wonder if I am doing the right thing - I keep thinking he will realise how much he misses me and work tooth and nail to come back, even though I don't know how it could ever work (he has cheated before).

The whole situation just seems so unbearable, especially with my little girl keeping crying and begging us to be with her at the same time - any tips on how to stop hoping and getting stronger? I'm signed up for CBT which will probably get me sectioned...

OP posts:

Aussieng · 01/10/2009 13:47

Sorry - some people have clearly read your other posts. Is he still with the OW? If so then he is being particularly unfair causing you this confusion and giving mixed messages like this. Perhaps he is confused too but still no excuse for such selfishness.

BTW - I like a lot of WhenWillI's ideas in the post above especially in showing him that you are getting on well without him (nothing as satisfying as that or quite as likely to make him see what he is missing) but would draw the line at lying to him (if that is what it would be) - not good as a foundation for rebuilding anything IMO.

countingto10 · 01/10/2009 13:56

TBH Cheryllou the DC was one of the worse things for my DH to deal with - our 4 yr old DS would grab his leg when he visited and kept saying "Are you staying forever daddy ?" - it used to tear my DH apart and I had no sympathy for him, I let him answer that question. Even now he has been back for four months, the DC panic if he is late from work or goes to see a mate straight after work, "Where is daddy? How long is daddy going to be ? Is he coming back ? " - before he left they were secure in their world.

I would let him deal with your little girl's questions. Do you want to spend any time with him as a family ?

NichyNoo · 01/10/2009 13:56

I can only speak from my personal experience - my parents went through the same things when me and sister were children in that my dad left and came back about 4 times in six months.

It was awful - making a clean break would have been so much better and less confusing for me and my little sister. My mum used to let him in the house which confused us no end. Finally she stopped letting him in the house and it was the best thing she did. We (the chidlren) learned that there was a boundary and two separate 'lives'.

He was living in a hostel for a few months (not suitable for kids) then sharing a house with a random bloke so again not suitable for kids. So we had to sit in cafes or his car in order to see him (I always remember getting my birthday present one year whilst sat in the back seat of his car whilst he handed it to me fron the driving seat .

However - it was his choice. He left my mum and our 'happy' family for OW. Please don't think you will be punishing your kids to only let them see him every other weekend - you are not punishing them - he is. He left the family, not you. You have done nothing wrong so please don't feel guily.

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