Once you have suspected an affair....is there anything that can actually CONVINCE you it is all in your head?

[ThisBoyDerekDrew]

Now I know that it is all going to come down to how convinced you actually are that he is being infaithful etc....but assuming that you have no proof, and there are 100% rationale (probably more rationale than what you are thinking) explainations for all you suspicions.

So when he says "honestly love there is nothing going on"....well he is hardly going to say much else if he wants to cover up is he....so his promise isn't IMO enough.

So what (if anything) could convince you (i.e. me) that it is all in my head?

Drew - just read your cross-post. Big hugs... and I'm not generally a huggy person. It's a crap place to be. Really crap

SIM card readers - I considered those, in addition to tracking devices, private detectives and the whole lot. I never did any of it in the end. I just got around to feeling "I deserve better than to feel like this".

We have been together 14ish years. Previous affair was 10+ years ago with someone different. As far as I am concerned she didn't know about him planning to leave.

We both work part time...but I work more hours than him, he works mostly evenings - so he does most of the daytime childcare. DD is at nursery, but couldn't afford and wouldn't want her there full time.

I think my decision would be easier if there were no kids...which again I know is telling me something important... I just can't admit it, even though I am typing it.

Don't let financing of childcare get in your way. If you work 16 hours or more you could be eligible for child tax credits and depending on what you earn, a substantial (I think it's up to 80% of the cost) amount towards the childcare. If you are working part time and so is your DP, you don't have to put DD in nursery all the time. You can only ever do your best. Are you doing your best now? Or are you sad and possibly depressed.

ALL decisions are easier without children. Starting right from when you end up going to the toilet to the really important stuff, like your happiness.

Thanks for being there.

I don't know what I will be doing over the coming days, weeks or months but I know that MN will see me through it whatever it is.

Right now though I am heading to bed.

Much thanks for your support and advice.

It might be worth your while making an appointment with CAB. You may well be entitled to some kind of financial support.

If money was no object would you still want to be married to him?

We are not married...and if this specific set pf events wasn't happening then yes I would want to still be with him.

IF the events that I am concerned about are real then no.

Derek, I hope you sleep ok, knowing people are out here for you.

You shared... now I'm sharing if you want to know.

If you search there is another thread and I left him in the subsequent July.

Night night x

Thanks winestein. I have read OP, and it sounds like things were a little more clear cut for you than me (at least at this stage). Thing is; if I am brutaly honest I am almost sure that there is no physical relationship. If I am brutally honest I think that they are on the very start of that "emotional relationship" which will of course, given time and opportunity become a physical relationship.

I am not going tohang around long this afternoon as I will only end up a blubbing mess, and I have to keep myself together for the DDs.

I tried to talk to him a bit again last night. He is very angry at me for raising the ubject teh other night as he now feels that I want him to sit next to me all the time to make sure he doesn't stray. He has cancelled the babysitting he was due to do for OW next week and of course it is all my fault. When we all get together at the weekend he is (in his words) going to be constantly looking over his shoulder to make sure that he doesn't upset me by looking at her in slightly the wrong way. He has just made me feel ultra crap for even thinking what I am thinking...and I know it is now into teh terortry of emotional blackmail.

I didn't ask him to stop talking to her. I didn't tell him to stop talking to her - but that is what he says he will do if need be and then of course it will all be my fault that he can't have any friendships.

I am in a no win situation.
If I stay I look liek a fool because I have accused him of something absurd; or I look like a fool because they have pulled the wool over my eyes.
If I go I feel shit for breaking up the family.

Anyway, I will be seeing OW this afternoon on school run. I don't know how I am going to be handling it.
I don't know whether to play it cool and pretend nothing has happened - see what sort of demeanor I get off her. Does she know I am upset? If she does DP must have told her. If he has there is only one reason he would have told her - and that is because he has told her that they have (or are close to) been rumbled.
Or I avoid her. I avoid getting into convo. I stay away. I am not very good at emotional situations. I cry v v v easily and will probably just end up blubbing.
I think I will go for the latter, I have a (valid) excuse to wait in another part of school grounds as I have to see one of DTDs teachers. I just think it will look odd though if DP hasn't said anything.

I just wish this wasn't happening. I just want to be out of here without having to get through the process of getting out. I think. Maybe.

Sounds to me exactly like he knows he has been rumbled, is angry about it and taking it out on you.

Just ignore her. If she knows then DP has told her and that is out of order and they are clearly too close if they are discussing such things. If she doesn't know - who cares? Give yourself the space that you need - she thinking something is odd is not your problem.

Sorry, but he is waaaaay too defensive. if there was nothing going on he'd put your feelings first, apologise for the confusion and ask what he could do to make you more included. Trying to make you out as mad and deranged for being suspicious imho is a classic tactic for trying to throw you off the scent, and one of the most damaging and unforgivable things someone involved in an affair can do because it totally undermines your sanity and makes you distrust your instincts for their own selfish benefit.

I agree Abedelia. Especially given that he's broken OP's trust before. Making you feel as if it's YOU that's got the problem is one of the most insidious forms of mental cruelty there is.

Derek, the choice seems clear to me. You won't get an admission, so you either need concrete proof (via covert methods or an informant) or you decide (and it sounds like you are nearly there) that you cannot expend any more energy on this relationship and you don't want to be like this for the rest of your life. Never think you don't have an option you know.

How did the school run go this afternoon, Derek?

Yes, the situation was far more clear cut for me.. eventually. Prior to that I could have written your posts.

I agree wholeheartedly with what the previous 3 posters have said too. Reacting with anger was exactly what my DP did.

Her DH did school run.

My heart is still pounding from the stress and anxiety of it though. Her DH is here now with DP which kind of doesn't help.